Mind Mine

1) Leave after the first lie 2) Always save money  3) Keep good company  4) Looking tired? Lipstick  5) Live alone for some time 6) Take care of your health  7) I really mean #6 mental also  8 ) Always speak your truth  9) Love yourself before anyone else 10) Never stop learning  11) Trust yourself.

As I stepped into the house I can vaguely remember telling my Grandmother I didn't do it...and she was not having any conversation about it. I can only assume I went into the tiny space that was now my room and closed the door behind me.  Presently I find it difficult to pull from memory most of what happened in order,  It inherently caused so much distress on my still growing mind that a lot was compartmentalized. I do remember thinking endlessly about what I did to make my Mother accuse me of something so atrocious. How I could have said or did something while she demanded I prove to her my innocence.  These thoughts went on for a long time I estimate over a year I spent virtually alone. My Grandmother worked long hours and there was noone to talk to. Eventually I did make contact with my friends I can’t remember the time just the call from Mitchell and him saying my mother was “crazy” and he knew I would never do such a thing. There are small memories surrounding this timeframe but all are fragments of memorable moments. For instance the day I came back from a friend’s house to find my Mother had taken all my journals and diaries for her own bidding.  I have to do age math to even understand at what point I escaped the solitary environment of being in the middle of nowhere in a tiny house, with noone to talk to. I do remember my sleep pattern switched and I would stay awake until daylight only to sleep until it was dark again. Weeks turned to days, to months. I am going to estimate I spent 1.5 years of lamenting in an accusatory abandonment while living out of town, and shutting everyone out due to fear.

When I was 16 my mom went off the rails on drugs, became some kind of mentally ill addict of a woman I no longer knew.  She by definition abandoned me... over the assumption that I was having an affair with the man who was my stepfather. I want to puke.  She didn't get out of the car, I can only remember her last words to me. “It’s your life now, deal with it”.   I got out with my bag and looked at my grandmother's house, a small red bungalow.  There’s no memory of walking into her home or anything that was said. I was in complete shock I suppose. I loved my Mother so much even though I can recall my childhood being riddled with abuse on a sliding scale. I would never do anything to hurt her, this was so absurd.  I just needed her to believe me. I didn’t do it.  To be continued...

I'm a creep

If you say so...

A a a a ye

?

Double exhale

He gets me.

C.K

Icey bitch

Furby OR Nicolas Cage ? You decide.

Stressed out