BREAKING: Dogs and Birds announce merger; Cats scrambling to make formal statement
John Business, Associated Press July 2, 2015
WASHINGTON (AP) — In a joint press conference held shortly after 9 am, leaders from both Dogs and Birds announced their unification, saying it was an effort to strengthen both organizations.
“We couldn’t be happier to formalize our partnership with Birds,” Mister Buddy Pickles, chairman of Dogs and a purebred Greyhound, said in the statement. “Together we will have some of the most respected and iconic animals in the industry working side by side, and we look forward to extending our outreach into new arenas. Woof.”
While detractors worry the merger may dilute the distinct cultures of both groups, Bird spokesman Waffles, a Lutino Cockatiel, was quick to address such concerns.
“Birds won’t start playing fetch just yet,” Waffles quipped, eliciting laughter from the press corp, “Both Birds and Dogs have a storied history and tradition that goes back generations. With this new union, we plan to carry on those traditions while also breaking new ground as we strive to win the favor of pet owners across the world.”
But despite the show of strength in this announcement today, many parties believe this merger is a last-gasp attempt to maintain relevance during a record-breaking stretch of pro-Cat sentiment.
“It’s no secret that the past few years have belonged to Cats,” Senior Editor Christopher Pullman of HealthyPet Magazine said. “Ever since Cats rolled out the LOLCATS Initiative, domestic felines have been hotter than ever and have shown no signs of cooling off.”
At the time of this article, Cats had no comment prepared. However, their response is expected to be swift, frenetic and followed by a lengthy nap.
Finally — when asked if they plan to change their names to reflect the merger, Mister Buddy Pickles was tightlipped.
“Rest assured, our Marketing teams are already hard at work.” He said with a sly wag of his tail, “We’ll have MEMES. Oh yes. And when they’re ready, we’ll show them to you.”
AP writer Doug Dinner contributed to this report.
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