Look Ahead

everything she would give for it to just stop. for everything to stop. to either end, or to rewind. if she could rewind that near-decade, knowing what she knew now, then everything could stop before it could start. she would rather be her parents’ puppet. but, most of all, if there could simply be a time without her. so many times. so close. but the fact remained that she was there, time would march forth, she was even more unsuccessful in death than life, and she would never have the capability she wished she could still have around her sisters. the capability to try to mend, try to heal – they would always be strangers. and there was nothing she could do about it now. 

and she wanted to go back to sleep. if she could do that, then she could pretend this wasn’t happening again. if she could do that, then she could pretend that what had initially just been a harshed vibe hadn’t turned into what could be an ending. but not to anything she wished would end – most things she wished would end already had ( save for the simpsons – it should’ve ended after the eleventh season ). and, for as surprised as she should’ve been with their lack of communication and the reminders that surfaced when allie was around, the concept of their relationship forever ending itself did terrify her. she’d burned bridges, sure, but they’d been to her own accord. this wasn’t only something entirely new, but a bridge she didn’t wish to burn. one she didn’t think ever would have. yes, she wanted to go back to sleep.

eyes still closed, as if sleep would come to her as she discussed the topic with allie, all she could do was shake her head. “ i don’t think you get it, ” then, with a sigh, added, “ because i don’t even get it. ” she couldn’t. it wasn’t an act of stubbornness or pride; it was an act of desperation. that sixteen-year-old who wished she could be friends with her sisters, who wished they were more like full house, was still hidden within her. between that and the overwhelming guilt over her exposing, it was undeniable. “ because i am so me. ” and that ‘me’ would always include her younger self. then, finally opening her eyes, she concluded, “ if you want me out of your life, then… that’s your call. i don’t wanna make you unhappy, but… i can’t say it. ”

Allison wanted to pretend that all sorts of memories flashed before her eyes in some grand, cinematic way. She wanted to pretend that there were untapped moments from childhood that would change her mind about everything. But, there was nothing. Because, life was not some movie, and those stupid family sitcoms always made things out to be much more rose-colored than they were. The characters on Full House never dealt with kidnapping, or drugs. They were placed in a perfect little world that did not exist. And people would pretend it was realistic. Sometimes, Sister’s couldn’t hug and make-up. 

There was one thing Alice had right; she didn’t get it. There was nothing between them-- nothing spoken at least --and, yet, they gripped on to that ‘nothing’ so tightly. Allison hated to admit that she had some foolish hope that, despite everything, they could find a way to get along for once in their life. That, maybe, distance and time had turned Alice into some idyllic version of herself. Maybe, after all this time, Alice would be reasonable, sober, and understanding. But, it was unreasonable to look at the world with such optimism. Allison should have known better.

nan: yeah... my co-pilot has a family and i don't want him behind bars because of this, but rolfe isn't famous for being the most reasonable person in the world

nan: it's just awful, seeing everyone just say such nasty things. and then we're still expected to be professional around them in the office? it's nearly impossible

allison: i'm so sorry. i wish there was anything that i could say or do, but the best that i've got is support.

“ have you tried taking care of a turtle ? ” it seemed that the alice of the moment would die on the hill of taking care of turtles being just as hard, if not harder, than telling someone a loved ( ? ) one just died. it was damn hard work ! and extremely impressive that joey had pulled it off ! maybe even better than her ! “ mhm. ” there they were ! the partial fact was out there, alice and allie both understood it, and they both had so little to say regarding something that could’ve been important ! very adams of them !

life was so very funny. and so very cruel. had allie never taken this job, alice never would have had a reason to talk to her more again; had allie never taken this job, alice never would have told her everything; had allie never taken this job, alice’s precious ‘secret’ could remain that amongst the family; had allie never taken this job, alice never would have texted her; had allie never taken this job, she would have no reason to ask for an out. their relationship before masters was close to nonexistent, but just there enough for alice to still know that there was an unspoken degree of care – understanding – even when they didn’t understand each other at all. masters really had been the big bad behind it all, hadn’t it been ?

“ i can’t. ” not like that. she closed her eyes, the only way to block everything and bring any real thoughts to the forefront of her mind. “ if you want an out… ” she had no clue how to finish the thought. she didn’t want to give her an out – she didn’t want to be completely out of her life. that had never been the goal. as little as possible ? yes. entirely ? she already would’ve blocked her. and the worst part of it was that she knew it was the right thing to do – to offer allie an out. to give her a reason to block her, avoid her, never speak to her. to give her a way to ensure she wouldn’t have to worry about her – not actively ( because her texts wouldn’t go through, of course ). but, christ, being completely estranged… not just only communicating when absolutely necessary, or perhaps sending a ‘happy birthday’ text, but to be completely out of each other’s lives – was that what allie wanted ? “ i just… i can’t give it to you, i’m sorry. ” clenching her jaw, she added, “ but… you don’t need me to. ”

Allison’s eyes remained downward, watching the water move as best as she could through the obscured line of sight. It was the only thing keeping her grounded. If she were to look up, the world would start to spin, and Allison wasn’t sure she could make a quick get away if she needed to with that. She took in a shaky breath, fighting off tears and a guilty conscious all at the same time. 

Her Father had told her not to feel guilty-- that Alice was being dramatic, and she shouldn’t give up such an opportunity to spare her Sister’s feelings. But, there was no way around knowing that a part of her greed for success had pushed them to this point. Had Allison accepted any other job, they could have remained blissfully distant. Sending and ignoring one word text messages. Never telling their children about that strange Aunt that only appears in old family photos. Never crossing paths until the talk of inheritance money was brought to the table. But, Allison had brought this upon them out of a need for a success she knew she really couldn’t reach. 

“ honestly, telling someone someone died seems just about as easy as taking care of a turtle. ” …maybe not emotionally – definitely not emotionally – but a few words were easier than… however long joey’d been left taking care of doc. she was pretty sure it’d only been a weekend… but a week was possible… it had been like joint custody during the week. because how did she deal with getting exposed ? she pulled a disappearing act. “ well, that’s how it went. ” again, she had a feeling referring to the dealers wouldn’t exactly make allie feel better. at all. but she’d upgraded !

her sister’s explanation was a genuinely shocking one. for a moment, it left her damn near speechless… partially because she had to wonder if what allie said was true. were they even capable of liking each other at this point ? they didn’t know each other. the likelihood that they ever would was slim at best. and that floating feeling was fading too damn fast for her liking. “ alright, y’know what, i’ll play: i think you want me to say i don’t like you so you can feel better about not liking me and then you can cut contact with me and have a valid reason – because i said that i don’t like you and that was the final straw. ” perhaps there were parts of the sentiment that carried a sense if manipulation, but she was too damn confused with a growing agitation to even consider it. and the fact was in there, wasn’t it ? “ so how about now ? ” she hated this. she fucking hated this. she’d just been vibing, and then… “ am i getting closer now ? ” …and then she was coming to the realization that her sister didn’t ever want to talk to her again. and right in front of her salad after the concern expressed !

“Do you even listen to yourself when you talk?” It was almost a serious question. Allison did have to wonder if Alice ever thought things all the way through before she just spoke them out loud, because in most conversations they shared, it was hard to say. “Alright. Well, great, I guess.” Allison still wasn’t happy with the fact that Alice had just fallen off the face of the earth for an undetermined amount of time, but there was no use in continuing the conversation-- not that Allison would ever hear the end of her atrocity in lack of communication.

“ he took care of my turtle for, like… an entire weekend by himself. way more competent than you’re giving him credit for. ” turtles were high maintenance ! if he could keep the doc well and good over the week and weekend ( to such a point that she wrote him in as the doc’s proper owner should she die on what she would begin to refer to as her ‘death napkin’ ) that she’d been partially awol for, he could notify her next of kin. sighing, she replied, “ if it makes you feel any better, you were the last person i texted. ” next to some plugs, but allie didn’t have to know about that. 

as she kept prodding alice, all she found herself doing was shifting her eyes to her, then to the boardwalk, then back to her. why allie suddenly wanted to know what alice thought about her so bad, she wasn’t sure. in any case, what words were there to put to her thoughts on her sister ? “ why do you wanna know what i think about you so bad ? ” in any case, as alice saw it – in her clearer moments – allie wasn’t even the larger problem. it was their environment. their toxic family as a whole. herself. because wasn’t she just so her ? “ you barely know me, i barely know you. why does my opinion suddenly matter ? ” it was a genuine question accompanying a genuine observation. they were different around each other than they were in their everyday lives ( or so alice supposed, what given her own case ), they hadn’t known each other as kids – even if there’d been a time that alice had tried… their real selves were strangers.

“Pet sitting, and dealing with death are two incredibly different things. You can’t seriously pretend they aren’t.” It wasn’t a matter of could, in Allison’s mind. Joey was perfectly capable. He had certainly gotten this far in life somehow. It was a matter of whether or not he should be expected to handle it. Did it make her feel better to know that no one knew where Alice was for several days? Except for possibly Joey. “I’m honestly not sure how that makes me feel if I’m being honest.” In a way, she had wished Alice would’ve talked to anyone if she wouldn’t talk to her. 

it all seemed rather dramatic to alice. she wasn’t dead. she was at coney island amongst a bunch of children and, unexpectedly, a bunch of her coworkers. so she simply waved a hand and replied, “ if i’d gone missing or, like, died, don’t you think joey would’ve told you ? ” there weren’t many benefits of having a mutual friend with one’s quasi-enemy as a roommate, but, in this particular scenario, it was one. shrugging her shoulders, she tacked on, “ i don’t think suicide would make the nightly news anyway. ” at least not hers. she was no celebrity ! 

every time they got close to being close, they drifted farther. their first fight – the only reason it was paused was due to allie’s slip of the tongue and a joint on the roof; their second one – the only reason it was paved over, however temporarily, was due to alice’s exposing; and this one ? it didn’t seem as grand as the others. the yelling was kept to a minimum, the logic behind it wasn’t repetitive… and perhaps that made it more dangerous. perhaps the fact that it, for the very first time, wasn’t alice initiating the argument made something about it lethal. yet, she didn’t have that same sense of dread she’d had at the gala. could it be chalked up to her recent, however fleeting, state of euphoria ? perhaps. could it be chalked up to the fact that, as the non-instigator, she didn’t understand the full severity ? also possible. “ i think you want me to fall for this. ” she paused, leaning back to fully take in her sister. “ i think you need me to tell you everything that’s wrong, ‘cause no one else will. they either like whatever kinda chameleon you become around them, or they don’t point it out ‘cause they want you to ‘figure it out for yourself’… but you don’t know how. ” the latter bunch being their parents, of course. “ i think broken’s our birthright and you’re just now realizing it. ” then, with only the slightest of pauses, she asked, “ am i getting close ? ”

“Are you really expecting Joey to, not only deal with your death, but find me and tell me?” Allison questioned. Joey was a wonderful friend, and a kind soul. But for Alice to expect him to appropriately deal with the trauma of losing a friend, and notifying next of kin, she was kidding herself. Allison crossed her arms over her chest. “That doesn’t make it better. All I’m saying is if you plan on texting me cryptic messages that make it seem like you’re planning on killing yourself, text me a couple days afterwards.”

“ are they ? ” they were. not that she fully recognized it in that moment, but allie joining a large corporation without giving her a heads-up ( which, granted, had become her entire world ) wasn’t quite as extreme as alice informing her that she was all well and good after sending a string of concerning text messages. but, to be fair… she forgot ! “ you knew i was fine. i was texting you and, like… you knew i was going somewhere you knew. ” and she had to assume allie didn’t know many dangerous people ( then again, for all they knew, son of sam 2.0 could’ve been working at masters ). “ so, like… don’t you think you would’ve been told if i’d died or whatever ? ”

alice offered a single nod. that was it. that was all he did. that was all he had to do. “ took it as a sign – didn’t wanna traumatize him. ” a terrifying question was begged out of this situation: would it have happened had allie replaced sal ? a part of her knew she wouldn’t want to traumatize her sister(s) either, but another part of her still carried such unfair animosity… just enough to scare her – to think she may be just bad enough. but she couldn’t… even when she began running her mouth again – no, she couldn’t… right ? no. but goddamn her if she couldn’t argue back, even with some of the pink still swirling around. but she hesitated… because, once again, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. yes, partially because she’d only half-listened to the beginning of allie’s spiel, but that wasn’t it. “ no, ” cool, level-headed, as if she felt no sting. and she let it marinate as she collected her thoughts. “ see, if the problem’s that i’m so me, then the problem isn’t that you’re them. i mean, yeah, they may’ve had a huge impact, but it’s not that you’re them. it’s that you’re so you. hell, did you not hear that first spiel of yours ? i mean, if i’m hateful, you’re judgmental, ” she concluded, tone even throughout. to let it be known that anything allie had just said would have a lasting impact would be to admit defeat, and everything was wearing off too quickly for that.

nan: it sounds nastier with the way the gossip blog worded it, but it really truly was just an accident

nan: we hadn't been expecting him to press charges, but i guess i could understand where rolfe was coming from. all of the people i fly are putting their lives in my hands for however many hours i'm in the air for, and i suppose rolfe thought my co-pilot had it out for him this time

nan: i wish i could just leave the chat. it's not fun seeing what everyone has to say and comment

allison: not surprising. they always make a mountain out of a mole hill.

allison: still, i feel bad that this is all being dragged out like this. i just hope that he changes his mind and let's it go so it can just become background noise

alice squinted at her sister as if she were the sun ! the center of the galaxy ! which, in her state, alice felt she was trying to be. “ well isn’t that just the pot calling the kettle black… ” for the most part, she’d accepted that she and allie would be working in the same building by now. but having her exact argument tossed back at her ? an argument that allie had never given a satisfactory – an understandable – response to ? why the hell would she owe her any kind of reasonable explanation back ? reciprocity, right ?

she rolled her eyes at the follow-up question. too tired to truly censor herself, she replied, “ he came on the roof. ” not that she’d expected allie to – hell, she was probably nearing sleep by that time, but that emphasis seemed totally necessary to prove just how helpful sal was ! allie’s response to her own retort was unexpected. and not in a good way. she cocked her head to the side, genuinely confused, by how she could’ve been so passionate about alice not letting her in then so blasé when alice pointed out that she’d tried to before, however long ago it was. “ so… you’ll berate me about being hateful and so me, but the second i remind you that you’ve never known me – even when i tried to get y’all to – you’ve got nothing to say ? ” it was beginning to wear off. early stages, but beginning. “ y’know, i’d say allen and anna started this, but maybe it was just y’all all along. ”

nan: since you're my friend, i'll allow you the details

nan: it truly was an accident. i've flown thousands of times in a thousand different planes and jets. i just forgot one time to check the engines

nan: /one time/ and now here i am, off the hook with this constantly hanging over my head and a co-pilot who's facing charges because of me

nan: i've been talking to him, though. we don't think rofle is actually going to go through with trial, but if he does... then i can only hope my co-pilot is spared

nan: no, but thank you. you're too kind

allison: thank you for telling me. I was sure it was an accident anyway, but i'm grateful you were willing to share.

allison: I really hope he doesn't go through with the trial, it all seems to dramatic and theatrical for an accident.

“ queen latifah. ” an actress. a singer-songwriter. a rapper. a producer. queen latifah did it all, and jack commended her. perhaps they celebrated her. “ i doubt anyone could come close to beating queen latifah, but it’ll certainly be interesting to see who they’ve chosen this year. from my research, they’re usually lesser known names, however… if they’re meant to be the showstoppers, then i’ll trust their instincts. ”

“Oh, hardly. It would have to be... I don’t know, maybe Beyoncé?” Kim offered, trying to think of anyone who could top that kind of cameo. “I just want to know who had to call in favors to get her to do the parade.” She nodded. “I’m sure it’s going to be impressive. And, honestly, all the kids excited to be mermaids makes it pretty fun, too.” 

nan: thank you

nan: i'm so distraught currently

nan: i'd been hoping no one would ever know about this. i was going to ask the court to keep the records private if this ever went to trial

nan: but now everyone knows and i feel like explaining myself will do absolutely nothing

allison: they're just being mean for the sake of being mean. you don't owe a single person in that chat an explanation.

allison: just know, that i have your back. you're my friend, and i couldn't care less about what happened. i know you're a good person, and that's what matters.

allison: hey, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

alice nodded her head with a slight smile, ever so pleased that she didn’t get corrected this time around. synonymous. definitely the word. “ yeah, but… ” - pause for either dramatics or brief moment of distraction because there was some kid eating ice cream off the boardwalk and even she, in her warped state of mind, knew that was a questionable choice - “ - i didn’t. still right here. ” which was kind of annoying, but at least she’d found a brand new outlook on life ! all it took was trying a few new things ( but never touching heroin ! she’d been warned ! ) and realizing it didn’t matter, but in a cool way ! 

alice slumped down some more because she gets it, mom ! “ hey – me and sal are close, but we don’t do heart-to-hearts either. ” perhaps sal had something allie did not ( an existing friendship with alice ), but she needn’t worry about alice spilling her guts to him and not her ! not that he wouldn’t be the more likely candidate, but the fact remained ! however, once she took in her sister’s follow-up statements, she turned towards her, eyebrows furrowed – allie wanted to be there but alice was so herself - hateful. “ so do you just, like… not remember everything before ? ‘cause i was the first one to ever try – and for so long. ” this time, she wouldn’t take allie being younger as an excuse. being shielded from the truth of a dark subject was one thing; simply trying to grow close was another. “ you don’t get to say i’m grumpy and hateful and so me and that you’ll never understand me when you just took too long to try. ”

“But, you don’t see how it could be frustrating to not be told that?” She tried to ignore the fact that Alice had simply done the same thing that Allison had, not letting Alice know that she had taken a job at Masters. But, as far as Allison was concerned, this was a much bigger deal than that. This was a matter of not knowing whether her Sister would show up on the news. The last thing she needed was news sources being the only form of connection she had to her Sister. 

santos almost hesitated handing her his phone at her words– trust wasn’t his strong suit, and he found it almost comical that a joke of that matter would be made as he was on an outing with his daughter. her laugh soothed some of his worries– she was joking ? right ? nonetheless, he handed her his phone and crouched down next to sutton and her pink ice cream cheeks. “ we might have to talk out some conditions for said blackmail, friend. ” he said in between smiling for the picture. “ why do i get the vibe that you come here often ? ” he asked finally standing back up, his knees cracking– please no dad bod next please. 

Kim’s eyes widened a little bit, realizing her joke did not land the way it was intended. “Oh, my god, no not that kind of blackmail. The ‘oh, no, Dad please don’t pull out the family album with my friends over’ kind for when she’s a teenager. Ya know?” She recalled it happening to her constantly. Especially if she brought a boy over-- prospective love interest or otherwise. She grabbed his phone, lining up the shot and taking a couple of pictures-- obligatory options. “Oh, I don’t know about often, but I didn’t grow up too far from here. I used to come in the summers, especially if I had competitions in the city.”