Open Wide For Some Soccer

“I’m not playing anybody out of position.” -Jurgen Klinsmann, March 28 2016

With a do-or-die return match against THE MIGHTY GUATEMALA on the cards for tonight, US soccer fans have been whipped into a frenzy over the potential of missing their first world cup in eight cycles.

When soccer fans get nervous, they turn to potential lineups. But why use "potential" when we've found a psychic link to Jurgen Klinsmann's brain? Go on, get out of your comfort zone!

Behold, the KLINSYTRON 3000, our state of the art (for 1996) supercomputer housed in the Basement of Soccer. Visit that link to get an accurate, up to date lineup of what Klinsmann is considering at that very instant in time.

Get a lineup you love? One you think might actually work? Take a screenshot and share it on Twitter, with the hashtag #KLINSYTRON3000!

BASEMENT OF SOCCER, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA — It’s once again time for the worst inside joke in American soccer! MLS stopped arguing about who constitutes a "Latino" to celebrate the diversity of its roster as Jake Gleeson, Estrela, and 20 other athletes took home honors as the best from their respective countries, winning Open Wide For Some Soccer’s coveted 2015 Ludanto de la Jaro award.

The lundatoj again dominated voting. Each of the twenty-two countries that only have a single player representing them in MLS nominated that single player for the award. Each nominee again received 100% of the player vote, media vote, and club vote for their country's award.

"This award will help me control my uncontrollable anger at not winning Goalkeeper of the Year," griped David Ousted, the 2015 Danish Player Of The Year, as he mouthed the word "ROBLES" and gestured with his thumb across his neck.

"You guys are seriously still doing this joke awards show?" asked perplexed three-time Malian Player of the Year Bakary Soumare.

The show was not without controversy and technical difficulties. Upon being handed his award as Ivorian Player Of The Year, Didier Drogba applied his signature leg lock to event host Andrew Wiebe, before staring deeply into the frightened, child-like soul of every attendee.

In a lighter moment, Honoree Markus Halsti had a laugh when the in-room graphic inadvertently displayed a picture of fellow D.C. United teammate Chris Rolfe. "Come on. He shaved off his hair!" the Finnish Player of the Year was heard to chuckle.

Congrats to Markus and the twenty-one other winners of the 2015 MLS Ludantoj de la Jaro!

Angolan Player Of The Year: Estrela

Australian Player Of The Year: Andy Rose

Belgian Player Of The Year: Laurent Ciman

Danish Player Of The Year: David Ousted

Ecuadorian Player Of The Year: Joao Plata

Finnish Player Of The Year: Markus Halsti

Hunarian Player Of The Year: Krisztian Nemeth

Icelandic Player Of The Year: Kristinn Steindorsson

Ivorian Player Of The Year: Didier Drogba

Kittitian Player Of The Year: Atiba Harris

Liberian Player Of The Year: Darlington Nagbe

Malian Player Of The Year: Bakary Soumare

Morrocan Player Of The Year: Mehdi Ballouchy

New Zealand Player Of The Year: Jake Gleeson

Paraguayan Player Of The Year: Nelson Valdez

Romanian Player Of The Year: Razvan Cocis

Salvadoran Player Of The Year: Darwin Cerén

Scottish Player Of The Year: Calum Mallace

Senegalese Player Of The Year: Dominique Badji

South African Player Of The Year: Ethen Sampson

Ugandan Player Of The Year: Micheal Azira

When we dig into The Shue Box - named after former LA Galaxy attacker and Melrose Place heartthrob Andrew Shue, of course - we emerge with long-lost MLS gems. These are video clips or photos that most of you have probably long forgotten about. 

The OWFSS team, however, never forgets. In this week's installment, we've uncovered a clip of former New England Revolution goaltender (and current LA Galaxy 'keeper coach) Matt Reis. 

Down a goal deep into stoppage time of a 2013 encounter against D.C. United, the Revs were awarded a free kick 35 yards or so from goal. A sure-footed Lee Nguyen stepped over the ball, but was immediately called off by Reis, who walked 70 yards from his own goal to take a crack at it. Even Nguyen himself seemed shocked as Reis strolled his way, confidently raising his hand as if to say "I've got this, guys." 

The result was nothing short of spectacular, a choice find from The Shue Box

When tipped off to the existence of a new MLS-themed anthem by @the16thdoc on Twitter, we asked our friends at Pitchfork to review this slice of musical heaven.

7.9 / 10

Invoking the arena rock ethos of Gary Glitter, the southern stomp-rock mentality of The Black Keys, and even a little of the uplifting sporting camp of Queen's "We Will Rock You", newcomers Don't Kick The Baby has created a futbol sound that is both timeless and of its time. Their recently discovered 2012 treasure, Go Get The Goal – MLS, represents perhaps the pinnacle of the stadium anthem genre.

The album, one of six in Don't Kick The Baby's discography, follows in the footsteps of concept albums like Arcade Fire's "The Suburbs" and Genesis' 1980 opus "Duke". Here, 21 tracks lay the groundwork for the modern American soccer pastiche known as Major League Soccer, with each franchise receiving a nearly identical treatment. This repetition can only be an intentional artistic choice; it's unfathomable that anyone would record the same song 21 times with a slight lyric change in the middle. Instead, the use of the same hook, the same rhythm, and practically identical lyrics alludes to the routine grind of the modern athlete.

On the Chivas USA version of the song, I found lead singer Jody Whitesides' rallying cry during the bridge – "Plays for the fans today!" – moved me nearly to tears, lamenting the departure of the Goats and reminding us that there is no success without failure. But on the Portland Timbers version, I felt a surge of adrenaline, recalling the great fan displays of the Pacific Northwest's most vocal fanbase.

Other tracks miss the mark; the D.C. United incarnation of “Go, Get The Goal” lacks gusto when compared to Bad Brains’ seminal 2008 punk and go-go mash-up “D.C. United.” Indeed, one can’t help but measure the entire album up to the all of those 2008 MLS anthems, which featured notables like RJ2D, Mike Jones, The Polyphonic Spree and The Rapture. Four years after that release, “Go, Get The Goal” rings a bit hollow, feeling less like an innovative cash grab and more like a stale money snatch.

In the end, though, DKTB’s album stands as an innovative entry into the newly-formed genre of “repetirock,” a collection of nearly identical songs that build and swell to an eventual monotonous climax. By the time the closer comes along – the aptly titled “Vancouver Whitecaps” – we find ourselves heeding the call put out in the album itself:

We’re ramped up. From the breakaway, to the set play – let’s go get the goal.

After naming a 35-member provisional media roster to cover the upcoming CONCACAF Cup, the Open Wide For Some Soccer managerial staff took some time to answer some questions about the roster. 

What was the approach to putting this roster together?

OWFSS: Well we are now very excited about the upcoming opportunity to cover the CONCACAF Cup and we are confident we've put together the most positive group we could. This is now about proving a point that you can produce completely reasonable opinions with supporting facts and in the absence of those we will settle for frothing-at-the-mouth hot takes.

You said that you have been tracking Pablo Maurer for a while. What do you like about him as a prospect?

OWFSS: We've been following Pablo's photoshopping and it's clear that he's a real giver. He thinks not of himself but only of others in crafting works of art like Jason Kreis looking as though he wants nothing more than to return to the sweet serenity of Rio Tinto, or Long Tan shooting fire out of his backside and launching into space like a rocketship. At the same time we don’t look at him as a youngster coming in because he's 35 years old, so he needs to jump in the cold water and right away swim really fast.

Where are the biggest areas of competition on the team?

OWFSS: We see plenty of competition at the area of Spanish-language broadcaster. Obviously we see Matt Doyle as a very strong candidate because he's shown a strong ability to write words in English. We also view Shep Messing as an option as he shows very positive "OH BABY YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME" skills. Our message to the group is simple: we need to push English speakers into a Spanish-speaking role to get our squad out of their comfort zones. We want to see competition, and then we're going to make some tough calls.

Many people have been talking about media members that have been left off the squad. Can you explain some of these so-called "snubs"?

OWFSS: Our message to our media is always to push themselves to reach their highest potential possible. We were a bit concerned that Brian Sciaretta has been spending too much of his time following Americans in the Uzbekistani second division, so we made the difficult decision to leave him off the roster.

Kyle Martino has transferred to the Travel Channel and has been consuming huge amounts of bratwurst and beer while in Berlin. He’s just simply not in the shape right now to help us.

With regards to Paul Tenorio, we know that he has a wedding upcoming. After the wedding, a lot of journalists drop their levels 30, 40 percent when they came back from the honeymoon, so we need media members at their optimum fitness levels for this very important game.

With Franco Panizo, he had an allergic reaction last week to a hair product; we thought maybe we could push him a bit harder to get ready for the match but in the end we felt that we had other options that right now could contribute instead of him.

We communicated with Jon Arnold that we were not happy about his latest performances with us, maybe even in the last 14 months. If he wants to continue to be a part of our group he must show more passion for our domestic leagues and leave the Nicaraguan league to another journalist. 

Doug McIntyre was originally called up but picked up a hamstring injury at training during the team’s 27th full-field sprint. He has been sent back to Montreal for further evaluation.

Thomas Floyd earned his 11th call up on the back of his strong performance sighing mid-interview.

The Confederation of North, Central America and Caribbean Association Football (CONCACAF) released today the provisional 35-media member rosters submitted by the American Soccer Twitter Collective, for the upcoming CONCACAF Cup presented by Scotiabank.

This binding roster will serve as the foundation for the USA to choose its final 23-voice rosters to report on the CONCACAF Cup 2015, on October 10 at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California.

The CONCACAF Cup, pitting 2013 CONCACAF Gold Cup champion United States against 2015 Gold Cup champion Mexico, will determine the Confederation’s representative in the 2017 FIFA Confederations Cup, to be played in Russia.

"This provisional roster of people who can enthusiastically narrate late match collapses, write 3000 word think pieces about why Benny Feilhaber isn't on the field, and instantaneously tweet hot takes are our nation's best choices for creating media narratives before, during, and after the CONCACAF Cup," said ASTC caretaker manager Dan Dickinson. "It will be tough to narrow the field to just 23 media members who are allowed to throw shade during the match, so I expect everyone to step up for this monumental occasion."

Media Roster By Position

COMMENTATORS (10): John Strong (Fox Sports), Adrian Healey (ESPN), Jonathan Yardley (Unattached), JP Dellacamara (Unattached), Steve Cangiolosi (MSG), Taylor Twellman (ESPN), Alexi Lalas (Fox Sports), Ian Joy (YES/Fox Sports), Shep Messing (MSG), Brian Dunseth (Unattached)

SERIOUS JOURNALISTS (9): Grant Wahl (SI), Brian Straus (SI), Michael Lewis (Big Apple Soccer), Jeffrey Carlisle (ESPN FC), Ives Galarcep (Goal.com), Graham Parker (Guardian), Jonathan Tannenwald (Philly.com), Paul Carr (ESPN), Leander Schaerlaeckens (Unattached), Andrew Das (NY Times)

PUNDITS (16): Seth Vertelney (Goal.com), Pablo Maurer (DCist), Thomas Floyd (Goal.com), Jason Davis (Soccer Morning), Mark Fishkin (Seeing Red), Rob Stone (Fox Sports), Eric Wynalda (Fox Sports), Jeremiah Oshan (SBNation), Matt Doyle (MLSSoccer.com), Maxi Rodriguez (Where Is Soccer), Will Parchman (Top Drawer Soccer), Dave Martinez (Empire Of Soccer), Alicia Rodriguez (MLSSoccer.com), Charles Boehm (SoccerWire), George Quraishi (Howler)

ROSTER NOTES

Seven active podcasters were named to the roster: Galarcep, Vertelney, Maurer, Floyd, Davis, Fishkin, and Quraishi.

If selected, Matt Doyle will makes his 263rd consecutive appearance snarking at Jurgen Klinsmann.

If selected, Shep Messing has the opportunity to continue his streak of saying "Are you kidding me?" at some point for the 1,031st consecutive soccer broadcast.

Eric Wynalda is not expected to be available for Twitter coverage because he can’t stand Twitter.

Brian Straus earns his first call up since US Soccer issued a fatwah against him for his 2013 article decrying the state of the locker room.

This is the first time Alexi Lalas and Taylor Twellman have been named to the same roster since Lalas departed ESPN for Fox Sports. They will share responsibilities for Periscope coverage with Dave Martinez.

Three things missing from MLS this year: Steve Zakuani pre-roll ads, Chivas USA tarps, and narrative power rankings. The Open Wide For Some Soccer team brings you power rankings for the storylines, memes, and narratives that have been bouncing around Major League Soccer this week.

1. Don't Judge A DP By His First 30 Minutes

After a 30-minute-long debut that showed plenty of promise, Andrea Pirlo got his first start for NYCFC last weekend, and it wasn’t pretty. Pirlo led the game in giveaways; it’s almost like he’s never played shortstop before. Go figure.

And after waiting for over one calendar year, Frank Lapmard was available for NYCFC's home loss to Montreal. He jogged around slowly and looked pretty winded for nearly 60 minutes - and then was finally substituted on. The Narrative Power Rankings Kleptocracy is just glad we got a decent Anchorman tifo from the Hearts of Oak out of it.

2. Brotherly Love Headline Goes Here

Well done, MLS script writers! You got RBNY to sign the other Wright-Phillips brother, and then had his first game in Philadelphia, where he fed the game winner to his family member. Sports writers in the soccer bubble were coming up with puns three days prior to the match, and you did not let them down. Now can you get back to making sure Philadelphia goalkeeping jokes are still plentiful?

3. Cry Me A River In 4.5 Years

Brad Evans took to the media this week to get sad about the new CBA. "When we all look back at this CBA, it wasn’t what we wanted," he pouted, despite the fact that the Union went all-out for free agency and were happy with the ridiculous conditions that came with it. "But come four-and-a-half more years, we’re going to have to put our foot down," he groused, ignoring that the Union reps had very clearly blinked when they had the option to strike this year. "We’ve also got to be more aware of what we want and the tactics on how to get that. We’ll be more prepared next time around," he sighed, basically acknowledging that the Union utterly failed its membership.

4. Sans Penedo

Jamie Penedo leaves because of a contract dispute. We just feel bad for Cozmo. That crazy alien doesn't deserve more heartbreak.

5. Are You Not Entertained?

In a match that would best be described as “one for the soccer haters,” D.C. and RSL combined for 10 goals - and three verifiable golazos. We’re pretty sure Don Garber watches the highlights in a dark living room, slapping his naked chest and shouting "YEAH GARBS".

6. Shit Banter, m8

Seattle/Portland is the Drake/Meek Mill of MLS. Both are already popular, no one cares about them shit talking each other, and they could be doing a whole lot better than poop emojis. This never would’ve happened if Shane Evans was still alive.

7. #TFCursed

Leave it to TFC to get linked to a potential coaching change while they're sitting in a pretty good position to finally make the playoffs. You can take the locker room out of TFC, but you can't take the TFC out of the locker room.

8. Not One Santos But Two

Turns out the LA Galaxy’s Duck Tales-esque swimming pool of gold coins also has a few pesos in it. The long rumored signing of Mexican international Giovani Dos Santos became a reality this week, as the Galaxy secured their seventh -- or is it eighth -- DP? Oh well, I’m sure MLS will figure it out somehow.

9. The Drogfather Arrives, and Jack Mac Departs

After four years of linking him to effectively every team in MLS, Didier Drogba arrived in Montreal. But he only got there because Chicago pulled off a "sign and trade", which means that Chicago had - and then gave away - their first DP in ages that would've actually performed like a DP.

Then Montreal promptly sent Jack McInerney away to Columbus, which lead to a level of muffled snickering from the MLS press corps who recall his rather hasty departure from Philadelphia. Ask your friends. Maybe they know.

10. Waylay Your Kids

D.C. United announced this past week that they’ve officially partnered with Populous (the same firm that’s built nearly every other modern SSS in MLS) to design and construct their new stadium. They also released some new renderings that make the joint look a bit less like Sporting Park and a bit more like a glorified high school stadium.

It's the end of an era at Red Bull Arena, as Brian Tsao clears out his desk and leaves to head to NYCFC the NY Cosmos LAFC a private PR firm. Red Bull Arena will now have 40% less swag and 80% less trolling on game days. His final game, fittingly, will be tomorrow's conference semi-final match at RFK, a stadium that Brian has spent more time in than anyone ever should.

Welcome back to Happy Hour Interviews, where we take interviews from a variety of MLS personalities, slow them down just a touch, and give them a whole new context. (OWFSS reminds you to drink responsibility.)

Today, MLS announced that Chivas USA has been folded.

Chivas was many things, few of them good: a botched execution for expansion in a decade where it's generally gone smoothly, a blight on attendance, a PR nightmare, a running joke. But it was also a club with players, with a front office, and with a small but dedicated fan base.

A few weeks back, we noticed that the Chivas USA media guide included - without any real context - a team snapshot for every year of the club's existence. Multiple Disney shots. Shots outside and inside the Stubhub Center. One in a sand trap on a golf course. One on a beach with giant inflatable Corona bottles and ChivaFighter hanging out with some ladies. We've attached them all above.

Soccer in America is an odd business, and while Chivas USA shot itself in the foot enough times to require the gun to be reloaded, it's still part of MLS's history. It's still a club that tried, occasionally succeeding, often failing. But they endured for a decade. As Nelson Rodriguez wrote in his open letter to fans:

History will say many things about Chivas USA, but the one, undeniable truth will be that in every instance – no matter the circumstance, setting or outcome – our resiliency was supported by the indomitable spirit of our most loyal and proud fans.

It's been too long. The Open Wide For Some Soccer team brings you power rankings for the storylines, memes, and narratives that have been bouncing around Major League Soccer this week.

1: #TFCursed

October 29th, 2013: "Mark it down, write it down, film it … We're going to turn TFC around and we're going to make the playoffs next year.” - Tim Leiweke

October 18th, 2014: Toronto FC fails to qualify for the playoffs for the eighth consecutive year.

We’re sending you the bill for all these notebooks, pens, and film, Leiweke.

2: Garbergeddon

We don’t know what was worse: Garber calling an impromptu conference call just so he could pop off at Klinsmann, or Klinsmann’s “I’m sorry if anyone took my insults as insults” non-apology.

3: The End Of The Road

There’s nothing more damaging to the legend of Landon Donovan than finding out that his favorite band is Boyz II Men. Except a few years ago when he said his favorite band was The Fray. Toss-up, really.

4: This Is How The Soccer Media Sausage Gets Made

There’s been an extreme amount of hand-wringing over the Deadspin story today about Chris Bianchi getting fired after having an email fight with Tim Hinchey. Don't act surprised that there may be internal politics and in-fighting, just as there are at any job in the world.

We’re just left with one question, though: who the hell fights over email in 2014? Pick up the phone, or better yet take it to Twitter like regular people so everyone else can gawk and pile on.

5: Live By The Sak, Die By The Sak

Shorter Nick Sakiewicz: “It’s not my fault, it’s just the collective fault of all the guys I hired!”

6: Raul-tirement League

Raul's reported contract with the Cosmos is a fantastic sign of growth of soccer in America: after years of having only one retirement league, now we have two! You've made it, NASL!

7: It Takes Two (To Make Player Development Go Right)

Seattle’s “unprecedented” event of announcing a USL-PRO side, named Sounders FC 2, came just hours after the Portland Timbers announced a USL-PRO side, named Timbers 2. So add “a new definition for unprecedented” to the list of things Seattle has invented.

8: Go West

Dom Kinnear will finally return to San Jose. Because nothing says “exciting coaching change” like “coach who’s probably going to finish 8th in the East goes to team who’s probably going to finish last in the West”.

9: The Answer Is Still Agudel-no

Wolves cut Juan Agudelo loose, saying “match fitness was the key for him.” The Power Rankings Kleptocracy expects Agudelo will try and figure out which random European country he can buy land in to get match fit immediately.

10: Heineken Is Your New Official Beer Of MLS

We've seen a handful of people trying to point out the positives in the latest wasted season in Toronto, as they broke the team record for number of wins and points.

Only problem: the team has played four seasons that had 30 games. What happens when you normalize the seasons using PPG? #SadStats, that's what:

Toronto FC will finish with 1.29 PPG if they beat New England on the road, 1.24 if they tie them, or 1.21 if they lose. They cannot mathematically hit the 1.3 PPG mark set in 2009.