“you touch my baked beans, i put dog shit in your pillowcase.”
“every other person in this miserable place is literal garbage.”
“books on tape? what’s the appeal of that? don’t the pages get stuck together?”
“when in doubt use a confusing acronym. military types love acronyms.”
“FML. that stands for fu–”
“i’ll bend down and kiss your boots, how’s that?”
“i wanna know every step you take and how much shit gets stuck on your shoes and in-between your teeth.”
“you know, i think i’ll probably move to LA, but that’s like what everyone does. i mean, what do you think?”
“i’m gonna skin your cat for this.”
“i’m actually thinking of adopting a stage name.”
“i’m gonna smash cut your empty skull against that rock if you don’t shut the fuck up!”
“i wanted to call it desert titties, but that shit was taken.”
“ah, there goes the bechdel test.”
“you should interview the illuminati!”
“real talk here: i’ll be your genie in a bottle, i’ll do whatever you want, but after i grant you your three wishes, you gotta do something for me, whaddaya say?”
“my ceaseless existence is an eternal torment!”
“next time he calls you please, just, let it go to voicemail. don’t transfer to me. okay?”
“i can’t even hear myself think in this blizzard of idiocy!”
“did you attempt to witness any other particular individuals in the general vicinity of the area in which the crime scene was alleged?”
“i just wanna be included!”
“funny, the vultures usually show up after the slaughter.”
“you’re a little bit crazy, aren’t you? i like that.”
“consequences… don’t always take the shape we expect them to, do they? they’re funny like that.”
“…are we still married?”
“people are quick to jump to conclusions. they see something, or hear something, and fit it into a preconceived emotional box.”
“please don’t make me regret what i’m about to tell you.”
“whoa, hold up–i just realized how much i don’t care.”
“SUCK IT, NEWTON!”
“we said we wouldn’t talk about that!”
“help me be the best at being lazy.”
“it was a simple mishap with my vanilla-satin scented candles!”
“why is he naked?”
“HOW DO YOU BURN DOWN A WATER PARK, ___?!”
“we’re definitely not just saying that because she could kill us.”
“for far too long our people have been oppressed, crushed, under the weight of ourselves! if we don’t start standing up to our mortal foe gravity, by god, who will?”
“we’ve never needed intelligence before!”
“why doesn’t anybody die and stay dead?”
“oh, cool! foreshadowing.”
“who wants a poisoned pumpkin frappuccino?”
“i quit. i’m not going. i’m staying here.”
“you’ve always been selfish, but this is bullshit!”
“you know, i liked them better when they were funny.”
“it’s a bop-it.”
“sleep. means. death!”
“i know ___ said we should split up, but i was thinking maybe we split up together, you know, because it’s scary!”
“you talk about ___ a lot.”
“this is a big city. so many places for snakes to hide. they could be everywhere all around us. watching us… licking their snake lips…”
“jesus, doesn’t anybody speak esperanto?”
“err is not a word.”
“why do you look alone?”
“why don’t you tell us what’s going on, and we can decide whether to kill you or not?”
“looks like we’ve got quite the sticky mess on our hands!”
“oh, i know all about sausage parties! uh, wait, that came out wrong.”
“when I least expect it: whambo! you pry open my mind prison and suck out my brain beans!”
“i realize now that i’ve just spilled all my brain beans.”
“we’re just a bunch of dumb rejects hurling ourselves against impossible odds.”
“i’m only saying something because i’ve been used enough times in my life already.”
“nice! super awesome of you guys! that was sarcastic.”
“don’t care. just help me with my dramatic exit.”
“that’s a great idea! i was just about to suggest it.”
“i always say a marine without a code is like a car without a road.”
“i always say the best defense is a really tall fence.”
“i always say a good soldier is like a rollin’ boulder.”
“i always say a mantra a day keeps death at bay.”
“i’ve grown soft around these uncultured philistines.”
“goddamn, i can’t believe i have to hear this shit in stereo now.”
“you two look cozy.”
“i didn’t realize you two were close.”
“you’re being too hard on yourself. you’ve changed over the years, i’ve seen it myself.”
“i’ve grown from being a dishonorable killing machine to an honorable killing machine. that’s quite the journey.”
“i changed my mind. you are evil.”
“you don’t have to destroy the past to have a future.”
“strategizing can wait until breakfast, at least.”
“i killed them. i MURDERED them. i set my vengeance free upon them and it felt so good!”
“are we gonna do some snooping around?”
“have you ever considered a life in showbusiness?”
“try harder, fuckface!”
“can we please just bury the hatchet and focus on what’s important?”
“your mother’s lasagna is mediocre!”
“if you guys had to get shot somewhere in your body, where would you do it?”
“i can’t hear you because some idiot shot my ear off!”
“this whole situation is garbage enough to begin with, but… at least we’re in it together.”
“no plan survives first contact with the enemy.”
“the only thing that would make this better is some music.”
“we were pawns in their game. but the thing that I love about chess is that sometimes pawns kill kings.”
“no, actually, i was raised by wolves. in the forest.”
“sometimes i feel like people barely acknowledge my presence.”
“something weird might be going on around here.”
“anyone who’s acting that squeaky clean must have some deep dark secrets.”
“ha! gotcha! that’s exactly the kind of things bad guys say!”
“they used us, they destroyed our lives, and they haven’t been made to pay for what they’ve done.”
“you obviously love the sound of your own voice, so why don’t you use it to tell its where the fuck our friends are?”
“i’m going to kill you so hard, you’ll wish you were dead.”
“we fought alongside each other for fucking years. how can you just turn your backs on us like this?”
“you don’t get to give orders if you’re on the bad guys’ side!”
“now I have gonorrhea and a dead friend.”
“stop. touching. my face.”
“buckets! oodles! oodles of noodles and toaster strudels! tiempo de mucho. mucho de tiempo!“
“yeah, well, i don’t remember you being anything but a huge dick, but here you are being cool, so people change.”
“yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers!”
“but.. i never got to say goodbye. or thank you for being my friend.”
“i’m gonna need a week at the chiropractor when we get out of here.”
“is it possible to hallucinate with your ears?”
“i’m not here to kill you.”
“uh-oh spaghetti-o’s.”
“fuck me! fuck all of this!”
“you should totally kill me if it strikes your fancy! no pressure!”
“the world’s best swordsman doesn’t fear the second best. He fears the worst, because he can’t predict what the idiot will do.”
“i can’t imagine us doing anything but making this all worse.”
“shit, dude! you’re the best we’ve got!”
“i like pushing small children down wells.”
“can we please settle on a consistent denomination? are we using cardinal directions or are we using clock positions?”
“i’m so sneaky. they don’t even know what’s happening. you can’t even see me right now, ___. you’re so confused.”
“shut up and help me punch this fucking tank!”
“as far as days to die go, it’s a little overcast. so let’s check our corners and make these bastards pay!”
“let’s light the fires and kick the tires!”
“let’s dance with these monkeys and give ‘em what for!”
“let’s put the pedal to the metal and the rubber to the road!”
“let’s get jiggy with it!”
“let’s shoot this monkey full of heroin and put it on youtube! actually, let’s not do that, it sounds completely horrible.”
“let’s teach these midgets how to tango!”
“honor, schmonor.”
“scout’s honor! except I was never a scout because I’m afraid of badges.”
“why are we here?”
“we don’t know why we’re here. it’s still one of life’s great mysteries, isn’t it?”
“i’m sorry i tried to kill you, it wasn’t personal!”
“you’ll be stuck between a rock and the frying pan.”
“if i said that i would weep for them, would it make you feel any better?”
“best friends should be able to say goodbye.”
“i think you are cool. like, super awesome, amazing, cool and… i, i always felt like really awesome too, when we were hanging out together.”
“i know with my other friends–who, even if you add them all up together aren’t really cool as you–i know we’re all gonna be okay.”
“if you kill me, you’ll just perpetuate this never-ending cycle of revenge and retaliation!”
“he asked us to deliver an important message to you all. but then he just sang the ducktales theme song and fell back to sleep.”
“you know i’ll never forget this, right? i mean, PTSD is forever, isn’t it?”
“it’s not the sum of your parts that makes you who you are.”
“these people have shown me that real heroes are not born, they’re forged. a friend told me once that there’s no fate but what you make. and i think he’s right.”
“alright, well, i’m just gonna try to forget that ever happened and never bring it up again.”
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
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