"i love you," i say, only it comes out “hey."

nora sakavic really went from “one: the number of drafts in which jean does not commit suicide” to “this time i said no, you have to live, and i never asked him if he actually wanted to” and expected me to be normal about it huh?

been thinking a lot about anticipatory grief lately. i love you so much that i know losing you will devastate me. i haven't lost you yet but i already miss you. we still have time, but it won't be enough. i think about what i would say at your funeral, and say some of it to you now cause i need you to know how loved you are before you go. you will go where i cannot follow, but you will never really leave me. it won't make it hurt less but it is a part of healing somehow.

"this changed my life!" me at a multitude of things bc i'm dynamic and have an open and big heart