At Burger Emperor, we use only the choicest meat from farm-raised cows named Angus. We then flame-thrower broil each patty to give it that true backyard taste. And we use one whole Idaho potato per fry. Not to mention we’re the only burger chain with a chariot drive-thru. Because in the game of burger thrones, you win or you die…

We dream of a day when girl scouts no longer have to hit the streets to appease their cookie pimps. That’s why we created Thick Mints. Made with all-natural ingredients. And always sweatshop-free.

So long. We’ll miss your 800% markups; and your avoid-the-customer-like-the-plague staff; and your accusing greetings from the security guy; and your odd selection of sour candies and salty snacks in the checkout lanes, which are no doubt the difference between life and starvation for the poor souls trapped during Christmas rush. 

Meet the newest member of the Out of Biz team! Mikey Longbottom, Human Resources Supervisor

Move over Big Lots, there’s a new horribly depressing store in town. And it doesn’t take “no” for an answer. Or “I’m calling the cops.” Biggest Lots is so huge, we’re not exactly sure what we sell. But whatever you could possibly want, we've got it somewhere. Like eight-pound tubs of pork rinds for only $5.99, on aisle 70...ish. 

Gone are the wasted, pungent, kidnap-van-driving denizens of Waffle House. At Waffle Penthouse, our shitfaced clientele are a more seemly kind. Not to mention the waffles are made by illegal Belgian immigrants!  Open Mon.–Sun., 2 AM–5 AM.                 

Not only can Food Liger eat Food Lion and Food Tiger, our employees are bred to be faster and friendlier. It’s natural selection--with a larger selection and unbeatable prices.

Assistant Manager of the Month Tim Beckwith

At Dollar Tree, you can’t see the forest for the cheap crap. But here at Dollar Forest, you can’t see the cheap crap for the forest of great prices and friendly service. And unlike the competition, we use track lighting in lieu of fluorescent bulbs, which are guaranteed to cause soul cancer. 

Compared to Socrates, Plato was the village idiot. And he dressed like one, too. A motley of mismatched patterns and clashing colors, black socks with sandals, and neon fanny pouches. But hey, if you don’t want to dress smart, more power to you. That just means more hipster clothes for the rest of us. 

A hut won’t protect you when it’s cloudy with a chance of meatballs. Try pizza in a house that has a sturdy roof and four walls. And at Pizza House, the thin crust is so thin, you can’t even see it!

This was too easy. Best Buy brought Circuit City out to the desert, made them dig a hole, and then we hit them in the back of the head with the shovel.

6. Flavor Guy

Those who strive to be only super are super losers. At Super Duper Cuts, super doesn’t cut it. In fact, if we give you a super haircut, we’ll refund it. That’s the Super Duper Cuts guarantee.