untitled;

think you know what love is but

i’d curl up and cry barely able to breathe

huddled against you but lost within my thoughts numb alone all alone and scared.

hey, can you look at me please? honey, please. it’s going to be okay -

your voice so gentle, the way it gets when you’re worried, green eyes softly glowing with the fairy lights above the door

i don’t look cute right now, i’d whimper - and you’d reassure me again;

when i was with you i felt like everything was okay, things paused except for the warmth i felt in your arms

thanks to you i felt like i could breathe again and

thanks to you i learned to not build my homes inside other people because now i know that home might not be where your heart is

because i was never in your heart

at least in the way i thought;

words, or a lack thereof,

are so significant - and so stunning

stunning as in sharp and painful where all else stops as i try to focus on my breathing

i’ve learned not to build my homes inside of other people but i still have a ways to go

i’m scared that i’ll never learn like i’m supposed to or that i’m just not good enough to not

sometimes i feel crazy and too sensitive and that no one gets how i feel

am i too demanding? i crave the comfort i had when i was in your arms

i crave a comfort with myself and my heart and my mind

and as I held her I finally understood how she’d felt this whole time, her body collapsing into my chest, the weight of her world held up by mine

hey, can you look at me? honey please look at me, it’s okay to be sad

she sighed, closing her eyes - i’m sorry - she said. i’m so sorry. she said, whimpering

she’s told me how it feels, to feel numb and scared and sad, chest sore, arms and legs feeling useless - to feel lost, and small, and oh so fragile, don’t drop her, she’ll break

and as I held her, I wish I could understand what was going on in her mind, in her arms and legs, in her veins, blood coursing, chest stinging, heart still beating

beating, beating

the seconds felt like forever

and I was her forever

or so she thought;

how could a girl like me, delicate, yet strong, feel so much and yet so little?

it hurts, honey, it hurts

she cried

i hurt.

and as I held her in my arms

she stopped crying and got up

so I sat there lost with

nothing in my arms - her world, separate from mine,

the paper or the pen?

both indispensable

it’s like being 19 and telling a boy you loved him

gently breathing

soft sighs lying on your side

white lace cami light teal shorts, bow slightly untied under the warmth of fairy lights above your door

what’s there to be scared of?

years later and you can’t decipher why

you’re upset and you’re crying you’re shaking with too much on your mind

you feel a little numb and you wonder - where’s the pain? darling you’ve been through so much heartbreak, it’s bound to ache

sometimes

twinkle flashing floating across the navy sky illuminated by light pollution

between the upward facing panels of the blinds

(you have to let some light in)

and another

and another

where are they going?

what do you mean by different?

i mean lots of things, you know like

how i hear your voice and i feel safe despite how you hurt me over and over and over after telling me, please don’t let me hurt you

you had forgotten that you said that but am i supposed to be surprised?

we talked about our old home and i said i miss it when i meant that i miss you

you were my home.

i can hear your smile in your voice and i can see it, excuse the cliche - the way you smirk in the softest manner before bursting into a grin

it felt like no time had passed and that everything was okay again and we were back in the building with clanking radiators, curled up in a cuddle puddle under the glow of the fairy lights window shades up staring at the streaks of light across the sky

you said, well i should go soon because it’s getting pretty late over here

i said, what do you mean over here? laughing

i haven’t laughed like that in a long time.

you live less than 5 minutes away and you said i don’t know, i say weird things when it’s late

i miss your sayings, your thoughts, your everything

cliche after cliche after cliche

because they’re true

and you just couldn’t tell me the truth in time

i said, i’m sorry to make things weird but you know it’s just different to talk to you because i don’t really know what we are, you know

and you said uh yeah well good night good luck get some rest

but how can i rest when you’re gone?

so i’m learning to love myself

little by little

turning this turmoil into something

safe a safe place where im not scared

because you’re not here

the world seems so scary

maybe it’s because i’m always so stressed

and it’d be nice to curl up against someone

but only if they’re genuine and kind and true

little by little

but i loved you past tense

i miss the way you made me feel

did you ever think how your lies would make me feel?

do you ever think about how it feels for me now - heartbroken, two years later

learning to love myself without you

with each little step

but i️ don’t feel sad from missing you anymore

at least not recently

these past few days i’ve tried to find that feeling

the feeling of home when i️ think about what it was like to be wrapped up i️n your arms

next to you each night and each morning in your twin xl bed

or when i’d roll over in mine and kiss your cheek and smile with a sleepy good morning in the way i️ say it only for you

and you’d purse your lips a bit and smile softly and say hi

or good morning and i’d snuggle up against you feeling like pure bliss

the funny thing is i️ teared up while writing this

i want to tell you “i miss you”

but it wouldn’t mean a thing to you

what makes you think that

do you remember how you wanted to watch the lighting during storms out my windows from the foot of my bed?

and i didn’t bring my umbrella so i got

soaked.

not as much as a year ago today where i had to wring out my maxi skirt in the middle of a starbucks after you told me things

that keep me up at night

i didn’t sleep well last night because i kept playing our conversation our conversations over and over again recalling details that i didn’t intend to like how i kissed you even after the cab had pulled up

it wasn’t a cab though because it’s the 21st century you dumped me in a thunderstorm in the middle of downtown and told me to call an uber so it wasn’t a cab and you couldn’t have called one for me you didn’t have the courtesy

and do you remember the couple that ran inside and asked us to take a picture of them because i do

that could’ve been us she was wearing a white cami her hair in a bun their smiles endearing their laughter their having fun and i don’t know why

i keep thinking of all of these

what ifs because

it’s

been a year what am

i thinking what am

i to

you what does it matter

when you never loved me

the way

i cared