Your pocket maniac

Disclaimer: This blog contains a significant amount of mature content, explicit language, and potentially triggering topics (including violence, sexual assault, mentions of death, and other sensitive subjects). If this type of content is not suitable for you, please do both yourself and me a favor by ignoring the existence of this blog. This blog serves as a form of personal therapy for me, so I kindly ask that you respect my personal space.

The "Read more" button without specifying the presence of triggers in my posts exists to make them compact. If there is a warning, yes, there is trigger content.

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Short Articles:

Introduction & Basic Information About Me

What Is "Homicidomania"?

The Importance of Balancing Psychopathy and Homicidomania

Even Psychopaths Can Cry

About the emotional filter (!!!)

My loyalty

Psychotherapy:

Part One of My Psychotherapy

Part Two of My Psychotherapy

This little gentleman was with me at the store this morning

And...yes, this is still a store in Russia, and they sell alcohol next to the cash register

If you ask me, I'll tell you, "I wouldn't pet that guy, he probably hates being touched." Guys, read this guy and you'll see it too. I'm not the only one who sees this, right? The ability to read an animal's behavior is also part of cognitive empathy

You can't see his behavior, but I think it's written all over his face

I just did a search for #aspd and... it looks like a bunch of very dark posts and thoughts mixed in with my posts about cats and just everyday life

It's like, "I love using people" and "Oh, look, cats!" ahahah...And with all that, I'm a born psychopath, and it's so damn funny

Yes, I love contrasts. Well, you know, that's just my personality. I really like when opposite things go together. And yes, that includes death and life.

Just an unfamiliar cat on the street. Don't kid yourself, I'm indifferent to cats. They're just aesthetically beautiful (I do feed them sometimes, by the way)

And I still have one exception - my son

Just look at this little jerk :з

Pfft, okay lmao

Take a nudes

I just want to buy a small flask of cognac after work and turn myself off...

I feel like a sleeping turret from Portal 2...I just have a critically low energy level

You know, it's a very two-sided thing. I mean, I think I've received a sign from my psychopath-maniac, and... there's a chance that we might be able to reconnect soon. I think so, yes

My relationship with him is a very unique thing. I mean... just give me a second, I'll try to explain

Look. We have me now, right? Yes. We have me. And... if we imagine that I have my absolute double... what should I be prepared for if I want to have a romantic relationship with him? Well... for example, I should be prepared for what our loyalty and our needs look like

When I had relationships with people before, I literally died from the inside because of their need to be around me all the time. So I even had thoughts about the fact that in the future I would need to have 2 apartments - one apartment would exist so that I could spend time with my people. And the second apartment would exist for the time when I would want absolute isolation from society. I can't live with people all the time, I literally start to be annoyed by their existence (I literally say hi to every psychopath who puts up with this shit right now - guys, it's just unhealthy. Yes, two apartments. TWO.)

When it comes to loyalty, I always return to my people, even if it's been a long time

So...when we talk about a relationship with another psychopath-maniac, that was the first thing I thought of. He had the same needs as me + he would need time to himself, only then he could have good health, man. I love him. So... yes, I was prepared for a variety of things from the very beginning of our relationship. Although, in reality, our relationship was much easier, better, and healthier for us than it would have been with regular people

Well... Okay...We thought about that, right? The problem is, I don't think I'm ready for him to come back now. I need to focus on my health and... my injuries from what happened to us are quite fresh. +Now I don't need to think about our well-being, I just exist as a separate unit.

Do I want him to come back? Absolutely. Am I ready for this? Probably not. Do I want to see him? Yes. Am I ready to talk about everything we've been through over the past six months? I don't know

AI assumed that I could create a situation of hyper control, but... well, I don't feel the need for that, I have enough of our qualities that create conditions where we can exist separately from each other without any contact at all. And yet, our actions will be coordinated. I mean... I know what he's doing right now, I literally *know* about it, even though we haven't had any contact, I haven't talked to him in almost a year, man (9 months). How do I know? I know us.

Lol, it's weak. If you don't want to fuck with me and with life, then what do you think about when you say "fuck with me"? I mean, you know, I have my standards. But okay, I can offer you another option: I can fuck your brains out in literally every position from the Kama Sutra. Do we have a deal? Holy shit, that's pretty weak, anon, you could have come up with something more fun for me. What the hell? :(

Now life will always resemble a piece of a sweet bun... I do not know, I'm just really happy to rest. I mean, mentally rest. But yeah, I have a pretty busy day today - I literally have to make 64 protocols (yeah, exactly 64), it's sooooo many documents, lol, it's just crazy

Holy shit, I really want to take a day off this Monday... It's just... yeah...That would be so great...just...I could go outside the city, make kebabs, swim in the lake, drink a bottle of beer, and just roast meat, vegetables, and potatoes over a campfire...But, yes, unfortunately, I have to go to St. Petersburg, so... alas. Although the weather is still quite cold now, I can do it later

I literally can't help how much I love the forest - it doesn't matter with or without company, I just really love it. Actually, it's not a very pleasant experience with people - most of the time I did it with people who don't like to go deep into the woods

Although this is actually a very easy problem to solve, I know quite a lot of people who like to do this too. Stalking, airsoft, hunting...oh my god

And I still have that trip to Saint Petersburg ahead of me... probably. Honestly, I'd gladly just get sick for a week. Just a week of free time

Actually, since I was discharged from the hospital, I don't think I’ve ever had a moment in my life that was truly calm -and right now, that's exactly what I have. It feels like... a vast, dark sea. And you know what? I genuinely like it

I think I'll have to continue my psychotherapy this weekend. Unfortunately, I just don't have much time lately: work's been overwhelming, plus more people have started visiting my blog. Honestly, I wasn't prepared for being asked my thoughts on various disorders. It's like... it's just a collection of information, really, but people treat it like Pokemon, I think. Like, "WHAT'S THIS POKEMON?! IS IT [insert any] PERSONALITY DISORDER?!" Pfheh, it's funny. You probably wouldn't ask someone's opinion about a physical formula, right? Though... I bet there are definitely some perverts out there who do. No doubt about that. But still

A person is not defined by their disorder, and a person's personality is always far more complex than medical terms (most of which people, unfortunately, don’t even study). Honestly, I have no idea what kind of answer anyone expects from me other than, "Um... yeah. You know, I find it hard to talk with emotional people. It's just... hard." Because human emotions have always been quite a heavy thing for me. No, I've definitely had times in my life when I had to care about others' emotions, but... hey, why should I, if all that ends up doing is making my life unnecessarily harder - and meanwhile, I'm the one "manipulating people"? Can you even imagine the real toll psychopath's nervous systems endure? In most cases, they don't even realize the destruction they cause, and there's obviously a huge list of reasons behind it. But the question remains: why?

People don’t like manipulation, I don’t like their emotions and the accusations of manipulation. It almost feels like the situation is actually pretty simple: we just aren't a good match for each other. If someone is emotional - I can hurt them and... so what? That person will carry the wound, maybe later they'll see a psychologist and work through it. What's the point? Hey, just give me freedom: a freedom where there are no such risks with them. If you feel bad being with me, leave. If I feel that I don't need this, I'll leave too. It takes me about two minutes to process that information. It's simple. I don't want to play these games with people

Although there will always be people who genuinely attract me, and I genuinely attract them. Some will enjoy my company, some won't. I don't understand why any of this has to matter so much

"People are easy to manipulate" - uh...yeah. Definitely, humans have vulnerabilities. People often know this about themselves without anyone pointing it out, some don’t know yet, but "finding out" is always easy. People care about... people. Do they care about psychopaths? No. We don’t care about them either, but I do care about us, for example. And... I'm not the only psychopath who doing it

Holy crap, you can really talk forever about human vulnerabilities. It's like a broken record

Edit: Oh...I rarely interact with people with borderline personality disorder. Sorry, this question came to me in the middle of the night, I accidentally got them mixed up. Although the meaning is actually the same. It's easier for me to talk about specific examples rather than disorders, really. Everything always depends very much on people, our interaction, my energy level, etc., their disorders simply set a vector that can be ignored. So I can't even count that as a serious mistake, but I was still very sleepy when I read the question. If I may say it better: Damn, I really don't care, as long as we're comfortable with each other.

I literally start to melt like a piece of butter in a frying pan when I see people with a lot of emotions, so... it's hard for me to watch them, let alone interact with them. But from what I've observed, it seems like they have fun with each other - they often support each other and can understand each other's problems. I'm not sure if I could handle interacting with them, as I feel very bad when I'm around people with a lot of emotions. It's like a noise to me, but it applies to literally everyone, not just people with bipolar personality disorder. So, it's a party I had to leave without me, but it seems like they're just having fun on their own. I think there's a chance that they might need empathy from me, and then we'll be in a very bad situation with each other - I have nothing to offer them

My attempts at creating empathy have been incredibly unsuccessful, even when I've tried to do it with my friends. Essentially, I can support and be there for someone, but I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope - it's easy to make a mistake, and I'm still ultra-blind in this sense

Damn, today, at the end of the workday, my boss's daughter came to our workplace. I didn't see her, but I could hear her voice and their conversation in his office very clearly (my office is literally next to his, so I hear literally everything that happens in there). And… damn, I like her. It's just… the way she talked to him literally sounded like a challenge. She sounded so cheerful and alive with him. And she ate his chocolate bar, lol. I enjoyed listening to their conversation. His daughter is already an adult and, apparently, my boss made sure she could work at this company too, but this is the first time I've seen her during all the time I've worked here. I haven't seen people with that kind of character in a very long time, but it's always nice - damn, it's ALWAYS much nicer than talking to most people on this planet. If you asked me, "Who would you respect more: an aggressive person or a cheerful person?" You could kill me, but my answer would always be, "Dude, can you even imagine how strong those cheerful people are? It's insane."

Although people seem to have a different concept of strength… Well, they see strength as aggression and tyranny. That's not even my opinion, that's just how it works. People have argued with me and tried to suppress me more times than I can count in my life, and… I think because of my trauma, my own concept of strength shifted toward aggression… but that's just trauma, yeah. I've always looked at strength a little differently. To me, a strong person isn't a tyrant, strength looks completely different to me. Tyrants are always easy to manipulate, I think… Damn, I literally lived with a tyrant until I was eighteen. And tyrants never actually have real control over the situation. Basically, I'd call them the loneliest people on this planet. Just imagine it: it's always an aggressive person who gets angry every time you do something they don't like, but… has anyone in this world ever actually given such people their own will? That's the point. They almost never have real control over the situation. They may want all kinds of things from you and maybe they even feel some degree of loneliness, but because of the way they've become used to getting "what they want" (it's always just the appearance that their wishes become reality), they always remain alone. Nobody loves tyrants, and I don't love them either, but they're extremely pitiful to watch

So I've never seen any real strength in that. None at all. But yes, I always see strength in people like my boss's daughter. I don't know how to describe her, but I know how to describe someone who's very much like her: a very good friend of mine

Just imagine this: you're very overweight - openly fat - you have blood cancer and a lot of heart problems. Your health is so bad that even after you become an incredibly popular person (there's a good chance that if I showed you his work, you'd recognize him) and you have enough money to get weight-loss surgery, you still can't do it because of all those health problems. My friend literally didn't know when he might die. But he was literally the most cheerful person in the world, with the best sense of humor of anyone I've ever met. He constantly joked about his excess weight and about death, and he was always devoted to his hobby. I knew him before all of his popularity and watched literally every step of his growth. And I'm very proud of him, yeah. People like that are very difficult to break and… I never had any desire to do that. We were very good friends, yeah… Somehow I managed to surround myself with a number of very unique people. Well… as strange as it may sound, I've literally always dealt with very strong people. Probably because I'm attracted to them, yeah, but… dude, when I was fifteen, I became the third person after the founder of the Hierarchy of Satan. More than 10,000 followers of the Hierarchy know me by the name Shadow. But in reality… I never talked to ordinary people. I always talked to the kind of people I'm describing. In other words, my friend and the founders of the largest cult in Russia were my image of an "ordinary person," because… because they were simply ordinary to me. The other people I interacted with were also simply ordinary to me. And… it created a picture of the world for me in which everyone was like them, even though I'd never actually interacted with genuinely ordinary people. I think because of those connections, my image of an "ordinary person" eventually became distorted. What were the consequences? Uh… well… I had to rethink a lot of different kinds of shit, at the very least

It all depends on the person. My best friend was a narcissist, and we really loved each other as friends. We were very close, and we often talked about different things in life, but sometimes we hurt each other. We stopped talking, tried to ignore each other, but eventually enjoyed spending time with each other when we started being friends again. I'm generally very calm about narcissists, and I don't attack them. However, there are sometimes very bad situations: one person had enough money to try to attack me, even if it didn't make much sense (online harassment and other shit). People can be very different. But overall, I'm just calm about them as long as we don't hurt each other. They have their own important things, and I have my own important things, and they don't have to be the same. It's just sometimes difficult because of each other's boundaries