WILL THE SOUNDTRACK KINDLY PRODUCE A SOUND?

Something about it… captivated me. Was it the screeching, autotuned vocals that caught my attention? The vapid and childishly crude lyrics? Or the over-mixed drums and mp3 fuzz that proved its authenticity (and lack thereof)? Izzy Sparks was speaking to me from the faraway, ancient year of 2007. He had taken my heart from the lockbox, so to say. I began to understand.

Taken at face value, Vice Grip's discography contains objectively, the worst songs ever written (save for one*). But we need to go deeper. To truly comprehend the beauty of Vice Grip, one must understand the concept of:

Somewhere in 21-year-old Daniel Michael Armbruster's mind, there was a great plan stewing. If his eccentric mannerisms, cynical lyricism, and off-putting tweets of today suggest anything, it is that Daniel is no stranger to satire. His devilish plan to create the perfect caricature of 00s synthpop was never meant to be anything more than a one-time joke. How (un)fortunate that Vice Grip was conceived at the height of the second boyband craze, leading to international success and an active fanbase. Their faces were on TV around the world, and even in magazines. Vice Grip even eclipsed the popularity of the Hoodies, their completely 100% sincere pop-punk effort.

Perhaps this non-band came too early. Were they ahead of their time? It seemed Vice Grip had become the very thing it swore to destroy. Fittingly, the band self-destructed after releasing their final album: The Vice Grip Anthology (2320 H.D. - 2009 A.D.). Causes for the breakup include drug addiction, sex addiction, pornography (both producing and consuming), cannibalism, food addiction, feudalism, and college classes.

Eventually fading into obscurity and surpassed by newer satirical bands like Joywave and KOPPS, Vice Grip's genius went unappreciated for the next 15 years. The full Vice Grip Anthology was lost to link rot and Web 1.0's decay. The search for this holy grail was further crushed when former band members revealed that not even they possessed a copy. I mean, can you blame them? It seemed that Vice Grip was nothing more than an unpleasant memory, preserved only in the minds of the ex-emo millennials who had nothing better to do at Warped Tour 2008.

Until one fateful day in the year 2023. The Anthology had at last been uncovered, dug up and dusted off by one of the few fans who had the indecency to pay $9.99 on iTunes for it, all those years ago. It was subsequently transmitted all the way from Pluto to every deviant computer in the world, and is now freely available to all mortals that can withstand the sonic assault on their eardrums.

Everything on the internet does indeed last forever, much to the chagrin of Armbruster FKA Sparks. In his own words, "[The Anthology] is 31 tracks of complete and utter bullshit, presented in chronological order." But for the five or so Vice Grip fans that still exist on this planet, it was worth its weight in gold and then some (so I'm told). It truly is the most amazing album we will ever hear.

I am now at the point in my Vice Grip journey where Holly & Emily is a welcome guest on my shuffle play, rather than a dastardly scourge to make me cringe into the 4th dimension. This presents some difficulties when playing my music in a car filled with more sensible people than I. But they simply have not yet been mind-blown by the frequencies that Vice Grip has to offer.

The true artistry of Vice Grip hides behind the superficial. These are not songs meant to be loathed and detested by their audience. These are songs crafted with love. These are love songs. Because we love it.

Vice Grip truly is the greatest band the world has ever freaking seen.