papa squat

(logging into the beating a slightly funny joke into the fucking ground website) they better not be beating a slightly funny joke into the fucking ground in here

my mom had a nightmare years ago that george costanza tried to kill her and sometimes when we're watching seinfeld and george starts yelling about something she'll be like "that's what he sounded like when he tried to kill me"

sorry yeah, you're actually not allowed in the grocery store anymore. yeah, everyone thought it was super weird when you were rummaging in your wallet for your debit card and it was making everyone super uncomfortable and taking a long time. sorry

had a dream where my mom tried to give our Venus fly trap a spoonful of milk and it immediately started hacking and coughing like an adult human man

Using my boyfriend's laptop and the first thing I see is the Wikipedia for Beef Stew where every link is purple

kissing you on the forehead

with tongue?

with tongue. 🥰

The worst thing in the entire world is when you’re sweeping a big pile of dirt into a dustpan and it leaves that little coke line of grit behind. No matter how you position your pan or your broom and no matter how many times you sweep over it your outcome cannot change. As immovable as fate. I hate it so

wait what the fuck is that

the oldest profession was probably actually babysitting. like “i have to go do something, can you watch my baby for a while?” has to be one of the most ancient requests ever. animals do this. why wouldn’t people living in caves and inventing fire not also take advantage of someone else watching their baby while they go and kill an antelope or something for the tribe to eat

I forgot people believe in evolution so my first answer was “duh, its animal husbandry and farming/gardening cause God told Adam to name the garden and made him caretaker of the garden. And then after the Fall he had to work hard to till and…. oh right people think we learned one thing at a time and somehow survived…”

congrats for making the funniest comment on this post lmao

LOL whos tye saultry little binch on the bottom lsft????

this post is less than 1% away from being completely incomprehensible