do i revive this tumblr to be my own private thing?
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@onlycolleen
do i revive this tumblr to be my own private thing?

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Today I woke up feeling somewhat like myself. I had a small moment of sadness and then it disappeared. I don’t know if this is a sign of me healing and getting better, if I’m heading in the right direction or just being distracted so that I don’t fall into a hole again.
But whatever it may be.. I counted my blessings today.
I am grateful for the people who really reached out to check on me.. I don’t deserve the love that I receive but I am grateful for it.

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Feeling more like myself today. I guess it’s not a bad idea that I came on this trip. I’m excited but not excited at the same time. I feel so tired. Like, my head hurts. I pray that this trip is a healing time.
unironically love the phrase “but I’m being so brave about it” because truly, like, what other choice do we have in this wretched existence? what a beautiful way to remind yourself to keep going, even if only out of spite
I worked three days in a row with 3-4 hours of sleep in between each shift and... It was kind of nuts how functional I was despite the lack of sleep.
I unexpectedly broke down to Hamzah and Ryan the other day about how I'm feeling and I am really upset with myself that I cried and burdened my feelings onto them. I know they would never fault me.. And i know that care about me. Truly. But I still feel guilty. I am happy that I felt comfortable to tell them because I've been struggling really hard to try and tell other people..
And it's not even like I don't trust other people. I do.. It's just I feel like other people have better things to do than to think about me or check up on me. And granted.. They haven't.
I am tired. I am really tired of feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. I feel like I'm living every day needing to find the energy to even simply exist and it's fucking hard.
I don't think many people will get it.
I talked to Patrick a bit about this over text because he reached out. He asked me what my purpose in life is and I honestly do not know. I wish I knew. At some point I felt pretty confident and happy to be alive but now I wonder if it was just me putting a bandaid on my deeper feelings.
I am feeling more increasingly lonely as the days go by. I finally told Brandon and Jay last night about what I've been going through. I'm grateful that despite the differences in our ages, our upbringing, and our personalities that they can empathize with me and offer comfort the best they can. I know they care and they try.
And I'm grateful for that, even though I don't deserve it.
⋆。゚☁︎。⋆。🌙✧彡

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I had dinner with Gianina, Connie, Maggie, and Fiona today for Galentines day. It was nice. For a short period of time, I felt happy. It was nice knowing that we’re together and peoples’ SOs didn’t have to be there.
I got to thinking about how people just naturally want to spend all their time with their SOs. I guess it makes sense because it’s someone they want to spend their lives with.
I guess it just sucks because I wish someone felt that way about me. Not just in a romantic sense. Gianina said that I still have many other friends and that’s true but it’s also true that so many who are in relationships don’t even talk to me on a regular basis. I guess that’s what happens when people move on. It makes me wonder if mom was right that being in a romantic relationship is what life is about. That it’s the end. It’s the goal.
Anyway, I opened up my Hinge app again just to scroll. Still no like backs. I don’t mind to be honest.
little cutie :3
I’m sleepyyy
my own space

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Have sum of my cyberpunk Edgerunners art
Cyberpunk: Edgerunners