your buddie, onyx

I know im the one that broke up with them but it still hurts like hell. Ive been growing numb and scared ij the relationship for these past few months but it still hurts.

I havent made things the easiest my head is full of guilt and doubt and unfortunately ive voiced it to her making her more confused on where the relationship stands.

It went from breakup to break to eventual get back together 5o break to no contact which is confusing for anyone.

The no contact still went like a break, but I realized about 3 weeks in that I dont think I can miss us anymore. The relationship got so bad over the last 6 months of it I was veing hurt emotionally to the point it affected me physically and then they said they dont remember any of it. So many disgusting things they said to me even down to at my birthday party.

So why do I miss It you ask? Because in my heartest of hearts I believed they'd change take my advice become something of themself, want to get better, try to get better.

They're pretty good as a person but overtime they became a shit partner and I got numb and sick.

I really wanna ve friends, I hoped that with this break, I'd be able to get them to wake up and realize how badly theyve been doing how badly theyve been hurting the people that want to stay around. But I made things worse and made them confused cuz I truly didnt want to go

I still dont..

They broke no contact twice once to send a personal update on how they're doing that they're actually putting in the work and to wish me condolences on the passing of my great uncle.

Then last Friday, they called me to comfort me "as a friend" my friend told me. Then they wanted closure, is this really over like our mutual friend said or is it still a break. I didn't wanna make that decision just yet. I just came to terms that I dont think I could because im scared to death of being hurt like that if we get back together. I date to marry, theyre not sure if they want a wedding and I really do but we both wanna marry eachother but they dont really have any life goals or understand why its important to get a job so they can reach the few dreams they have. They never understood until our friend reached out. They treated it like an outrage when I suggested places or getting therapy or help. Or trying to get some proper friends instead of being dependent on me while pushing me away.

They sound like theyre changing according to the friend. But im being blasted with how badly hurtvthey are because ive confused them in this break/breakup on what I want or what this is because the situation is fucked.

I confessed to them it's a breakup now because i dont think I cant want us again went "us" has scarred me and stained my memories of the relationship.

They had asked me if I missed us and if im happy eventually switching up to ask if im happy without them.

I can't miss us but I do miss them, the nights of talking and losing sleep showing up to hang oit all dau with them, combing my hair when im too burnout and sick to do it. Those moments where we just learn about eachother in quiet splendor and grief for their hardships. The intimacy of staying in place after and just staring at eachother not exchanging words till we fall asleep in eachothers arms. Silly posts and photos while the other's asleep. Encouraging eachother to be the best they can be when everything seems wrong.

I miss how safe they used to make me feel when no matter what I could be sure id never be scared to be near them even when the odds are stacked.

But I lost that, I saw a twinkle of it 3 days after we originally broke up when even though we were split they brought me pudding and allowed me to hug them and we sat on the floor and talked everything out.

I felt like it was possible that we could be in our lives someday again.

And the feeling got too big cuz I stumbled an ask for my words to be reversed to undo this break up cuz I got that fuzzy feeling of hope again 2 days later when they comforted me when I had a rough day+night. I was weak and I made a mistake.

Even now that they've blocked me in return because I got upset after last friday's breach of no contact because I was doing so well on my progress and I had a test to do so I was unfocused.

I made a mistake i messaged them got mad and told them not to contact me again at least not for now.

Got mad when mutual friend told me they said it felt like they were being punished, and I was being ungrateful for the call and comfort. And lashed out on them again. Because how dare they I tried to be as respectful as possible and thank them for the comfort while expressing that it hurt and I wasn't ready to talk again yet, that for now its best not to break no contact again. Because its too painful.