"Well unfortunately your husband is a wimp"
Resentful about my last name
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@peerintomypensieve
"Well unfortunately your husband is a wimp"
Resentful about my last name

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Tried out a new pump today. This is far from the first ouchie becoming a mother has given me, but I have to say blisters on my areola was not on my 2026 Bingo Card
On a related note I prolly need to talk about my traumatic labor/birth of my baby but ehhh
just a shoutout for those stuck in an infinite trauma feedback loop where you try to talk to friends for support and they ask "have you considered reaching out to a therapist about this?" so you jump through all the hoops for therapy and your therapist says "have you tried reaching out to friends for support?"
Like presumably the takeaway is NOT supposed to be "āØļøno one wants to hear about itāØļø" but I think it's fair for traumatized people stuck in negative thinking styles to intuitively go there
Today was a trip. I had to go to L&D this morning because I was afraid my water might have broke. Turns out it was either a load of discharge, or I managed to piss myself three times in as many hours with no warning.
But to get to that conclusion they had to stick things up every hole they could find, and make some new ones for good measure. For someone who spent most of the day laying down, I'm completely exhausted

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I'm so miserable and scared. I have meltdowns every time I have to check my blood sugar (so 4 times a day). I'm scared of doing it at work.
I'm scared of labor. The apartment is so messy. Every day I almost slip or trip on something. There's no room for anything. We were supposed to be in Michigan by now. I can't afford my half of rent on top of daycare, much less diapers and formula. I'm terrified my MIL is going to step in and take over. I want my mom and sister close when I have the baby, but they're 2000 miles away. I want to be with my grandma.
I don't even get to name my baby.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
"You could have done this months ago. You didn't."
I guess it boils down to, I want a wedding. But I need to feel like I'm not being blackmailed and manipulated into disregarding my own wants and wishes.
I feel sick.
I need to sort through my thoughts and feelings. Iām so upset. (The mother of the groom strikes again)
Everything about planning this wedding has been scary and stressful. Iām all over the place.
We found a venue that we liked ā actually, she found it. She suggested it. It meant moving the ceremony up by a day, from a Saturday to Friday. I was a bit hesitant but agreed; the venue is very pretty (particularly outdoors) and I didnāt think Iād find anything I liked better in time that was also available.
But then she decided (I was unaware) that since it was a weekday, the time needed to be changed. So the ceremony would no longer by at 3 in the afternoon, but 6 in the evening, with the reception (taking place at a separate location) starting at 7:30.
She also began talking about moving the reception to the restaurant thatās adjacent to the reception venue, because our guest list is so small and the minimum catering charge is so bloated. Which is understandable, except...I was clear my list would be small from the offset, and having it at the restaurant would make it a completely different venue ā we wouldnāt have access to the photography locations that are the reason I wanted that location.
The restaurant also has a different menu, and there are no vegetarian options as main courses ā only sides like cheese bread and pretzel bites, and a berry salad (I donāt like berry salad).
After offering to pay for the wedding and making sweeping promises, they then turned around and expressed theyāre now having financial problems and probably arenāt going to be able to free up the funds in time. āSo it would be really great if you guys could pitch inā. My hours have been cut back at work (15-22 a week). Weāre saving up for a move (and a baby, although they donāt yet know it). I never wanted a big wedding; she did. She said she āwanted to give me the wedding she never hadā, which is another way of saying she wants to vicariously have this wedding for herself, and itās pretty obviously a status symbol for her. I accepted because she kept pushing for it, and I knew it would ingratiate me to her. During that discussion she also cut the budget for my dress in half (and said āand if you wanted you could probably find something just as nice for even cheaperā), after Iāve narrowed down my selection and need to make a decision in the next week.
Back to the time.
I donāt want an evening wedding. For one thing, although I assumed the reception would probably go into the night, I figured weād have lots of time in the daylight for good photos, including specifically at the reception venue (which now, 2 and a half months out, may not even be available). The location also closes at 9:30 (the restaurant) or midnight (the main hall), which given that some of the guests include the elderly and those driving in from out-of-state, theyāre unlikely to want to stay that late anyway.
She argued that we could go take photos before the ceremony (so go to Reception location and take photos, then go to Ceremony location 20-30 minutes away, then back to Reception location). I asked JJ, āsooo...youād be seeing me in my dress before I walk down the aisle?ā
He said that obviously heād still be stunned and thrilled watching me come down the aisle later, and...sure. She said that ālots of people do it, your cousins did it.ā But itās not the same. Itās not what I want. I donāt want a later party. I donāt want him to see me before the aisle.
She then said āweāre not changing the time. Itās not negotiableā (she didnāt check if the chapel is available earlier, it most likely is. And we have the reception location from 9am to midnight). She then said that if we change the time, sheās not paying for the wedding.
Iāve known this was going to happen from the beginning. That offering to pay was not out of love or generosity, but to be able to say that she did, and be intimately involved and make decisions for us.
The thought of starting out my marriage with her overriding us on what should be such a simple, basic decision makes me feel sick.
I donāt know if Iām ready to throw everything away over it, but going along with it disturbs me to my core. Itās the principle of the thing. Itās knowing that weāre reinforcing once again her exerting control over us, and callously dismissing our wishes. I also know that itās very unlikely to be the only demand she makes. For example, sheās also now pressuring (insisting) that we take at least two weeks off to go Michigan before the ceremony, and that we canāt do all the preparations there in only a week. I canāt take that much time off (and sheās talking about a honeymoon on top of that). Not only would my job not approve it, itās unethical to my client(s). I canāt afford to take that much time off work and still make rent. But she brooks no room for argument. She has to be in charge of everything (like when she decided how I should celebrate my birthday, and what restaurant to go to, and I ended up just canceling and crying in bed all day instead).
I canāt live like that. I wonāt. I lived so much of my life feeling out of control, and of course thereās only so much in our lives we can control in the first place ā I understand that. But what I can control, I should be able to. Iāve spent enough time being dictated to and disrespected. I wonāt choose that for myself. I wonāt teach my child that itās better to just avoid conflict and forgo your own happiness and freewill.
I donāt know what to do about the wedding. Jj says he just wants to marry me, but I know heād be disappointed. Calling her bluff would be effectively burning the last of the bridge, and would hurt him. But it makes me feel foul. I think itās a sick precedent. It deeply unsettles me how casually she results to manipulation and outright coercion to ensure she will always remain in control, even over the lives of others, and how little regard she has for their feelings.
I wanted a wedding ā not a big one, but a wedding, and realistically thereās no wedding if they donāt pay for it. Even a basic venue and food costs more than we can afford, and we definitely canāt organize anything else so late.
Either way Iām grieving.
I know I have to cave. But if I do itās going to eat me alive. I feel so small. Iām so angry and sad. I should be able to decide the time and length of my own wedding.
Last Monday (5/19/25) was the second obgyn appointment. It actually looks like a baby now. Amazing. He was turned around, it took forever to get him in position so the tech could measure. (Facing my spine, back to his audience.) I had to walk around and do a million jumping jacks. I can only imagine what must have been going through the little one's little proto-mind. What in the f----. She's never done THAT before. When they did finally turn over (sideways, profile) they did this incredible kick. It was HUGE. So clearly a baby, kicking. Mindboggling. Wonderful. We could see him sucking his thumb. Clear as day. Adorable. Amazing.
Everything measured normal. The heartbeat sounded slower to me but they didn't seem worried. I know it decreases at some point, obviously. Also could have just been sleeping I suppose. Hard not to worry, though. About everything.
We'll find out sometime next week if it's actually a he or not. Happy. Surreal.

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Obviously a great deal to catch up on. Too much to cover.
I'm happy and amazed. There are no words.
I'm worried about losing access to my medicine. I'm worried about moving. I know I can't drive without the medication, or hold down a job. Or take care of myself.
I'm overwhelmed with the wedding stuff. Embarrassed about my social skills.
I'll try to sort through it at some point. We'll see.
I'd like to keep a log of what I watch/read. Currently just started Loki.
-May 26, 2025
Maybe I can only harbor death and grief
No hay nada ni nadie y ya lo sƩ
Ow ow ow
The window is so small
Too soon or too early
And I'm left in pain
I want to scream, scream, scream
All this sickness and no new life
I'm scared I'm broken

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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āJanuary dry, hard, glittering, cold, and the wicked beauty of the scraped blue skiesā
- Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath.
Told me he feels like I view him as free labor and s p e r m
:(
I was so freaking excited this weekend
I haven't been cleaning up much with my new schedule