just be yourself ✿

But whatever it may be.. I counted my blessings today.

I unexpectedly broke down to Hamzah and Ryan the other day about how I'm feeling and I am really upset with myself that I cried and burdened my feelings onto them. I know they would never fault me.. And i know that care about me. Truly. But I still feel guilty. I am happy that I felt comfortable to tell them because I've been struggling really hard to try and tell other people..

And it's not even like I don't trust other people. I do.. It's just I feel like other people have better things to do than to think about me or check up on me. And granted.. They haven't.

I am tired. I am really tired of feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. I feel like I'm living every day needing to find the energy to even simply exist and it's fucking hard.

I don't think many people will get it.

I talked to Patrick a bit about this over text because he reached out. He asked me what my purpose in life is and I honestly do not know. I wish I knew. At some point I felt pretty confident and happy to be alive but now I wonder if it was just me putting a bandaid on my deeper feelings.

I am feeling more increasingly lonely as the days go by. I finally told Brandon and Jay last night about what I've been going through. I'm grateful that despite the differences in our ages, our upbringing, and our personalities that they can empathize with me and offer comfort the best they can. I know they care and they try.

I got to thinking about how people just naturally want to spend all their time with their SOs. I guess it makes sense because it’s someone they want to spend their lives with. 

I guess it just sucks because I wish someone felt that way about me. Not just in a romantic sense. Gianina said that I still have many other friends and that’s true but it’s also true that so many who are in relationships don’t even talk to me on a regular basis. I guess that’s what happens when people move on. It makes me wonder if mom was right that being in a romantic relationship is what life is about. That it’s the end. It’s the goal.