ONE | TWENTY-FOUR

Today, I learned that Kenneth the Page a.k.a. Mr. Jack McBrayer and one of my favorite Southerners on television, is a writer for The Big Bang Theory! Kablowie! Mind obliterated. 

But that ‘splosion isn’t a result of judgement. Chuck Lorre is a true visionary within the medium as we all know. Even though full disclosure, I can never really figure out exactly why but I respect the fact that he always just has his index finger on the pulse of comedy for the American masses. Also syndication money is life goals. My shock comes simply from the fact that I had absolutely no idea! 

But it makes sense. A sweet Southerner who likes playing characters who are innocent but weird/socially inept, should write for a kind Southerner who is playing a character who is innocent and quirky/socially inept. Keep up the good work Jack McBrayer! We love you no matter what you do! 

Until tomorrow, 

Please follow @sombontv on Twitter, as I try to live blog The Oscars RIGHT NOW. Humans can’t really multitask, it’s been scientifically proven, so please don’t expect too much.    

Monday I learned (because this didn’t auto post and I apologize)...that lots of people think they’re original by writing Tweets about Saint West maybe not existing. So funny talking about a newborn baby,` maybe not existing. #sarcasm

But yes, until now, none of us knew how, or when, or how much they would hold out for to take a pic beyond Saint’s tiny wrist. But you’re saying, “hey sb, this is all about Saint West, where’s the picture at the top?!” It’s Kim and Kanye’s baby, not mine, and I don’t post pics of other people’s kids to draw in your eye on my blog. (If you wanna pay me to do so on your blog however, my morals are up for negotiation!) But lucky for all of us, she shared it via her Instagram page for all to enjoy the fruit of her loins!  And today (Monday), is a day that many people, yes admittedly including me, have been waiting for. 

The main event, happened today (Monday) because it was the birthday of Kim Kardashian West’s late father, Robert Sr.  Though it also it also doesn’t hurt that the 11th season finale of Keeping Up with the Kardashians was last night (Sunday). But, I’ve watched every episode and I know how much their father still factors into all of the four eldest, and actual Kardashians, lives. Yes four, because Rob, like Bashful, is the oft forgotten, and silent other sibling. And the only true balance for Kim’s um...Kimness. So, I miss him like e’ry Sunday. 

But back to #saintmonday as I am calling it. We finally received Saint’s coveted babyness, in ADORABLE close-eyed form. Because the mystery about everything Kardashian, is that you can’t figure out why you care so much.  Because love ‘em, or probably judge ‘em without actually knowing anything about them at all, the Kardashians, and especially the combo of Kardashian + West, has become the definition of celebrity in our current culture. And the cosmetic choices deservedly made for their own comfort with their souls and bodies, aside; the genes that Kris has, and Robert Sr. and Kanye’s mom Donda West had alone, are on full display in both kids. Including Saint’s older sister, and style icon at two years old, North West “the shiniest star in the sky”. Seriously, she was wearing customized knee high Doc Martins in a picture I saw today, that I couldn’t even afford if I somehow weirdly still fit into baby sizes as an adult! But she’s not going anywhere. Mostly because she is new to walking, and Docs are sups heavy. And now that they have the newest cutest baby in Hollywood, Kimye really isn’t going anywhere anytime soon either. So, no matter how you feel, try to channel your inner newborn, and suck it up! 

Until tomorrow, 

Today I learned that there used to be a show called Kelly Kelly. And that some objects in the rearview mirror of life are exactly what they appear. Meaning, well I’ll get to that. 

Shelley Long, is amazing amazingness who gave us all life as Diane Chambers on Cheers, and as Phyllis Nefler in Troop Beverly Hills. And you thought that Anna Kendrick always made good choices. Well she does. And so does Shelley Long. Except, of course, for the time she left Cheers. Or the other time where she signed up for a one joke show called Kelly Kelly. Yes, it’s exactly what you think it is. Her first name is Kelly and her married surname is Kelly. I think that side eye from her own husband speaks volumes. 

But don’t blame Shelley for this, we all gotta live. 

Today I learned that beef jerky is something people are really passionate about. 

In August 2013, when the animated Seth Meyers show The Awesomes premiered on Hulu, they were brilliantly sponsored by Jack Links. And though animated Bigfoot getting into cray hijinks with “The Awesomes” was the best, I was also like, “beef jerky???” Well, seems like I should’ve taken the hint. But I didn’t know anyone who was open about their love of jerky, until last year when that all changed. 

I met the first person that ever emphatically loved jerky in general in my entire time on this earth and he was under 30. The man who is also my best friend’s now hubby/the only brand new mutual friend my boyf and I have discovered mutually in almost 5 years, if you were wondering. 

The day before their wedding, my friends and I threw them a party and as I like to do - I researched the shit out of the internet’s jerky industry. What I discovered is the very delicious Alien Fresh Jerky. Though I didn’t get to impart, because I am the world’s slowest eater, which is always hilarious when you’re the one who ordered the food. But it was fascinating how many people, from different families, and states, were down with the juicy dried brown stuff. 

Then last night I met a friend of a friend, who raved with a similar, but more extroverted passion, about the jerky at a local dinner & movie theater in Williamsburg, called Nitehawk Cinema. And since I am currently living in the hell that is Invisalign, I didn’t get to eat that jerky either! But listening to her love of jerky and watching all the people from different states, and different families devour the jerky around me, I was fully aware this time around, that I was unmistakably witnessing the jerky revolution firsthand. A jerko-lution, if you must. And I must. Must say jerk-olution, not eat jerky obviously because I’m avoiding that for some reason. C’mon, I know you were thinking it.  

Until tomorrow! 

Spoilers Ahead. 

Today I learned that Cheryl Strayed chose her own last name, because she strayed from her marriage while painfully mourning the loss of her mother. 

So today, I finally watched the movie “Wild”, for ‘free’ on HBO. And I learned that Cheryl Strayed, is as dimensional of a real life character as a person can be. In the movie adapted by Nick Hornby, based off of Strayed’s book of the same name, they bare her demons and share her very emotional story about the loss of her mother; and then her marriage and the toll it took on her life. It’s a great story. 

Usually I don’t run towards hiking movies, because honestly I personally think hiking is the worst. Even though it comes with so many sights one probably can’t experience any other way, Mother Nature and I have a firm understanding and mostly just visit, but never for too long. But this movie really captivated me, and I respect Strayed for not only telling her story in such a soul baring way, but for changing her life by telling her story.  First with Oprah’s approval, and then having the book optioned, by the movie’s star Reese Witherspoon. 

I also think that it’s always an important message to show that second chances shouldn’t be taken for granted.  And that when we learn to value ourselves, that one can save themselves in ways that are unimaginable.  Even if you have to get down, and incredibly, seriously, disgustingly dirty. 

Until tomorrow! 

Today I learned that Keste Pizza in New York City is a gluten-free haven of deliciousness. 

So, recently my boyf was diagnosed as gluten-free (GF as you’ll see it moving forward). And not just like one of those glutards that tells you they’re gluten free when they want attention, until the free bread comes popping hot to the table and they have to just try a slice or two. He’s gluten free, like we’re trying to see if we can find alternatives to muffaletta, beignets, and fried alligator when we go to Jazz Fest in a few months. And he’s never been to New Orleans, poor baby. Honestly can I say that going to NoLA post gluten, honestly I don’t recommend it. Like if you ever suspect you have a gluten allergy, try to go and writhe in pain, before you know for sure what’s wrong. Trust me, it’ll be worth it because the food is THAT good! Maybe find a local 24 hour doctor or clinic before? I do not suggest this, but I do stand behind it wholeheartedly, as long as it won’t kill you. Proceed with caution, and ample intelligence about things that personally can kill you. Additionally, that’s probably a pretty solid rule of thumb, for everything ever. Also I take no responsibility for this incredibly terrible advice. 

Okay back to the point. So I am a researching FREAK! And him being GF has just provided me with more research than a gal’s heart can stand. Everything from recipes to restaurants. So behold my surprise when he told me that he found a restaurant with GF pizza dough made on premises! Now if you’ve never had GF pizza… IT’S THE ABSOLUTE WORST! It’s made from rice, and glue and bits of hell maybe. And every pizza place that has GF pizza basically uses the same packaged pizza dough, which you can’t reheat first of all. And though your toothless dog would probably enjoy gumming through the gluey flavs, it’s barely fit for a human. I say this all of course from the insensitive perspective of someone who does not have a gluten allergy and doesn’t understand how amazing it must feel to taste anything close to the real thing no matter how disgusting, of course. I am an asshole. 

Then today we went to Keste, and the GF clouds parted. First of all, they have an entire page of GF pizza! If you’ve never been to New York, a page of any food is a miracle because the menus can sometimes be hella short. Especially a GF page. However the only drawback there is that it’s real Italian pizza; so no pepperoni, or bacon, or equivalent vegetarian things. And it’s a chef ruled pizzatorship; so no substitutes, no building your own pie, etc. But upside is that they have so many amazing combinations that you don’t have to worry your brain with actual thinking. You can just sit there and look pretty and enjoy the best GF pizza you’ve ever tried! And some of the best oven baked Italian pizza I’ve ever had, that wasn’t GF btwubs. 

Don’t forget when you go, tell them we sent you! No j/k! They literally don’t know who we are! But worry not because we’ll both know who sent you, won’t we?  

Until tomorrow!  

Spoilers Ahead.

Today I learned…that Will Smith will always be a movie star. Whether you go to see his films, or not. But today, I chose to see a Willard Carroll Smith Jr. film in the theater, something I haven’t done since accidentally and regretfully seeing “Winter’s Tale”. Honestly the worst movie since “Freddy Got Fingered” (which yes I saw in the theater and also marks the date of grandmother’s death.) 

This evening, I went with one of my favorite people to see Will Smith’s newest vehicle, “Focus”. Now it wasn’t quite as magical as Hitch, which besides the cheesy cat poster sayings Eva Mendes' character is forced to endure is still like one of the world’s greatest rom-coms. But there is one thing that stood out to my friend and I - almost coming to the realization at the same time when Smith showed up shirtless... 

                                       ****SPOILER***** 

And it wasn’t just the fact that he was shirtless, on a giganto screen, at age 46, opposite a 24 year old Margot Robbie (The Wolf of Wall Street), with no overt skeez factor in regards to their interaction - it was the fact that Will Smith has still got it. But what is it exactly that Will Smith still and has always had? 

It’s comedic chops, charisma, easiness, watchability, likeability, actability; and yes the ability to be a hubby, dad, 46, shirtless, and have people remember where they were when that happened. Even if it was just a few hours ago, it’s still a Fresh memory! Get it?! 

Completely unrelated, I also wanna take this moment to finally speak out directly to “Independence Day” for putting me into a panic whenever I drive in a tunnel. Not cool. Not cool! 

Until tomorrow, 

Today I learned that some good things, must come to an end. 

Kate Spade Saturday, is was the “more affordable” little sister brand to the chic, kitschy (in a Upper West Sider kind of way at least), big sister brand of Kate Spade New York. Saturday was developed, according to Fashionista, exclusively for the retail market in Japan. But once American editors started catching on and raving, all company talk turned to expanding the brand to the states. 

“So what happened??!”, I say on the verge of tears. Well seriously, I’m still not totally sure? But it seems like the collapse of C. Wonder, it’s direct competitor, might have been a wake-up call to the owners of the designer NYC based brands. Including their male counterpart, Jack Spade. Whose stores are also being closed right now so that the men’s line can become exclusively e-commerce. In addition to these things, also according to Fashionista: the Saturday brand might be disappearing, but the aesthetic will be absorbed by Kate Spade New York. Though this gal has to wonder, and only time will tell if the lower price point will be absorbed as well?   

So, before you say good-bye, let your credit card provider say, “Ugh hello?! Wtf did someone steal your card???” And go out with a bang on the 50% off Final Saturday sale.*  Because memories after all, are what life is made of.  Yes, I even reposted the link, just incase you don’t wanna go back up to the top.  It’s this post’s equivalent to the mentality surrounding direct facing Starbucks.         

*The Daily Sparkle takes no responsibility for any bills, buyer’s remorse, or debt you may retain in this sale. However, we will take full responsibility for bringing you happiness via new stuff, by providing a link to a brand that many other amazing people, sans us, built! So you’re welcome!   

Until tomorrow, 

Ellie Kemper hosting Ellen, when Ellen had the flu and probably took a trip to Pukeville; which I deduced from the video of when she returned after being sick and said she even did the show from her hospital after back surgery.  Which is like whoa, that is for reals ded-i-cashiones.  But every idea seems like a flying unicorn-popcorn-popsicle slash t-shirt shooter of dreams, on pain killers.  Anywho, that took me to The Ellen Show’s Youtube page (of which I already subscribe, you should too), and to our first “Bonus”.  Ellen has tons of amusing Youtube clips with celeb filled games!!!  Watching Nicole Richie and Ellen Pompeo run in place like cartoons to grab a boomerang (no there are no typos in that thought), is just the top of some whipped, cream cheese filled icing. Meaning it’s all delicious, completely unnecessary, and goes down with a smile.  With no additional puking, that I saw anyway. 

The other bonus I gift you with today, is movie bloopers!  I know, “gifting you with movie bloopers”, sounds like an oxymoron.  And I agree, as I’m usually not one for bloopers (see the 14 minute Step Brothers post to figure out why).  But the Youtube page, ‘Movie Bloopers, & Making Of’ does a good job with one of my favorite movies of all time, and more Ellie, in the Bridesmaids two-parter! Okay I only gave you the link to one part, but the other one is literally to the left if you go to Youtube.  Oh, I was talking to the computer this whole time.  It’s to your human, right...oh, wait one second please.   

[sb to laptop: Okay, I’ll ask, I don’t want you to feel unsafe.  No, I’ll ask them, they won’t know you asked.  I’ll take responsibility.  Yes, I will, I promise, just type it up.] 

So human...I mean hello friend.  Without any influence from anything...I mean anyone, if you can please wait a second while I get a phrase for you to type in for verification of your humanity...hmmm, I got nothing for that one. 

Topic you can discuss while you wait: Why are most blooper reels so very very terrible?    

Today I learned...how to use this site even more!  I recently changed to Observer, a free Tumblr interface, because I wanted something that was the same as my previous look, but fancier.  And as you can see below, or may have noticed, I had no idea how to post a picture and maintain the same font as when I don’t choose the picture option.  Turns out the + that appears next to the post when you’re composing it, was trying to get my attention all along! Sorry I doubted you little, almost invisible, and initially confusing, friend!  I hear you loud and clear now.  I can’t take back my mistakes, but I can learn from them and move blog forward.  

THE UNMISTAKABLE ELLIE KEMPER 

Today I learned...that Ellie Kemper is a beast!  No, you asshole!  Not the ugly, Gaston maiming, light as air dancing, interspecies loving kind!  More of the Princeton, Oxford, multiple improv troupes, Youtube embracing, never stopping until she made it to The Office, Bridesmaids, and more kind, according to NYMag.com.  Including her new role on the very lovable and funny, Tina Fey & Robert Carlock written NBC Netflix show, “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”.  Ellie Kemper, is the finest Indiana Mole woman you will ever see! And if you have no idea what I am talking about, catch up to the show on Netflix; then join us soon for this series, along with many of your favorites (or soon to be), on TVRecap(less).  

Today I learned, while kindly being helped by my Gmail account to find cheap linens on West Elm, no Kate Spade, oh that’s it!  I actually wasn’t wishfully shopping at all (wishful shopping=shopping with no money)!  I was reading the most bizarre, non-sponsored article about best celeb friends with amazing hair! Yes, I read the whole thing, because I love click-through slideshows on blog based sites, especially about famous friendships, relationships, & familyships. I once spent hours researching the individual relationship dynamics of each duo combo within the “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants”.  And besides Blake, America, Alexis and Tibby, I have to say that Michelle & Busy are always the best, best friends to me. And Amy and Tina!  Oh, Selma & Penelope!  Oh, oh, and Lena and Jemima! And also Jared & Lupita!  Ben and Matt!  I mean I would say I’m done, but we all know that I am still thinking of people, yet no longer listing them, so fear not Beyonce and Kelly! 

Well, this rando pop-up popped up, because I was on some rando site (I risk it, especially for a good sildeshow).  But it was the best pop up ever because it wasn’t being suspiciously helpful, while asking to clean out my mac, yet probably containing a virus.  It also wasn’t telling me to subscribe to something that isn’t actually real, while probably containing a virus.  It gave me the precious gift of free knowledge, about animal facts I wasn’t supposed to know, which of course I knew a great deal because animals are the best useless trivia to collect, in your brain.  Everyone knows that!  Even though let’s be honest, it was probably distracting me, while tracking my location, or secretly scanning my credit cards in my bag, through my computer; all while giving me a virus. Which the more I think about it makes total sense given all of the amazing facts it gave me about animals!  Hmmm.  I’m feeling a little suspicious right now, so let us all get off the grid by getting to the point, that my favorite fact out of all of them, was that Bullfrogs don’t EVER sleep!  NEVER Ever!  I would select a link, but no thank you!  I don’t know what it is with animal articles, especially non-traditionally furry ones, but they always have pictures.  So you’re on your own this time. But let me know what info you find, sans pics please!  Says the girl who used to lovingly raise a tadpole.  I was definitely a stronger, better woman at age six. 

Today I learned that oceans might actually be made of tears.

This is “52″. Like “Four” he is deeper than just a pretty face. About 20,000 leagues deeper. And he is super special, and also like most geniuses, super misunderstood. Literally, he gets his name because he emits a sound frequency of 52 hertz, which no other whale in the whole great wide ocean can understand. Though let’s not speak for the prehistoric whales that I am pretty sure live on the bottom of the ocean, but choose not to function in our modern day society of dolphin praising, and (amazing) Disney movies about (adorably brave) fish. Whales, who communicate in a way that humans are still scratching their heads about millions of dollars and years later, are one of the most intelligent species on the planet (the only thing I learned from “Lucy” besides I will follow ScarJo to the ends of the earth, even to a movie with squandered potential).  

“52″ rightfully so, has a famous admirer who is desperate to meet him, Adrian Grenier. Who I saw once in a bar in Brooklyn, and yes he’s beautiful enough for everyone to keep validating his TV shows, and Britney Spears inspired movies. But all that un-guilty goodness aside, he actually has some interesting side projects. Please see his 11 producer credits on IMDB for a list of his other eco-docs. And also there is his band, The Honey Brothers, who unironically I say in the next sentence, that I saw live at Coachella once. I went to check them out because I had already seen him in that bar in Brooklyn up close, and I also wanted to observe how he handled his fame and looks around ordinary people. And even then seeing him humbly rock out on tamborine next to those more musically inclined but less famous friends of his, to a crowd as big as a headliner, is when I definitely realized that he’s one to use his fame for the good of all other mammals.  

Enter another famous, beautiful, Oscarless mammal: Leo DiCaprio, of Growing Pains fame. And the reason all of media is talking about our whale friend, “52″. Which can we start a kickstarter to rename him? I mean it’s just his situation, it’s not who he is people!  Adrian Grenier and his partner Joshua Zeman had been shopping their doc for a production home, and then finally took to Kickstarter to raise the money themselves. The fact that Leo generously donated 50,000 (probably one check, from one run of Titanic’s back-to-back cable marathon on Valentine’s Day), inspired badly written headlines featuring the word “bromance”, between two people who just actually give a genuine, gigantic shit about nature. So here’s hoping all those unhelpful headlines, actually help find our friend “52″, and end ocean noise pollution? Is that like light pollution? I guess we’ll find out thanks to Leo, and also a bunch of people who aren’t millionaires, but equally as kind and environmentally conscious as to donate over 350,000 on their own. Or maybe they are just huge Honey Brothers fans. 

If Frankie Barnacles fka “52″, is reading this, because he probably could I mean he is a whale; know that if we were a species intelligent enough to communicate with you that you would have many many friends. I would be your best one. I might not clean off your barnacles, but I promise to never freak out when you approach me, or judge you for aforementioned barnacles. I had pimples as a kid, I get skin issues. But I hope that you never give up on trying to find a family, and I also hope that your fellow mammals respect you and your less cool whale brethren, so that more of you are given the chance to survive in the hard seas that both life, and the sea bring. And now I am going to go cry for a year, who’s in?!  

Today I learned that 88 degrees can sometimes feel perfectly amazing, until you put on polyester pants. Don't do it. No matter how amazing they are, or how perfect they make your butt look.

Yesterday, because I need to delete some of the 8,000 blogs I have on here, I learned that Restaurant Week, which I also just learned is service marked, and I also learned that service marked means it is a trademark for a service. Three fer!  Anyway R.W., is this lovely concept in NYC, where the little person can go to really expensive restaurants, and still pay in relation to the quality of the choices provided, in my opinion, too much for a prix-fix meal. That bitterly said, the restaurants with smart marketing personnel do more than just try to get rid of their leftovers to unsuspecting tourists from my beloved home region, where yes, The Olive Garden was the fancy restaurant that sprinkled happy memories throughout my childhood. Say what you will about your East Coast Olive Gardens, because they suck.  But the ones back home don’t, so we know what good food tastes like!  Because we love food and we don’t require a imaginary badge of a made-up overly simplistic term to own that! Foodie?! Petoowie!  And also back to the point, we don’t need your dumbed down prix-fix!  Molecular Gastronomy was created in our house!!!

The whole point of this post used to be, that Restaurant Week is actually just under 3 weeks long.  Which is confusing.  Why so close to 3? But that weirdness aside, I guess I get why they still pertain to it as one week, because it obviously sounds pretty snazzy. And it’s service marked and that ain’t free, if done legally. But I feel like they moved away from the week thing a while ago, so maybe they should reslogan? Because people take stuff like a number of days, pretty literally round this here, entire world.  And also again, because it’s pretty much not even close to a week.