Overthinking In The Dark

the missing her seems to be getting worse,  every night a little emptier, when all i want is her body next to mine.

my mouth can still feel the ghost of yours, i want you here

i am so scared i'm not allowed to be happy

i am not used to being loved like this, loved at all, so forgive me when i doubt you are real

what if ... what if someone feels like home, and you're terrified it's all a lie

tired of being second best. being put aside, picked up, put down. repeat. waiting to be first choice, for someone.

i am fine while the sun is shining,  but when it's dark i remember the nightmares. i know what i want. and i know what i do not have. and my soul leaks bitterness.

i'm scared to sleep in my old bed with its old memories. what if i catch myself longing to be in your arms again

tonight i am in a lonely mood. i desperately want someone to put their hands all over me, grip me too hard, cup me, stroke me. possession making me too soft, too pliable, too in awe of her fingers

take me apart and put me back together, without this longing.

i got a message today from someone i used to know. and it got me thinking about you,  because i found you right after. and now all i want are your cuddles, i want to hear your voice, i want your cactus growing updates, and for you to send me stupidly cute videos of your cats. i wish you were still in my life, and i wish it didn't still hurt so much. the part where i'm missing you.

just existing was never my goal. where is my life and who do i fight to get it? tell me what bargains to make, what demons to appease, because i will not take this anymore.

if you want me, come and find me, and i may give you all i have. otherwise don't touch my soul, if i am just a stepping stone for you.

i want someone who will hold me close every night. to keep the cracks from growing. to keep me from falling apart. and i want to be the one to hold you.  i want to give you everything i've been holding in for so long. i want someone to deserve my love. i want your breath on my neck, your hands on my skin. i want to find your lips with mine. and most of all, i never want a reason to let you go.

after all this time, waiting. i am desperate, wanting someone want me. and i can't face another year holding onto an impossible dream, of holding myself together in the dark.