Don't say "who you gonna call?"

“I was here first.” Categorically untrue, he wasn’t even in the room first, but much like a cat, that didn’t stop him from coming in like he owned the place and shoving everything off the bed to make room for himself. “Can you do it with your mouth closed or don’t you know how to breathe through your nose?”

“You look like one.” He wasn’t be a dick (correction: he wasn’t trying to be a dick), she really did look like a kid to him, he was 35 or 38 depending on how you looked at it, and she looked 16 to him. “I’m sure the things that go bump in the night are just trembling at the thought.”

“Again, what part of dead don’t you understand? I haven’t got a life for them to inconvenience.” And if they were scratching up anything or taking a shit on anything it wouldn’t be on anything he owned.

To be fair, most people regretted every conversation with him, so Murray was, at least, in good company. Unfortunately Shepherd’s intense dislike of vampires prevented him from being objective enough to realize when he was being a dickhead, which was, let’s be honest, 99% of the time. Not everyone shared his vitriolic opinion of vampires, least of all someone who was actually in a relationship with one. Especially not someone who was in a relationship with one. “You don’t get it.” He said, admittedly less passionately. “You’re not dead” and also dating one. “you wouldn’t understand how they can be sometimes.” All times.

“Throw them or hand them, pick one. It’s bad enough you recruited me to do this, don’t you have any friends?”

“Would you shut the fuck up? I’m trying to sleep.” Bearing in mind that he was dead and couldn’t sleep, he was also visibly watching The Muppets Take Manhattan, so.

What he doesn’t say is that he makes himself scarce (scarcer than usual) occasionally for a few days or a few weeks so she doesn’t realize what an asshole he actually is and send him packing. Not that she has any real say it when or whether he comes and goes, the perks of being incorporeal, but she’s also the only person on the planet besides the one he came out of who doesn’t think he’s a complete piece of shit, so if he disappeared for a while, it was only so she didn’t wise up and realize he really was just a dick. “Shopping for Halloween costumes.”

“Oh no, what’s it going to do —kill me?” God forbid.