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topper wished he could say the same. he wanted to love you. he cared about you deeply, but a part of his heart still belonged to sarah. he tried so hard to forget about her, to will himself to let go of the memories, and let you in. you’d managed to temporarily fill the void of loneliness in his heart, but he knew he could never fully be yours until he allowed himself to move on.

you’d been friends with topper and sarah for as long as you could remember. the three of you were known as the golden trio of figure eight, all coming from notorious, rich families and growing up together. you three were inseparable, that is, until your two best friends started dating. not much changed at first, they just hung out a few times without you - which didn’t bother you. that’s what you wanted them to think, at least.

the truth was, you’d had a thing for topper ever since the 7th grade. but you never admit it to him, too scared to ruin the good dynamic you had going with the trio. it didn’t matter though, because only a short year later he was gushing to you about how pretty he thought sarah was. it hurt at first, but you cared more about your friends than some petty crush, so you bottled it up and forced yourself to be happy for them.

slowly but surely,  you were pushed away. you knew it wasn’t intentional, they wanted their privacy. you had other friends anyways, and you didn’t mind spending time with them. you and sarah still talked (and she kept you updated on all things topper), but he didn’t make an effort to be friends with you anymore, so you stopped trying too. it was hard, but it was probably for the best; crushing on your best friend’s boyfriend wasn’t cool.

and then she cheated on him, with a pogue of all people. typically you didn’t care for the rivalry between the two sides, but sarah knew how much topper and john b hated each other. she’d picked debatably the worst person in the entirety of the obx to cheat on him with, save for maybe jj. you wanted to reach out to topper, to check up; but he didn’t want you around. so you decided it best to keep to yourself.

that was, until he showed up on your doorstep in the middle of the night, absolutely broken.

your gaze moved to the door upon hearing a knock, glancing at the clock that read 3am. “what the fuck?” you mumbled, rubbing your tired eyes. you shuffled to the door, pulling it open and gasping at the sight in front of you. there stood the boy you (still) loved, eyes red and tears slipping down his cheeks.

“what did i do wrong?” topper’s voice cracked, the pouring rain behind him nearly drowning out the sobs that followed. his clothes were soaked through completely, and you realized he probably walked over - he only lived about a block away, but that was far enough in this weather. you could see him visibly shaking.

you didn’t reply, instead grabbing his hand and quickly pulling him inside. your heart broke at the sight of him. you didn’t know what to say, so you instead wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him into your embrace. he was quick to reciprocate, clinging desperately to your body and burying his head in the crook of your neck. his clothes soaked through yours and his tears stained your top, but you didn’t care in the slightest. your focus was solely on the broken boy you held in your arms.

you two stood there until his sobs turned to sniffles. you slowly pulled away, smiling sadly at him. “let’s get you warmed up.” you whispered, and he nodded wordlessly. your parents weren’t home, but you were worried about how vulnerable he was in his current state. you opted for a softer approach, as to not further upset him. you guided him to sit in front of the previously lit fireplace, assuring him you’d be right back. you quickly grabbed a towel, turning on the kettle on your way back.

you told him to remove his dripping shirt, and he did so, blankly staring into the fire. you kneeled in front of him, gently pulling the towel around his shoulders. still seeing his shivers, you searched for a blanket. you brought it over to him, wrapping it overtop of his towel and leaving to make him some hot chocolate.

you sat with him quietly as he sipped at his drink, and though his tears had long since ceased, his eyes were red and puffy; a sure giveaway he had been crying. as you waited for him to speak on his own, you couldn’t help but wonder. why had he come to you? he’d shut you out, and now was running to you crying. he had his own friends he could’ve gone to, but he’d chosen you.

the silence was not awkward, but it was not particularly comfortable either. finally, he turned to look you in the eyes, searching your face before sighing deeply and speaking up. “i’m sorry for barging in, it’s just.. i had nowhere else to go.”

you couldn’t help your curiosity, and decided to be direct with him. “why did you come here, topper? why come see me? why didn’t you go to rafe, or kelce?” you questioned softly, and he scoffed, shaking his head.

“you think either of them are going to listen? they don’t care about anything or anyone but themselves.” he spat, and you bit your lip, nodding along thoughtfully. he wasn’t wrong, you’d always known them to be assholes, but you knew it wasn’t the time to start up that conversation. it wasn’t about them. “besides..” he started, pulling your full attention. he wasn’t looking at you, but straight into the flames before him. “i missed you.” he muttered, and though you wish it didn’t, your heart sped up at his words.

“i’ll always be here for you, top.” you whispered and shifted closer to him, leaning your head on his shoulder. he sighed, leaning his head on top of yours, wrapping his arm around you and pulling you into him.

you were silent then, just enjoying each other's presence. “i don’t deserve you.” he muttered, moving and placing a kiss on your forehead. he only realized his actions when you tensed slightly, and he pulled back, analysing your expression. the flickering of the fire illuminated your face, showing him the light shade of pink that had crept up your cheeks. you felt his stare, but didn’t dare meet his gaze. you didn’t trust yourself to.

he reached out, gently grabbing your chin and turning you to face him. he leaned closer to you, and because of your proximity, he felt your heartbeat speed up. you swallowed hard, glancing up to meet his eyes, only to see they were fixated on your lips. “can i kiss you?” he whispered, already slowly leaning in. you only nodded, and he closed the distance between you, capturing your lips in a perfect kiss.

dating topper was better than you ever could’ve imagined. after that night, you and him had practically become inseparable, and were rarely seen without the other. your friendship had been rekindled, only now you exchanged kisses in between conversations and you shared a much more intimate bond. you were madly in love with him, and were sure he felt the same.

he did not, however. and he was drowning in guilt because of it.

he knew all too well how you felt about him, and he couldn’t bear the thought of hurting you after so many years of friendship. he looked down at your sleeping frame tucked tightly against him and sighed. he knew he had to break it off with you. selfishly, he felt like he couldn’t bear to lose you, especially not with sarah potentially being dead. you had been each other's safety, spending many nights comforting the other. but he had already let your relationship go on long enough. it was killing him.

“y/n.” he whispered, and you stirred, groaning. he fidgeted nervously, reminding himself he had to do this. otherwise he was afraid he would back out like the coward he was known to be. he had to do this for you. “y/n.” he said more sternly, and you finally untangled your body from his, sitting up and rubbing your tired eyes.

“what is it, top?” you mumbled, trying to blink away the exhaustion weighing down your eyelids. one look at him and you could immediately tell something was wrong, based solely on the underlying emotion hidden in his eyes. you sat up straighter, worry settling in. “is everything alright?”

topper wanted to burst in tears at that moment. you knew him so well. too well. “there’s, um, something we need to talk about.” he stuttered, and you sat silently, playing with your fingers nervously, nodding slowly and edging him to continue. “i think we need to take a break.”

you felt your heart shatter right then and there, your mouth falling open into an ‘o’ shape. you looked at the floor of the boat, scooting further away from the boy you loved so much. suddenly the gentle rocking of the boat made your stomach turn and you felt nauseous. “what? why?” you managed, trying to keep your voice steady and failing miserably.

topper bit his lip, looking away and squeezing his eyes shut. this was so much harder than he thought it would be. “y/n, it’s better you don’t-” he tried, but you weren’t having it.

“you can’t say we need to take a break and not tell me why, topper!” you were crying now, and barely managed words between your sniffling. you didn’t so much as care right now, the pounding in your chest had you feeling like you might pass out.

he took a moment, and looked in the opposing direction from you. he couldn’t look you in the eyes. “i still love her.” he whispered, his voice broken. you blinked a few times, his words slowly sinking in.

he still loved sarah.

you sat there, processing everything. you stood up abruptly, gripping onto the edge of the boat like a lifeline as a feeling of lightheadedness washed over you. “sarah’s dead, topper.” you said dangerously calm. You felt a wave over anger and a whole other heartbreak wash over you  at your own words and broke, screaming. “she’s fucking dead!”

“don’t you think i know that, y/n?” he shouted, making you flinch and cry harder. “don’t you think i tried to move on, to forget about her? i did! i did for you - i want to love you, and only you!” you turned your back to him then, beginning collecting your things from the ground. although you didn’t want to, you listened intently, knowing you’d regret it later if you didn’t know his full reasoning behind your split.

“but i can’t just forget about her. i tried so hard, y/n. and i can’t keep doing this to you. it hurts me to know i’m lying to you, that i’m not giving you what you deserve. i want this to work. god, i fucking need you. but it’s not fair of me to ask you to love me when i’m still in love with someone else.” he finished his speech, watching you closely. your eyes were trained on the small bag you were packing up, but you clung to every word.

you swung the closed bag over your shoulder, finally facing him. he stood a good distance in front of you, and it was only then that you noticed he was crying too. “okay.” you whispered, swallowing hard.

“okay?” he questioned, and you nodded. you moved forward, kissing his cheek and caressing it after, looking deep into his eyes, one last time.

you forced yourself to pull away, trying to ease the pain you felt as much as you could. you skillfully jumped off his boat, stopping on the dock and turning to face him one last time. “goodbye, topper.”

he watched as you walked away, furiously wiping away your tears. his heart felt like it had been ripped out all over again, but he was sure it was for the best. for your sake. “goodbye, y/n.” he muttered, though you were long since out of hearing range. his being was already filled with a sense of longing, begging for him to run after you. to take it all back. but he couldn’t.

jj maybank

✰ runaway kook - y/n isn’t a fan of the kook life, and a certain pogue comes to her rescue. (2.3k)

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john b routledge

kiara carrera

pope heyward

sarah cameron

topper thornton

✰ for you - y/n’s longtime crush finally likes her back, or so she thought.