Our Great Leaders

Ministers lead call to revive ancient anthem - "Gau hamari mata hai, humko kuch nahi aata hai!"

BJP MP Sakshi Maharaj took out time from his family planning lecture tour, also available on YouTube and Whatsapp, to reiterate that his mother is a cow. Upon hearing laughter, he clarified his statement to mean - all cows are literally his mother. He used the word 'literally' literally, soothing the hearts of grammar nazis while enticing the curiosity of biologists.

Despite not being asked anything, Sakshi Maharaj said that he was ready to "kill and get killed" to protect his mother-cows. The MP asked people to not politicize the issue, after politicizing the issue and accusing the other party.

Cows around the state are thrilled to hear the words of Sakshi Maharaj. The man is said to be a hero among these gentle beasts, who hold fan-club meetings in the fields, munching on grass for hours, while thinking fondly about Sakshi Maharaj.

To stop the BJP MP from stealing all the goodwill on this issue, another BJP MP Yogi Adityanath has promised guns to Hindus fighting against authorities in the area. Unfortunately his attempt was stopped by the authorities before they could enter the village.

Samajwadi Party blamed the lynching on a BJP conspiracy to spread hate.

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Sakshi Maharaj vows to defend cows by killing people.

Yogi Adityanath promises “tan, man, dhan, gun” to Hindu villagers.

Home Minister Rajnath Singh defended the Indian government’s decision to discuss matters of national security, education and defence with the RSS, a famously social organization.

“We (him and Modi) are RSS swayamsevaks (workers),” said Rajnath Singh. “But they don’t tell us what to do,” he also said, raising questions about the kind of sloppy work culture practiced at the organization. 

While critics panned the Home Minister for his after-school detention at the meet, supporters hailed his poetic ambiguity, a nod to the previous age of BJP leaders.

While social media busied itself with clever jokes about the Porn Ban, the Modi government took a crucial step towards ending eve-teasing ... of government officials and ministers.

Eager to stomp down on any mindless aping of western personalities such as Edward Snowden, the government approved several restrictions on the Whistleblower's Protection Act. The Amendment Bill now lies before Parliament in this wonderful monsoon session.

The gist of the amendment bill seeks to guarantee safety to ministers and government officials, who feel threatened in the streets of New Delhi.

SUPERHERO CM SOLVES SCAM BEFORE CBI

Hon’ble CM of Madhya Pradesh Shri Shivraj Singh Chouhan solved the Vyapam Scam, which has caused the deaths of over 50 people since being exposed, in characteristically modest fashion.

He named the scam as a ‘Congress propaganda’ and said the deaths of key witnesses were both completely natural as well as completely coincidental, thus solving the case even before the CBI could look into matters. After this landmark declaration, the CBI has decided to disband itself and find other jobs to do.

The Hon’ble CM, who battles scams at night wearing a saffron cape, also firmly took credit for initiating the CBI investigation, after a mere two months of constant outcry by social media and undeterred activists, rising death toll, and urgent calls from BJP Party HQ. 

Shanta Kumar, senior BJP veteran, had written to the CM declaring that the spectre of such a scam over the heads of BJP ministers was saddening. In reply, the party expressed that what was really saddening was that Shanta Kumar too had “fallen prey to Congress propaganda”. Shanta Kumar is presumably dealing with this burn.

Hon'ble CM of Madhya Pradesh Shri Shivraj Singh Chouhan, seen here in a file photo, smiling in happier times.

Maintaining his cheerful demeanour, he ignored outcries for a CBI investigation into the Vyapam Scam until July 7th, when he received a call from party headquarters and party head Amit Shah, a veteran of unfortunate situations where innocent people in power have been brutally harassed by the deaths of multiple people just randomly without reason.

Over 50 people have mysteriously died under blameless and completely random circumstances over this scam that isn’t even a scam, where nobody is guilty and everything is awesome.

Meanwhile, the primary whistleblower of the Vyapam Scam has been transferred out of Indore.

With unreasonable demands, such as police protection for witnesses and accusers, flying left and center (not right, NEVER right), the BJP central government is responding to rising social media criticism with characteristic aplomb and dignity -

Senior BJP Minister refuses to let party morale by affected by unexplained, daily deaths of witnesses.

Pro-active efforts have been taken to punch, shove and push Opposition ministers in the State Assembly, to stop them from talking about scams and stuff all the time.

Parliamentary Affairs Minister M Venkaiah Naidu refuses to let anyone “dictate terms to the government” on matters such as dealing with corruption, not letting innocent people die every day, not destroying the trust that a billion people put in their hands etc etc.

The news of the jailing of ex-actress and CM Jayalalitha (seen in this file photo tearfully confirming how many pairs of shoes she will own in prison), for failing to declare her disproportionate assets, has shocked item girls and starlets across the nation. Wondering if any actress is safe in these dark days, it has sparked off a rush to reveal all assets immediately. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Imgur and lotion companies wait breathlessly for the avalanche to begin.

Well, so we would wish.

The significantly less arousing truth, exciting in other ways, is that a corrupt Indian politician has actually gone behind bars despite being at the height of her power.

Rahul Gandhi, pleased at Mangalyaan's escape velocity, contemplates giving a speech on Mars.

Attendance numbers at Rahul Gandhi's rallies have fallen, prompting the PM-aspirant-who-doesn't-really-want-it-but-what-can-he-do-if-the-nation-needs-him to seek fresh extra-terrestrial votebanks.

Martians' ignorance of Bollywood should further help Rahul's cause, as he impresses them with the 80s' Bollywood-script he has been using instead of a speech these days.

Akali Dai - BJP announced Sunny Deol as their MP candidate for Ludhiana, in the next elections, the seat currently held by Manish Tiwari, Union Minister of Information & Broadcasting.

Manish Tiwari is presumably trying to come up with a statement.

Shri Rahul Gandhi, beard-hair-apparent, has started shooting his debut film - scripted, auditioned, casting-couched, acted, directed, edited, cam-ripped, illegally downloaded, entirely by him.

In this movie, Rahul Gautama, an angry, young prince who has seen too much suffering from inside his air-conditioned Scorpio, feels that he must break the shackles of humanity and free them from their pain. He decides that, for the good of his people, he must rid them of all their worldly possessions and store them safely somewhere else. In Switzerland. And Lichtenstein.

Meanwhile, everyone should find a tree and sit down.

Unfortunately, the movie is not doing very well, primarily because a sexually-repressed, conservative population has only so many fucks to give.

With a cliched 90s storyline, it tries to be Sabse Bada Khiladi, but comes off as Baazigar, except no one fell for the contact lens deception this time. And we're getting kinda tired of your shit, Vicky Malhotra.

Shri Narendra Modi Riotborn of House BJP, the Khal of Gujarat, video-conferenced his well-practiced speech - about how everything the UPA has done is wrong - leaving all attendees, at a Mumbai event, in a state of awe and sheer disbelief at his high-speed internet plan.

Members were left amazed at the ridiculous bandwidth and high data capacity of Modi's internet connection, as he went on to blame the UPA for "piling their sinful mistakes on the people of the country".

He declared that he would bail out the economy, giving out such gems of economic advice - "We need to cut out imports ... our exports must go up...". He vowed to not rest until the Iron Gaddi was his, and to cast away the evil of King Joffrey Gandhi and his mother, the Queen Regent.

Vice President of the Congress Party Shri Rahul Gandhi took the bull by the horns in the middle of a UPA press conference, this Friday. Addressing the ordinance recently passed to protect convicted lawmakers, he said that the ordinance was "complete nonsense", which should be "torn up and thrown away".

His words have left many people surprised and confused, since this particular bull is his own government's bull, whom the royal family and Manmohan Singh have been feeding generously for a long time.

The bull was not immediately available for comment. Rahul Gandhi, meanwhile, was.

He proceeded to extract shit from the bull, smirking only slightly while saying he had to return soon to "work", and only wished to take the opportunity and express his personal opinion. And then he departed amidst a chorus of camera flashes and reporters screaming - "Rahul! Rahul!" - louder than Kajol in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.

PM Manmohan Singh is currently on an official visit to the USA, leaving behind a large vacuum in the way of firm responsibility and confident decision-making in the PM's Office. (Incidentally, this vacuum exists even when the PM is actually in his office. He doesn't know what to do. Any solutions? Kleenex?)

Either taking this personal attack very nobly, or perhaps not understanding what exactly happened, octogenarian PM Manmohan Singh has said that the matter will be addressed when he returns and can we please hang up and not finish all his international minutes.

CM of Uttar Pradesh Shri Akhilesh Yadav today earned the unique distinction of making Mayawati look like a good CM. Where others have tried and failed - even Mamata di with her MS Paint approach to government - Akhilesh Yadav has persevered and succeeded.

Mayawati's government kept the arts alive by generously funding the sculpture business, simultaneously wooing birds from around the country by offering them hundreds upon hundreds of statues to shit on, Mayawati's government regularly highlighted the power of success - holding big birthday parties where she would wave to onlookers from inside a garland of rupee notes snatched from the hands of helpless UPites - giving people false hope and ambition for their own futures.

But Akhilesh's government has gone beyond the call of duty, taking away all the power from the people. Literally. I could harp on and on about his other achievements - setting free famed bhaiyyas so that people feel like they have close family in places of power, responding within minutes (41, to be precise) to emergencies such as the firing of IAS officers - but that would be digression.

It is his unwavering dedication towards communal riots, of which we haven't had a good one in a while, that has taken him head and shoulders above the achievements of the Mayawati government.

His accusations of a political conspiracy behind the riots display his agility, speed and solid strength in defense, a natural athlete at India's most-loved sport, the political blame-game. Like a true engineer, he knows how to copy and paste, on this occasion borrowing from the recent works of Mamata di. 

What he does next will define his legacy. Will he go down as one of the most insincere CMs of all time - openly corrupt, insensitive to issues of national importance, ignorant to the calls of basic humanity, unconcerned with the people's demands for at least a couple of statues here and there now and then?

Prime Minister Shri Manmohan Singh reacts to being condemned and mocked on social media for his silence, by saying that Rahul Gandhi is the ideal choice for the PM's post.