what a world for a one finned goldfish

about me

name: oswald // pronouns: she/they // age: 28 // autistic & adhd

active fandoms: marvel (mcu), doctor who, resident alien

favourite characters: loki, sylvie, nebula, agatha harkness, wanda maximoff, kate bishop, yelena belova, moon knight, tasm!peter parker, clara oswald, the master (dhawan & missy), the doctor (fave is 12), harry vanderspiegle

favourite song of all time: take on me - a-ha

other general info: i’m autistic, have been a tumblr user since the golden days - yes i lived through superwholock lmao. love comedies (rom-coms are a guilty pleasure). favourite marvel film is, ofc, thor ragnarok (comfort film). been a loki stan since 2012/2013. favourite sit-coms have to be superstore, the office us and modern family. studied media analysis.

why is my blog called ‘what a world for a one finned goldfish’?: it’s a reference to gus from moon knight, steven’s one-finned goldfish, but also that in a way I feel like a one-finned goldfish in this weird, scary world made for neurotypicals lol.

what is my blog?: a mess lmao. i mostly come on here to reblog, stare at gifs for hours, appreciate peoples writing, fangirl and occasionally write or make stupid text posts and art.

polite asks and disclaimers

- this blog is a safe space. dni if you’re a bigot (ableist, homophobic, transphobic, racist… you get the idea, it is not welcome here.)

- no fandom drama (by drama i mean no ship wars or ‘which loki is the best loki?’), i frankly do not care nor wish to argue with strangers on the internet! personally, i think the whole thing is silly. but go off besties, just not on my posts please! be respectful. lokius & sylki shippers welcome, just be kind. i am a multi-shipper. I’m within my right to block whoever I wish for whatever reasons I have, just like everyone else. it’s about curating my online experience.

- i’m open to discussion and conversation, not arguments, especially when it comes to certain characters or media or whatever. it’s okay that we have different opinions. it’s okay that you may not like something and i do. i promise, it is okay.

- please do not repost without permission or feed my work to ai - as in, copy and paste… or “steal” if you will. if you are inspired by my work, credit me. that’s all i ask.

- let’s all be kind to one another.

Loki is also a character that famously wears masks, who casts illusions to try and hide his vulnerabilities and weaknesses. I’d also argue that Loki mirrors and takes pieces of others around him and incorporates it into these masks — Odin and Thanos are the most prominent two figures he has tried to emulate. Of course, autistic individuals also mask. Both forms of masking comes from a similar, if not the same, place…

Trauma, acceptance and survival.

Loki struggles with his identity and his sense of self. He seems to adapt and shift to his surroundings and those who occupy it, which is something that can arguably make it difficult for a person to know themselves when they’re busy being so many different people. Tom Hiddleston even said that Loki is a character that “plays all the keys on the piano”. From a young age, Loki likely had to read the room, to observe and learn and work out what the situation called for. For example, at the start of ‘Thor’, Loki seems reserved and quiet, keenly observing rather than speaking, choosing to let the situation play out before he makes any more moves of his own.

Loki also grew up with the weight of expectations considering he was a Prince of Asgard. Loki had been given a role to fill, a box to remain inside. This is explored further in the ‘Loki’ series with the introduction of the TVA, the Time Keepers (He Who Remains) and the ‘roles’ that each variant plays within the Sacred Timeline. Unbeknownst to Loki, he was boxed even further by them. According to Mobius, Loki’s role was to “help others achieve the best versions of themselves” — Loki was always destined to lose on the Sacred Timeline.

Many autistic people can relate to this feeling, the weight of expectations, the invisible box that you “should” fit nicely into to make others comfortable and happy… And you mask to do so, because it’s easier.

Loki believes that making people believe in the illusion is easier — safer.

There’s the assumption people make about autistic people that they are selfish and lack emotion/empathy, when it isn’t always true. Autism isn’t a ‘one size fits all’, it’s a spectrum. People around Loki often assume he is selfish or lacks empathy for others. Whilst he definitely displays selfish tendencies, it is an act of self-preservation, not always out of true malice. Loki does care about others, this is evidenced by his actions towards his family, his home and friends. Loki is often misunderstood — some of it is his own doing, whilst other times it’s an unfortunate thing.

Loki bases his sense of self on those around him. Without people around him, Loki struggles to know where he fits.

This is highly relatable for me personally as an autistic individual. I often struggle with my identity and understanding of myself, often feeling somehow on the outside of social circles but needing them to fulfil ‘my role’.

In ‘Thor Ragnarok’, Thor told Loki that he “will always be the God of Mischief” but that he “could be more”, once again confirming that Loki tends to ‘stay inside his role’ and expectations instead of trying to change things — because change is scary. Even in the series, Mobius tells Loki: “You can be whoever, whatever you wanna be.” It makes me believe that Loki feels like he cannot be anything else except what others expect, which I know is something I struggle with personally too as an autistic person. Insecurities, doubt and past experiences shape our choices and how ‘safe’ we feel trying to let go of masks.

It is scientifically proven that autistic people are more likely to experience trauma than the average person. Research also shows that autistic people are more likely to experience toxic or abusive relationships than neurotypicals are (but of course, sadly they can happen to anyone regardless of gender, neurotype, sexuality, ethnicity, age etc).

Loki is a character that seems to constantly find himself in cycles with toxic and/or abusive relationships.

Loki’s relationship with Odin is unhealthy and toxic, with Loki constantly striving to be seen as Thor’s equal in the eyes of the All-Father. It’s a dynamic that is wrapped in misunderstandings and mistakes. Loki was competing with Thor, feeling like Thor was favoured, and Odin’s words/actions always seemed to back up the narrative that Loki believed, in his mind proving that he was right all along - that he would never be enough for his father. These thoughts are so deeply ingrained into Loki’s psyche, they shaped his own perception of himself and it is wise to come to the conclusion there is trauma tied to this fact.

With Loki, he began to see Odin’s love is conditional and comes with strings attached. Even if this was simply Odin losing his temper with Loki, it is a cruel and harsh thing to say to your adopted son. Especially, as in Loki’s mind he had already been cast out again by Odin at the end of ‘Thor’, taking Odin’s “no, Loki” as rejection, solidifying once more his internal beliefs and feelings about his place amongst his family.

Of course, then we have Thanos. And whilst this dynamic isn’t directly really shown on screen much (especially not during ‘Avengers’), from what we know about both characters, we can paint a pretty good picture of their relationship. If Loki thought Odin’s acceptance and approval was conditional, then he knew Thanos’ certainly was. Loki fell from the Bifrost in his lowest moment and stumbled into another toxic/abusive dynamic. Loki is acting out of fear/desperation, necessity and survival.

Then in ‘Thor Ragnarok’, we see Loki under the ‘rule’ of the Grandmaster — another very powerful being who could discard of Loki if he does something he doesn’t approve of. And then even in the ‘Loki’ series, Loki falls into the TVA’s hands, meeting Mobius; who whilst isn’t inherently cruel, evil or abusive, he is Loki’s ‘warden’. There is a power imbalance there, and he has the ability to have Loki erased from existence.

I won’t go into too much more detail about this topic of trauma, abuse and cycles for the sake of keeping the post not too long, but I wrote a whole paper about ‘Loki and his humanity’ and I explore this topic a lot more in that — if you’re interested.

But my point is, that Loki finds himself in cycles — whether it be his actions, his relationships, his masks, his ambitions… This is something that happens to people who have experienced trauma.

Loki is constantly fighting to survive.

Autistic people live in a world that wasn’t made for them. You could argue that Loki lives in a world that wasn’t made for him either. He was taken from his birthplace, his appearance altered with magic by Odin, lived in a realm that likely treated him differently due to an inherent ‘unknown feeling’ they got from him…