Chasing Recovery in the Shadow of Seppuku

14/06/25

It feels surreal logging back into this profile after almost four years and seeing all the things I used to post. Looking back at the person I was then, it’s hard to believe that was ever my life. It honestly feels like a dream — or someone else’s story entirely.

Today, I’m nearly four years sober from everything: tobacco, marijuana, pills, heroin, even alcohol. The turning point was the birth of my son — he completely changed my world and set me on a better path.

When he turned one, I began easing back into work. By mid-2023, I was working four days a week and eventually decided to dedicate one of those days to volunteer at a school. That experience led me to become a full-time school support officer, and not long after, I achieved something I never thought possible — I bought my first home in August last year.

Since then, life has kept evolving in ways I never expected. I’ve also started on the Buprenorphine depot injection, which has been life-changing for me in maintaining my recovery.

As I write this, I’m lying in my warm bed in a home I’m proud to call mine — a 4x2 with a study and theatre — next to my beautiful son, who is a little mirror of me and a constant reminder of his dad.

I wanted to share this because I know there are people out there who feel like they’ll never escape addiction. But I’m living proof that no matter how deep you are, there is a way out. Life can change — and it can be beautiful again.

19th of April 2022

It has been 10 months since the passing of the love of my life and it definitely doesn’t get easier. I had posted something a few weeks after it all happened but made it private because I’m too afraid to have some troll comment something horrible which means you all don’t know that I gave birth to a son. @fools-of-april and I found out we were pregnant not long before he left this world, our son is almost 3 months old now.

When I found out I was pregnant I stopped smoking weed and tobacco, and stopped taking the pills and of course did not touch heroin. Fools and I weren’t every day users and we were on Suboxone so I didn’t have any withdrawals, but because of my past and what happened I had to go to the hospital for regular checkups throughout my pregnancy which was extremely hard without my fiancé - the father of my child. I was 7 and a half weeks when Fools and I saw our son for the first time and heard his heartbeat, I will never forget his face, he was the one who said I was pregnant to begin with which I didn’t believe until I noticed I was late, I had to test myself 3 times because I still couldn’t believe it. Our son and my pregnancy was very healthy throughout and he is a thriving baby right now, incredibly smart just like his father. Fools passed when I was 10 weeks, maybe one day I will tell the story of that horrible night but for now I’ll just stick to the happy stuff.

10/04/2021

Did a favour for our regular guy last night, we were given 2 points of killer China White but also a little bit of meth (we don’t touch the shit but will mix a little with our heroin if we ever get it given to us) and usually he sells his 1 points for $170. On top of that we got a huge size stick for driving as well as another nug to “have a few cones for when we get home” ... last night was fucking siiiiiick. I understand why so many people who smoke meth end up pregnant, I don’t mean that in a judgmental way, but damn Fools and I could not keep our hands off of each other. 🤤

So $180 for 2 points!! (usually valued at $300AU) plus a tad bit of meth (for a speedball), a huuuuge green stinky stick, and another tiny bud - all for driving our guy to his mates to make a few sales and then drop to someone else on the way home. Fucking score! We also had half boxes of benzos dropped to our door which was 25x of 5mg Valium’s and 25x 30mg Oxazepam from another good friend to eat as well which cost us $120 (valued at $185).

Life can get better, I know that and that is what we both want, and I am keen for the future when we are finally clean and sober, raising our own family, paying a mortgage, and having decent cars again. I feel like heroin isn’t apart of me anymore and that I don’t need it, It’s just a bit of “relaxation” after a long busy week at work. I had to put up some POS (point of sale)/sale signs etc for 2x Coles stores which is the biggest launch they have done in 10 years and I feel good being apart of it as the whole team scored 100% on compliance out of the entire country! 😄 Fools however is rolling out the new soup promotional ends/bins for stores to promote the “winter is coming” promotions and creating beautiful displays that catch eyes of customers and increase sales, he is also trying out the new work app for the big bosses, and he will also be the person for anyone who is having trouble with this new app to call so he can potentially walk them through it and help fix it. (We are both Merchandisers and represent a lot of specific company’s.) Next week is another big busy week but we are both keen to start it and smash through it, Fools has been told that if he completes all these hours at all these different stores for last fortnight he could be made part time! I’m so proud of him because he did finish them all with no hesitation. 😍

This is probably not the typical drug addiction rant, but my point is, our life isn’t revolving around these nasty substances anymore, it finally feels like we have a certain control over it. Thank god for Suboxone as well, I don’t think we could do it without it. Once enough money is saved and we are able to get our own home paid for, it’s time to taper and look at the other beautiful things in life which I cannot wait and look forward too like finally visiting Europe with my love as he grew up in Germany and many other places as his Dad was in the UK Military so he traveled to a lot to places like England, Germany, Scotland, Ireland (he was born there), Italy, Greece, Spain, Cypress, Switzerland, Austria and Amsterdam. I have never left even Australia, I went to Sydney/Canberra with my school when I was like 11 but that’s it so I’d love to go over to those places with him so he could tell me all about his childhood being there, history of those places and story’s that my man talks about. It always blows my mind, living in Australia my whole life and hearing about just how different everything is over in Europe, especially moving around and living in military-houses trips me tf out since I had such a “normal childhood” like going to school then coming home to climb on trees and run around barefoot kicking to footy, so that’s a massive goal for me to do one day. Seeing the entire world, or most of it, heck I haven’t even traveled around my own country. I have only been down south or up north and I live in Western Australia which in the main city it isn’t a big as you think it is.