this is gonna get clipped to hell on tumblr

i have a coworker who refuses to tell anyone her birthday bc she wants someone to actually do the detective work and i'm like "if i wanted to i could bend a federal law and access your registration information outside of a library checkout and find out right now. but i won't." and she was like "BUT YOU WON'T!" and later that afternoon i detailed a 3-year plan in which i give her a birthday card every month until i get the right month, then the next year give her one each week of that month until i get the right week, and then the NEXT year give her one each day of that week until i get the right day. and she was like "i'm gonna walk in here [into my office] and find a whole conspiracy theory board with red yarn and everything one day." and then we somehow got on the topic of me and her becoming the autistic woman version of ryan and shane. so. new life plan unlocked i guess lol

woke up and opened instagram bc i got a notification that bad bunny posted a new story and ended up seeing mari's berry farm video and going "HOLY FUCK?" lol congrats to the happy couple but that's a wild thing to find out at 5:30 a.m. when i think i'm about to just be looking at benito antonio martinez ocasio