Relationship Issues
Hi everyone,
It's been a while since I've blogged or anything, missed doing this. So many things have changed for me career-wise for those wondering, but it's been good. There's just a lot of stress for me to get into this Master's program, and I am applying this fall, so fingers crossed. Also, we just moved houses! This super-big place is a lot bigger than our last place, but my family needed more room. I have my washroom, which is nice. I am currently having some relationship struggles.
My and my boyfriend have been together for four years. We've known each other since we were young but did not start dating till a lot later in life. We both had one relationship before each other, but they were different and not as long. My ex-boyfriend committed suicide last year, and that process was not easy. Going to his funeral, speaking out and watching his parents mourn the loss of their very young son was horrendous. Suicide is a complex topic, but it needs to be spoken about.
Back to my current relationship, we almost broke up yesterday. It's weird because it felt so surreal. You plan your whole life out with someone; every single detail, and it feels so certain... but then poof, you're wondering if this is truly meant to be?
I have strict brown parents, so it isn't straightforward seeing him because I need an elaborate excuse. Right now, I see him Mondays and Fridays because that's when I have class "on-campus," but I spend the day with him. My parents know him, and he is my brother's friend; he goes to our church, and his parents are family friends with my parents and come over at least twice a week. My mom and grandma don't want me dating him.. but that's because of dumb reasons we'll get into later.
Yesterday when arguing with my boyfriend, I saw this look of pain in his eyes as he yelled in my face, why don't you ever ask me if I'm okay? When he said that, I had this moment of clarity. I become so obsessed with my depression, anxiety, family issues, suicidal thoughts that I forget my boyfriend isn't always okay. I feel selfish and disappointed. He opened up and said he feels this constant need to be perfect and prove himself to me. I don't want that; I want him to know I love every part of him. I can't help but feel my insecurities are pushing him away. I hate myself so much it's hard to believe someone could even love me. I need to work on myself but also need to understand my partner. I feel like a walking red flag. I don't know anymore... I am so flawed deeper than I ever imagined.
