Catharsis

Applying for Blondie and I had to make a decision to whether or not we should hire you. As you do, you were making friends with staff and the managers liked you but it was ultimately up to me.

I woke up before I made the decision but in my mind I had said that I would let you be hired because I don’t want you to miss an opportunity because of my feelings

Through anger do you hear my cries as conversation

I spoke a loud my disdain

Where hours earlier I confessed my ineptitude

But in your sovereign reign

you provide solutions

I would bet Jonah would have preferred to not sit in the belly of a whale

Or Moses would have preferred to not speak on behalf of his people

But through adversity comes deliverance

So maybe now I speak my disdain a bit louder while acknowledging the ear that hears the whisper of wind listens to even me

Hears even me

Understands

Even me

Even when I speak in a way that elevates me far past the point of humble

There,

Now every year on this day I dream of you.

I dreamed that we finally gave it a chance and we were making it work but in usual fashion something went wrong. We actually had opened a restaurant somewhere in a woodsy area like Tennessee or Asheville. It seemed we had been together again for only a few months and then you came to me and said that this wasn’t working. I didn’t even fight it. I just accepted everything and started packing up. We were actually supposed to open for service that day but I ended up closing the restaurant. Where we were living/ lodging it was like we were on a wooden path maybe in the trees and we walked to the restaurant. On the way there o finally asked, “I’m not trying to change your mind but I’m just curious why? I’ve always understood that this would be tough because I’ve accepted the way you are will always be guarded with me but even after me knowing and accepting that you’re still not happy” you didn’t really get a chance to answer. As we were sitting in the restaurant finishing this talk. A group of guests walked in and I had to tell them unfortunately we are closed and the restaurant will not be open…. It looked like we were going to be busy. The guy responds oh man, I had already put down a deposit for Thursday.

I convinced myself that it was something

I looked into the void and saw life

I thought I was God

I should say that my mind convinced me that I was God

Who but him can breathe life in to the death of dirt

where most see a grave he demands bodies to be formed

i formed a body out of my attraction that looked like you

Someone who might know you, might know the difference

But to me

to a fluke, or a passing glance,

this body, a mirror of you was my creation

is it masturbation to find pleasure to one's thoughts

if so, was every interaction between us

simply an act of self pleasure

I begged myself not to fall for you

I pleaded with every rational thought

to resist the temptation of your acknowledgement

but thats all that it took

the one domino for me to crash dummy into the wall of unrequited

I spun out like it was a rainstorm in New Orleans

The feeling a familiar haunting

Not quite as bad but the uneasy is something unsettling

I wonder when you knew

When you exited the picture and left behind an after image

That I worshipped

That I breathed life into

That I molded into this caricature of love

Of reciprocity

I wonder when you fucking knew

And it’s not right or fair to direct anger towards you

But I’m not god

I didn’t create this out of nothing

Something from you was present

Maybe I misconstrued

Maybe I misdirected

Maybe all of it is true

But the sign was there

And even a dead end

Leads somewhere

When the alcohol fades

When the audience gets bored

When everything feels obvious and expected

That’s when I want you

At the peak of boredom

Holding hands on a porch watching the same sunset

Or cuddled into another tv show on a Friday night

I don’t need the excitement

Or rollercoaster of emotions

Just give me you

Everyday anytime consistently

Boringly

Clearly

Just you

and i don't want you to think its something deeper than it is

often with confessions come obligation

and i want to relieve you of that pressure

i feel no such thing

i just like you

and whether that is a seed that blossoms

or a dying plant's last breath

either way it was rooted in me

i like you

i like the uncertainty of these moments

i like your laugh

i like that out of everyone i have ever dated

you by far are the most distinct and different

the commonalities between us are mercury and neptune

and i know most balk at the lack of similarites

usually i side with their sentiment

but with you it makes me curious

with you i want to bridge a gap over terabithia

connecting my imagination to this reality

i like you

i like the pause and the tension in the silent moments

i like your hair

i like that our counterparts whisper about us

as if they were watching a movie unfold

i like you

i dont want to spook you

i dont want you to think that this need

is something to be fulfilled

i dont want you to fulfill it

unless you want to

i do want you

but only at the cost of transparency

otherwise i can keep at bay these thoughts

i can trap these feelings inside

let them rot into the deepest parts of me

let the longing subside into wonder

i like you

and i just thought id tell you

I’ve never recovered from you

So pursuing someone new feels wrong

Like somehow I’m being disingenuous

Because as long as you remain a piece

They will always lack one of me

Desperately

But I feel like I’m debris in your shoe

You may forget about me for a while

But when you remember I’m an annoyance

Not enough to stop you

Not enough to remove me

But enough to roll your eyes

Enough annoyance to mention without action

I don’t want to be a hindrance to you

But I read the words between the lines

And not one has given me access to your heart

So I hesitate

But then I hesitate on my hesitation

And I wonder if that is what’s giving you pause

Do I come off uncertain

Unsure

I’ve never been sure of much

But I do want to talk to you

I just don’t want to be a bother

I know it reverberated through my body the minute I saw your text

Things are subtle and often unsaid

But this smile was blatant

You weren’t in the room but I bet you felt it

Did it scare you

That you could skew the balance of emotion in a moment so drastically

Is that why your response lacked depth

Lacked the rush of passion

Was I rushing you

unknowingly, but in the same way expectation carries the weight of responsibility

Did I make you responsible for my happiness

Even for a moment

What an unfair hand I have dealt

I guess I wouldn’t respond either

But in truth

My smile was less manipulation and more childlike

The way a child sees a house full of Christmas lights for the first time

Or the way a child is confused and bewildered by the disappearance of faces behind hands

I smiled like a child because I was excited to hear from you

And that was enough

But we tend to snuff out the green and call it naive in adults

So should I have buried the greed for your response in text that broods careless or unaffected

Is that a man you would have respected

One who so easily bows to your whims

One who plays the game to win as if their isn’t a cost

But to win means someone loses

Or something is lost

and I guess this time

It was your interest

In me

It said “ you kiss better her”

God saw fit to let the drink take over and slump me into

Peace

Before I break myself into pieces opening up to you

Again

Before decorating the 4am stars with wishes and hopes that have long passed from this body

I was glad to awake phone in hand, text unsent, comforted by the swallow of this throw laid on couch.

I just left the house of another

I know the lexicon was scrabble

But in those letters laid the truth of my view

Paraded my hands across her body throughout the night

Found her lips perked at midnight in response to mine

But the kiss was just fine

“You kiss better than her”

It wasn’t bad, the message was

But it was Only memorable in the wide scale comparison to yours

I could’ve been more smooth but

In yours, time stopped.

Okay dramatic but in truth time mattered not

I kissed you for seconds

But years later I still compare

I kissed you with the absence of fear

I kiss you everytime I kiss some one else but just not as fierce

Because you remain there

Searching for you in the lips of another

Seems futile

And has been so far

But still I take these moments to reminisce

Even if the scale is wide

It brings back why you were so addicting to me

Why even now I wake with phone in hand, text unsent

And through this sober I contemplate letting my pride bend

To let you back in

Even for a moment

Seconds

A kiss lengths of time

What crosses your mind when mine

Crosshairs you into mine

We spoke for 27 minutes and 28 seconds

I actually don’t know the exact time but I do know that I took my 30 minute break and I was 1 minute and 32 seconds late back

So my job being about a 4 minute walk away from yours I calculated that my lingering and pondering what we could be lasted about a minute longer than it should

Because my absence was short a week

And our conversation was brief in the scope of how many words a day we speak

But for 27 minutes and 28 seconds your eyes were affixed upon mine

Locked in a way that felt like intelligent design

So am I crazy to expect you to remember me

Time time time

Is a funny thing

But it doesn’t rewrite

It doesn’t rewind

It doesn’t make you forget

I’m not saying I’m the most memorable

But how many people a day do you find interesting

The number in mind is miniscule

Names are dropped like feathers from birds in the wind

A cluttered of thoughts

Understandable that it is hard to catch

But a face

If a body has a language of a 1000 words

A face must hold 10 thousand more

So after 27 minutes of studying the pores around my pupils

How are you not fluent in me

Or at least a vessel of breadcrumb culture

An hola

Bonjour

Konichiwah

A motherfucking hello

But your eyes greeted me

As if dust was tickling your lashes

A blink and I’m gone

A blink and I’m here

A blink either way it seems you don’t care

So how in the 28 seconds left in this poem can I make you remember me

If even the 27 minutes we spent together weren’t enough

I watched you twiddle the fingers of the man you made a vow to

and it made me sick

like stomach churning

protein left in bottle-rotten egg sick

I dont know why

i always knew we played in fantasy

that we were a sims version of a hopeless romantic

dancing around intelligible conversations

instead of gibberish we spoke in a language

of cat and mouse

of tease and taunt

of tussle and turmoil

we both knew the repercussions of a misstep

but we played with the edge anyways

what is a vow anyway

when its dangled over the fire of temptation

sparked by doubt and self-assuring reasons

we are all heathens aren't we

are there any sins more palpable

least this is how i convinced myself to dance with jealousy

of a married woman

your rings dress your neckline because your hands are too often

caught in stone

I cant help but notice every time you lean in close

but still I play ignorant to its shimmer

so when the figure its represents

presents himself, i still thought you'd linger

confused when you floated away

distance has never been a meal shared between us

but then i look crazy

beer in hand, salty and sulking

pining over you, while you do the things, we do, with him

except with me "its so innocent "

and you call yours love

so who am i supposed to call

and what am i supposed to call it

when these feelings feel enough

Simple

Me cuddled onto your lap

Speaking and discussing moments

Rubbing your legs

It made me miss you

I don’t know if I’ve ever stopped missing you

What is it about you that keeps me so attached

What would I have given up to stay with you

I would stalk you but how much more would that pain me

But even that pain breathes life into your memory