I Take My Whiskey Neat

It’s a known fact that Wayne Enterprises never seems to run out of funds, and with it its CEO, of course. Every year, Wayne squanders a big part of his millions in charity (a means to pay less taxes, some say), in the city’s emergency funds (something only gambling addicts would do, others speculate) and of course, in being one of the primary investors for the Justice League of America fund (again: another way to pay even less taxes?). When asked about his spending habits, he usually shrugs it off, and often starts telling the same story about how his parents raised him to help those who need it — to anyone who has ever heard who Bruce Wayne is, that’s no surprise. But everyone knows that rarely billionaires throw their dollars into funds without getting anything back, and we might’ve gotten a clue on just what Wayne is receiving in exchange for all those donations. 

As I was saying, last night the Gotham City Opera House reopened after being closed off for several months due to repairs and renovations. On its first opening night, many VIPs were invited, including but not limited to Wayne himself, his sons, Lucius Fox, Silver St. Cloud, Summer Gleeson and, of course, myself. As things in our city usually go, someone had to swoop in to ruin the night, and yesterday it was the turn of the Joker. 

Now, you’d probably imagine how we were all scared to death, but the truth is that everyone in that building was high-profile enough to have had at least one run-in with one of Gotham's foulests. In fact, I’d say we were all pretty collected while waiting for Batman to arrive — or better, nobody was screaming like it usually happens. And when the vigilante finally had the decency to show up, he fumbled with his ropes and gadgets like he never does, and instead of the usual ten minutes to resolve the mess it took him almost twenty. 

While we’re not here to talk about Batman’s problems with performance — or maybe we are? — it is most peculiar to notice that he seemed rather nervous upon descending to the Waynes’ private stand. He helped Wayne Sr free his leg from a fallen pillar, and then promptly lifted him up in his arms while helping the other guests leave the theater.

It is important to add that the Bat let go of Wayne only when paramedics approached him outside, with an ambulance ready to depart for Gotham General Hospital, and that this isn’t the first time such a thing happened. Last year Batman swooped in to save Wayne during an explosion at Gotham Heights, with the same weird hesitance over his own gadgets, and various instances much like this have sprouted debate on the Internet. 

The netizens are speculating whether Wayne and Batman may be having an affair — or if the Bat has just caught himself in having a crush. The special care Gotham’s favorite vigilante seems to have in his regards points all the way to a possible secret relationship, which would also explain the various donations from Wayne Enterprises to the course of justice and the well-being of Gotham — and probably to something like a sugar daddy arrangement, knowing Wayne Sr.

Bruce Wayne and Batman have yet to speak up about the matter. In the meantime, I’d like to remind them that it’s not the 1900s anymore, and that homosexual couples have since gained the same benefits straight couples do. Jumping around secretly behind everyone’s back isn’t exactly needed anymore, even if it probably is for the sake of the integrity of the tax benefits.

Were the rumors to be true, the Gotham Gazette editorial team gives their best wishes to the happy couple and hopes to be invited to the wedding — or to be given the exclusive for it, at least.

Bruce glares at Clark over his copy of the Gotham Gazette. “How is it that every time I ask you to cover for me, you manage to bubble up some scandal about how I’m in a supposed affair with Batman?”

Superman tries to give him an embarrassed, crooked smile. “Maybe I just… get too immersed in the character?”

“As you’ve just read, that happens way too often,” Bruce snarls. “Wayne Sr,” he then mutters grimly, “last time I heard that, it was written in my father’s eulogy. Next time, I’ll ask Jason to fill in for me — he’d let me die rather than show favouritism in my regards. Let’s see how Vicki takes to Batman letting Gotham’s most wealthy man to rot.”

It’s a known fact that Wayne Enterprises never seems to run out of funds, and with it its CEO, of course. Every year, Wayne squanders a big part of his millions in charity (a means to pay less taxes, some say), in the city’s emergency funds (something only gambling addicts would do, others speculate) and of course, in being one of the primary investors for the Justice League of America fund (again: another way to pay even less taxes?). When asked about his spending habits, he usually shrugs it off, and often starts telling the same story about how his parents raised him to help those who need it — to anyone who has ever heard who Bruce Wayne is, that’s no surprise. But everyone knows that rarely billionaires throw their dollars into funds without getting anything back, and we might’ve gotten a clue on just what Wayne is receiving in exchange for all those donations. 

As I was saying, last night the Gotham City Opera House reopened after being closed off for several months due to repairs and renovations. On its first opening night, many VIPs were invited, including but not limited to Wayne himself, his sons, Lucius Fox, Silver St. Cloud, Summer Gleeson and, of course, myself. As things in our city usually go, someone had to swoop in to ruin the night, and yesterday it was the turn of the Joker. 

Now, you’d probably imagine how we were all scared to death, but the truth is that everyone in that building was high-profile enough to have had at least one run-in with one of Gotham's foulests. In fact, I’d say we were all pretty collected while waiting for Batman to arrive — or better, nobody was screaming like it usually happens. And when the vigilante finally had the decency to show up, he fumbled with his ropes and gadgets like he never does, and instead of the usual ten minutes to resolve the mess it took him almost twenty. 

While we’re not here to talk about Batman’s problems with performance — or maybe we are? — it is most peculiar to notice that he seemed rather nervous upon descending to the Waynes’ private stand. He helped Wayne Sr free his leg from a fallen pillar, and then promptly lifted him up in his arms while helping the other guests leave the theater.

It is important to add that the Bat let go of Wayne only when paramedics approached him outside, with an ambulance ready to depart for Gotham General Hospital, and that this isn’t the first time such a thing happened. Last year Batman swooped in to save Wayne during an explosion at Gotham Heights, with the same weird hesitance over his own gadgets, and various instances much like this have sprouted debate on the Internet. 

The netizens are speculating whether Wayne and Batman may be having an affair — or if the Bat has just caught himself in having a crush. The special care Gotham’s favorite vigilante seems to have in his regards points all the way to a possible secret relationship, which would also explain the various donations from Wayne Enterprises to the course of justice and the well-being of Gotham — and probably to something like a sugar daddy arrangement, knowing Wayne Sr.

Bruce Wayne and Batman have yet to speak up about the matter. In the meantime, I’d like to remind them that it’s not the 1900s anymore, and that homosexual couples have since gained the same benefits straight couples do. Jumping around secretly behind everyone’s back isn’t exactly needed anymore, even if it probably is for the sake of the integrity of the tax benefits.

Were the rumors to be true, the Gotham Gazette editorial team gives their best wishes to the happy couple and hopes to be invited to the wedding — or to be given the exclusive for it, at least.

Bruce glares at Clark over his copy of the Gotham Gazette. “How is it that every time I ask you to cover for me, you manage to bubble up some scandal about how I’m in a supposed affair with Batman?”

Superman tries to give him an embarrassed, crooked smile. “Maybe I just… get too immersed in the character?”

“As you’ve just read, that happens way too often,” Bruce snarls. “Wayne Sr,” he then mutters grimly, “last time I heard that, it was written in my father’s eulogy. Next time, I’ll ask Jason to fill in for me — he’d let me die rather than show favouritism in my regards. Let’s see how Vicki takes to Batman letting Gotham’s most wealthy man to rot.”