Mae Panic(s)! At The Social Media

everybody needs to read more. read all the time. read every day. read read read

unrestrained summer fun

ran out of babies no more babies

Da komt Hornbach.

Die einzige Konstante im Leben ist IKEA.

aren't gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn't maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

They should substitute "chimpanzee" for "gorilla" in this hypothetical.

if it was a chimp i'm taking the fucking snakes

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I'm not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

fucking enamored with the implication that this gorilla is fully intelligent but is trying to manufacture plausible deniability like the movie barnyard

my hot take is that if hollanov had a baby, there would be absolutely ZERO public appearances with this baby, absolutely zero photos of baby on social media and every single person who even dared to click their camera in the vague direction of this baby would get sued to hell and back. Yuna brings up a multi million dollar ad campaign offer from a baby clothing brand, and Shane doesn't talk to her for a full week.

Friedrich Merz, looking at Germany's declining birthrate: "Unacceptable. We must cut parental leave down to 33% and prohibit people from switching to part-time work. That'll teach those lazy good for nothing no-child-having young people. That'll fix this economy."

not an apologizer but a contextualizer. yes the character did that but please understand the Circumstance. yes they had other options but they had to make this choice in a sea of available bad choices. and also it made the narrative more interesting. won't anybody think about the narrative!!!!!

and then with shane it's just like. oh this guy's life is perfect. i wonder what's wrong with him. and then the very next second it's like does shane think a suit and tie is necessary for all sex??? or just gay sex???

Please keep interacting with this post because when I come to tumblr to procrastinate, this shows up again in my notifications and guilts me into writing again