Absinthe & Cyanide

The other day I cried myself to sleep- and now I am just fine,

Tonight I've drunk 3 bottles as wine - it's fine.

Last night the man I adore made love to me and I cried afterwards and that's okay.

And nobody's there to help me, and nobody makes me better and nobody comforts me. And everybody else gets help and everybody else tells everybody how depressed they are and it's wonderful and it's romantic but what about those who don't think it'sbeautiful and who get ignored ? Where's our help? Who helps us when we're on our own?

"I haaaate how fat I am!" Said the 99lb girl every 5 minutes while posting bikini selfies.

Society "You're beautiful- stunning. And you have a thigh gap! And willowy face! And collar bones!"

Doctors "Um, you're probably unable to conceive, your pelvis is too small. And your BMI isn't high enough. Your bone density is deteriorating"

Guys "Skinny girls are the fittest. Imagine fucking that!"

"I'm curvy and I love it- bigger the better" Said the 200lb binge eater who sweats when she walks.

Society "You go girl! Who cares? You're all woman- curvy girls stand up for yourself!"

Doctors " This is really unhealthy- your heart is under an enormous amount of pressure. It's not natural and you will end up ill."

Guys: "Oh whoa! More cushion for the pushin' Look at that ass?!"

"I don't mind how I look, healthy body, healthy mind!" Said the 120/130/140/150lb girl.

Society " How to achieve that perfect body- try this new diet. Gym workouts for you at home! Cut down, detox. You really want to shift that last 15lb...you eat cake?!...tut tut."

Doctors " Well everything is perfectly fine here. Great- a healthy body"

And then we're told to admire all the fat girls of the world who have sass and a 'no bullshit' attitude.

Let’s talk depression- in terms of photographs. 1. The day before my 22nd birthday- Sunbathing with my best friend- smiling after drinking 2 bottles of wine in bed that morning to recover from the 2 I’d had the night before- before cutting myself and crying myself to sleep. 2 & 3. Realising that my inabilty to eat, rest or function made me lose weight- people would tell me “you look great!” Makeup hid the dark circles under my eyes, my periods stopped, my wrists took daily butchering and my hair was falling out. But I looked great so… 4. The day after I’d tried to… for the 2nd time that week- I met my newborn niece- hugged my mum for the 1st time in months. And I drunkenly sliced and cried myself to sleep. 5. The man I love told me he loved me- he fell asleep in my arms and I dozed off too- no tears, no blood and no alcohol. The start of recovery. 6. Fitter, still not happy, there are thick leathery patches on my wrists where I repeatedly hurt myself. My hair is recovering and I smile at least once a day- I swallow a pill everyday, remind myself that it’s okay to be numb and I still drink every day- wine lives under my bed. I started therapy 2 weeks ago. Baby steps. I’m on my way.

This may be controversial- but I will address it anyway.

We live in a society where if you're not perfect, pretty enough or desirable you're basically seen to be useless. Every girl aspires to be pretty. But even pretty has its downside. We talk too much about the shittiness of being ugly or 'not good enough'

Let's talk about the shittiness of being 'pretty'

I don't consider myself very beautiful at all- but others do- there is such a stigma surrounding beauty.

People assume you think you're superior, so treat you like you're inferior- "she's pretty, so she must be dumb." "You should be a model or something?! Why are you learning stuff?!" "Always has her head in a mirror, she should try a book sometime?!" "As if you would know anything about being bullied..."

Other girls think you're a threat, you're out to get whatever, whoever you can get your slimey bitch claws on...

Guys, girls, anybody believes you couldn't possibly conduct yourself appropriately- or hold morals, be faithful- "What?! You're a virgin??! How? You're really pretty- why wouldn't anybody want you?" As though being attractive has some power on your ability to open your legs or defines your sexuality...