me as a hotel receptionist: *greets guests by playing hotel california but cutting it off right before they say california*

*crushes my emotions with my bare hands* as I was saying,

“I summon a seal! Wow. Whadda y'know.” “There she is.” *video zooms in on seal* “Dun-dun-duuuuuuuuuuuun!”

This is what sports should be about <3

Wait, are those breaching mantas?

no they are the majestic flapflaps

my kids: dad what’s for supper? me: ooh hunny i am serving looks tonight kids: we haven’t eaten in 3 days

me, living my life: chaotic stupid

i would fight myself if i could

Brah

damn she thicc

these pancakes have been to dr. miami

damn im tryna slide thru

your girl gone to the store and she leaves you alone with these pancakes. what you gonna do?

anyone else fucking LOVE BEING IN BED???

i am this dog

*wakes up from a nap angry and not knowing what day it is*