₊ ⊹ paledyingrose ꫂ ၴႅၴ⊹ ࣪ ˖

shane and ilya are fictional characters, but their struggles in the context of this story are unfortunately very real. approximately 70 million people in the world struggle with an eating disorder. around 400 million have some form of alcohol dependency, while around 5% of the global population struggles with depression. but that's not all; as of right now, 66 out of 195 countries in the world criminalize consensual same-sex acts, while 12 allow the death penalty.

these are just numbers, however. and while they're horrifying, what's even more heartbreaking is that behind each digit, there's a story that might never get to be heard.

this is the reason why i include these topics in my writing. my hope is that it will help shed light on the tragic reality of so many beautiful souls around the world. therefore, if you or someone you love need support, i’ve linked some non-profit organizations and resources here:

rainbow railroad supports LGBTQI+ individuals around the world who are facing persecution, violence, or displacement because of their sexuality or gender identity. you can submit a confidential request for assistance, and they may be able to provide crisis support or help with relocation. the human dignity trust works with local lawyers and activists to challenge discriminatory laws around the world. giveout’s LGBTQI solidarity fund provides funding to LGBTQI+ organizations around the world. girls not brides is a global partnership of more than 1,400 civil society organizations working across nearly 100 countries to end forced child marriages. the freedom fund works with frontline organizations in an effort to end modern slavery in communities where trafficking and exploitation are prevalent. f.e.a.s.t.’s worldwide eating-disorder organization directory can help you find eating-disorder support organizations and services in your country. smart recovery international provides free recovery meetings online and in person, available in different countries, languages, and time zones. alcoholics anonymous worldwide can connect you with local a.a. services and meetings. for individuals who can't attend in person, online intergroup of alcoholics anonymous can help you find online meetings. if you're located in the united states and need immediate emotional support, call or text 988, or visit the 988 suicide & crisis lifeline to speak with a crisis counselor. you can also contact samhsa’s national helpline at 1-800-662-4357. for readers outside of the united states, find a helpline allows you to select your location and find verified phone, text, and chat services for depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, substance use, and other mental-health crises.

shane’s struggle with his identity is so dear to me and i really love exploring it in this fic. canonically we know he’s got some internalized homophobia too (which i really wish could have been explored more, but oh well) and it’s very cathartic for me to flesh that out through his constant regression (going from hating himself for wanting ilya, wanting ilya anyway, succumbing to his desire, pushing ilya away again, and then the loop starting all over) a lot of you guys have told me it drives you insane, which makes me happy in a totally non-evil way because that’s exactly what my intention is :-) the constant back and forth is…well, at least in my experience…extremely realistic, and i want to make you guys feel just as torn as shane. (again, in a totally non evil way. maybe.)

i do include a lot of other intentional things in this story, ala references and sprinkling in numbers from canon whenever i can, which many of you already know about, so i won’t bore you—however i will say that i do have one thing planned as a stylistic choice following certain events that will probablyyyyy not fare very well with you guys BUT it must be done. you’ll see why. anyway, consider this post to be vague foreshadowing as well as a warning so you can come back and yell at me later :)

<3

and yes i used the SOTR trailer song #whataboutit

~

"Listen," she began, sounding far more patient than Ilya had expected her to, especially after snapping at her. "I know that I don't know you, and I know that you don't know me, but—"

"You're right," Ilya interrupted, straightening to take a step toward her, narrowing his eyes even further, hoping she would finally get intimidated and leave. "You don't know me, so stop pretending like you give a damn about me and go back to your fiancée. He's probably wondering where you are."

Marina's mouth hung open slightly in surprise, and for a second, Ilya thought she was going to walk away, because she almost looked hurt by his words, but—

What she actually did took Ilya completely aback.

She took a step forward, closing the distance between them, and shoved him against the door, throwing out her arm to press it into his neck so firmly his breath caught.

"Let me tell you something One," she hissed, her niceties from a moment ago completely gone now. "I went to the academy just like you and Shane did, so don't think for a second that I'm just some helpless little girl you can bitch around however you please. I could take you down with my eyes closed if I really wanted to.  Don't piss me off."

Ilya gaped at her, stunned beyond words. 

He could easily shove her off of him of course—after all, she had nothing on him size-wise—but that would probably end up being a very bad idea, so he stayed still and tried to keep breathing, even though her arm was crushing his windpipe now.

He tried to tilt his head a moment later, beginning to feel as though he might pass out if she kept this up, but she didn't falter for a second. In fact, she tightened her hold in retaliation.

Damn.

She really was perfect for Hollander, after all. 

He had clearly underestimated her.

~

yup mhm mhm that's my girl!! we love strong female characters in this house, put him in his place babydoll

(pls ignore my chicken scratch lol)

1: i’ve never once suspected weird ai usage and you don’t need to worry or defend yourself to anyone ever.

2. thank you for sharing your brain with us. i think ur one of the most lovely people ive stumble upon in years lol

3. ur versions of our boys live in my heart and mind as deeply as the originals. you’re such a gift and thank you for sharing it with us.

4. i really GAH think ur lovely lol

not sure where this accusation is coming from, but here is the google docs version history from my hunger games fic. i do work in multiple documents since it’s over 1000 pages long to avoid google docs from crashing and i paste new chapters into the doc that contains the entire fic, which you’ll see by the dates there. these two version histories are just 2 docs out of like 4-5 ? i’m not entirely sure but i can do a more thorough check if you’d like.

i’ve also recorded screen recordings for every single one of my fics including an html search for each one, so feel free to dm me so i can send them to you since i can only put one video here/ the video is sped up since it was over 5 minutes long.

i've finally had the time to go back and read/edit my first fic (which i've been meaning to do for MONTHS, i'm as far as eight chapters in so far, yay progress!!) and, in all honesty, it's been such a mind-fuck to see how much my writing has changed. back in february i genuinely had no idea what i was doing or what my writing style was yet (which i now know is very long drawn out sentences #commawarrior #emdashwarrior) so visibly seeing the progress reminded me that even though it can be stressful sometimes, i really do love working on these stories and i never want that problem to ever go away (yes of course this is an HR reference)

its barely even been two weeks so is this slightly dramatic? yes probably but you all know i love that by now, so hopefully you find it endearing. that being said, i'll be back very soon! ;)))

(however, i've decided to forsake the idea of an update schedule entirely because it felt too much like giving myself homework and lord knows i have plenty of that awaiting me soon lol) 'basically i'm just going to write/ update whenever i feel inclined to :)

and i also want to add this little tidbit (this is referring to the fics i haven't updated in ~ a month or so now) i only ever write when i feel inspired or have a clear idea of what i want the chapter to be about. if i don't, i let the idea marinate in my head until i do. sometimes that takes a while. it doesn't mean the fic has been abandoned if i update one of my longfic WIPs more frequently than the other (anddd they're both at almost the same word count soooo i feel like there's plenty of material already. patience grasshoppers :)) it just means i want to be confident that I'm putting out a chapter i'm proud of and not rushed slop solely for the sake of updating

I am one of the readers of your Heated Rivalry x Hunger Games AU fic on Ao3 and I realised today, that you made your work private and that you decided to take a break from this fandom. I'm saddened because I am obsessed with your fic, but mental health ALWAYS COMES FIRST, so please please please take as much time as you need for yourself. Its no use to force yourself to write to the point it won't bring you joy anymore. I was really impressed by the amount of work you put into each chapter every time.

Take your time! I will be eagerly and patiently waiting for your comeback! 🫶🫶🫶

in all the gay aus ive read ive never seen homophobia accounted for like youre doing, but it makes so much sense for it to be an issue, especially in the career districts? like, in a society where the games are a punishment used to maintain order, it makes sense for there to be a huge emphasis on reproduction so that theres always a generation to continue that punishment, and i can see it being even more important to the career districts where they see the games as an honour - why wouldn't anyone want to have children to bring honour onto their family? not having children could maybe even be seen as an act of rebellion, refusing to partake in the government's punishment.

i think you kind of showed the contrast in the districts in that sense with the men from district 12 - in the bit you wrote, nobody was outwardly against these men in 12, and could that be because the outer districts, where dissent is more likely, they are more open to relationships that wont result in children and continue the games?? I think so. its just such an interesting angle to me!!

its also just so rare to see an au where the pairing isn't from the same district and it adds so much more opportunity for angst and miscommunication which I am so, so here for. and them being careers!! I can imagine this will make it harder for them to have support from their districts when they get brought into the rebellion which could have a really interesting effect.

not really sure if any of this makes constructive sense lol, but im just loving this fic more than anything <33 its making me realise I could never read a finnick book because ow, ilya???? but im living for the angst and am so excited to see where you take the fic <33

hiii, thank you so much for the kind words!! i really appreciate the message :)

yes, yes and YES to all of the above. this part in particular really hit the mark- "in a society where the games are a punishment used to maintain order, it makes sense for there to be a huge emphasis on reproduction so that theres always a generation to continue that punishment, and i can see it being even more important to the career districts where they see the games as an honour" kudos to you!! this is the very reason why i introduced the whole arranged marriage aspect into the fic (it's a headcanon i've always had about the careers so it's been really fun to play around with that here) you're also totally right about the people in 12, based off what suzanne collins does give us in canon about queer relationships in 12 it's safe to assume that the law (peacekeepers) is the biggest issue there rather than the district itself being homophobic.

that's definitely not the same case in the career districts, however, because of the expectations to marry well and have children so the reaping pool is full of "eligible" or "entertaining" prospects (i think i talked about this a little bit in chapter 2 when ilya's describing how marketable one's tributes are, as well as the homophobia he mentions in chapter 19, especially this quote "No one ever said the actual truth out loud, and that was the trick—because if no one named it, then it could remain something vague and shameful whispered behind hands at parties or muttered over dinner tables once the younger children had been sent out of the room.") which is going to be really interesting to work with when the rebellion begins (which you ALSO mentioned "I can imagine this will make it harder for them to have support from their districts when they get brought into the rebellion which could have a really interesting effect." ahhh I just love your mind!!!)

okay last tidbit before this veers off into a whole structural analysis lol, i'm really glad you're enjoying the fact that they're from different districts! shane has always screamed district 2 to me, though many people have said that it would make more sense for ilya to be from 2 since his most of his family is military/ police but i feel like shane being canonically so disciplined and constantly fighting for control in the form of his hockey skills, his training, his eating habits actually makes HIM the perfect fit. and from what we know about district 1 and 2 from canon i just can't picture ilya in any other district but 1, especially given the wealth, status, luxury and fancy parties that he canonically uses to numb his pain/ suppress his feelings. (andddd him being first in the draft pick/ shane being second may have also influenced my decision...what can i say, I love my easter eggs)