you deserve the love you keep trying to give everyone else

I have a friend who is fluent in French, Spanish, and English, but she didn’t want to learn a new language during high school so she took French and pretended she didn’t know it. Long story short, her first year didn’t count because the principal found out so he made her take Spanish and when I walked her to Spanish on the first day, she walked in and said, “Hoe-La uh-me-goats!” And personally I believe she might pull this off

Update: after two weeks of pulling it off, the teacher asked her to read something in Spanish and she forgot that she was supposed to sound inexperienced, so she read the whole thing in perfect Spanish. Her counselor is now considering transferring her to German

Tell me you fat fuckin horse

Well now he isn’t going to say anything you’ve hurt him

I think these would guarantee return bookings.  Loving the elephant.

I worked in a hotel for a year. Hotel staff LOVE silly requests because otherwise our job is just mundane. It gives the front desk a chance to do something creative.

aaaa this is so lovely

I was just about to ask how hotel staff feel about these kind of things.  Glad they’re okay.

One bonus of being An Adult ™ is grossly misusing modern slang on purpose and watching the young interns cry inside

a fine example: the other day I pointed at a passing shark and, while looking one intern right in the eye, went “Man is that bae or what huh?” and the look on his face was something i will treasure for years

a baby can be born right now at 12:00, on a wednesday, august 24 in new jersey while another baby is also born in the exact same moment but they are born 9:00, on a tuesday, august 23 in california, these babies that are born at the same moment are technically because of time zones, a concept that we created ourselves, born “hours” apart even though really they are born at the same moment just not the same “time”, one will be considered older even though in actuality they are the same

Wtf