(im)mortality;

Hi ♡ Almost three months have passed since I last messaged you. The past months have been kind of rough for me, that's why. Fortunately, I'm on my winter break now! How have you been?

not that i’ll ever admit it, but there are times where i’ve daydreamed myself a better ending. maybe i knew better than to fall, maybe i was brave enough to confess, maybe i said the words i should have, done what should have been done, and you would still be here, sitting opposite me, steaming cup of coffee between your hands, complaining yet again about how they gave you too much cream. the setup had been perfect, the beginning flawless, but somewhere along the line it all went wrong and i’m left to wonder where. at least in these other worlds, hypothetical pipedreams, you’re still here. it’s in those worlds i say all the things i can never say to you now, things i still don’t have the courage to admit aloud. and sometimes i wonder if you have these too, fantasies based on what could have been, but then i remember that if you did, we’d be together in this cafe, instead of sitting back to back and pretending not to know one another.

Hi ♡ It's me again. It's been a while, isn't it? How have you been? Hope you're doing alright. Take care always!

1. there’s a special arrogance that comes with youth: the belief that you are invincible, are immortal. it’s the sort of thing that comes with not having to fear death, those few, precious moments where you feel like you’re on top of the world.

i’m not sure if it’s a side effect of growing up or something else, but life just seems so muted nowadays. i remember other summers in vivid colors, afternoons spent by the pool laughing and trying not to get my hair wet even though i knew it was inevitable, but this one feels stagnant. i wake up late like i always have, go to sleep in the middle of the night, but in between there’s just something that’s missing, making it feel like i’m watching life go by instead of actually living it.

Have fun on your writing camp! Looking forward to reading more beautiful writings from you ♡

i took the pictures of us down this morning. they were getting too hard to look at, the younger versions of us with crooked teeth and messy hair, smiling because we were having the time of our lives together, because we thought we would keep on having the time of our lives together. as i peeled them off the wall, folded the tape over the back of each photo, slipped them into the shoebox in the closet, i didn’t feel nearly as bad as i thought i would all those times i considered doing it in the past. you never come over anymore, so you’ll never see they’re gone.

I am in love with your writing.

you told me you had never seen tragedy, but I never thought it meant you wanted to create your own

no one talks about how hard it is to fall out of love with your friends. it’s a special kind of pain, to slowly realize that the person you spent your past and planned your entire future with just isn’t in the picture anymore. it used to be you two against the world, but now you’re on opposite sides of a faultline, neither of you wanting to make the jump to the other end in fear you’ll fall. it’s something that deserves all the bravado and attention we give breakups, yet people are expected to go through the ordeal like it’s nothing out of the ordinary

and maybe, just once, the hero wants to dance in the ashes of a world on fire instead of putting out the flames

maybe in another life we were meant to be. perhaps in some other universe the thought of us together is more than just a daydream I thought up one day and can’t let go of. and though it’s not this one, it would be comforting to know that somewhere there’s another me, maybe one that’s prettier or more daring, who can fall asleep easier because she’s not kept up every night imagining what if