[sabbatical series] protecting space
During sometime in our first month of dating, #bots nonchalantly asked who between the two of us would be the more domestic one. I remember getting ready to get out of my chair and head out the door as I responded, “If there is any notion that you are looking for a stay at home housewife you need to tell me now so we can end this relationship before either of us gets in too deep.” He chuckled at my gut reaction and clarified his intent in introducing the question about household responsibilities, what does an egalitarian partnership look like.
I grew up in a home that didn’t fit the gender norm script. Mom worked as our family’s main source of income and insurance and my dad had the more flexible schedule to do before/after school pickups, groceries, cooking, and yardwork. When dad was in seminary school, I remember times when my grandmother would come and stay with us for a few days or going over to a couple from the church who would watch me while my dad was taking evening classes.
I’m still not exactly sure how #bots and I found our rhythm and role. Early in dating and marriage we did almost all the household chores together – I would wash the rice, prep the veggies while #bots manned the stove; I’d wash the dishes while #bots wiped the table and counter; #bots would vacuum and Swiffer while I loaded the washer. When baby B came, it followed a similar pattern – one parent changed the diaper while the other scrubbed the aftermath from the blowout; one parent would give baby B a bath, the other would read her a bedtime story and tuck her into bed. After I left my job, our routines were recalibrated in taking on more household chores of grocery shopping, running errands, and being the main parent on call with doctor’s appointments. Equal Partners was a fantastic read and reminder that domestic duties are not fixated in stone and malleable to adjust with life’s unpredictable seasons, but coming to a shared consensus on values, expectations, and communications.
Back in 2021, #bots was given a once-in-a-tenure opportunity to lead and coordinate a scientific program at UC Santa Barbara. The 4-week program was slated for 2023 to coordinate a highly selective group of international experts at the intersection of machine learning and astronomy. Housing would be fully provided for participants, and to encourage families to attend childcare stipend and on-site daycare at UCSB was also provided. We knew how rare and privileged of an opportunity for #bots’ academic career and collectively for our whole family to go on this monthlong adventure to sunny California. Out of the 60 some participants, about 6 other families had children the same age as baby B, every one of them bilingual (French, Spanish, Hebrew, Arabic, Japanese). We protected our time and space to cherish and savor these moments.
In college, I remember talking with an older couple asking how they balanced their own career ambitions (mom was an OB/GYN, dad was starting a social enterprise business) and raising young children. They shared that there are certain seasons where one partner’s prospects and opportunities seem to be abundant and should be pursued, and the other partner’s role in that season is to offer as much support as possible. At some point, there will be another season, a chance for the once-supportive partner to chase their dreams and for the other one to take a step back. But you have to trust that time will come and be willing to be both pursuer and supporter. You protect what is most precious and sacred- the people you love, the souls you steward, the dreams you harbor. This season is #bots’ time, a flourishing one and I am along for the ride, his biggest cheerleader. Simultaneously, my own dreams are starting to take form, and there will come another time where those dreams will become more clearly defined, and #bots will become my support.












