I unfortunately wonβt have therapy until the end of this month (I should have scheduled one earlier this month ugh lmao I thought one later this month would be better) so Iβm doing what my therapist suggested, write down all whatβs going through my head even if it doesnβt make sense to help bring myself back to reality. lol. Iβm very much lost in my own sauce of feelings and thoughts. itβs allllll about my ex again so ugh lmao. My main anxieties are just feelings about my ex and whatβs coming up this semester.
Iβm currently in my apartment in Iowa City since weβre about to start back up my usual routine. Iβve been here for almost two weeks now which is nice because Iβve been trying to take my time to relax and get myself mentally prepared for this upcoming semester. Iβm also low key glad Iβm having these overwhelming anxieties right now instead of later this week. I need to ask my therapist again what exactly I am feeling (if itβs like a panic attack because i truly dont know) because Iβve been feeling hella anxious the past few days (in general) and yesterday my anxiety was so intense that I barely ate and I felt sick to my stomach. idk if others have the same too but when I also get hella anxious, all I want to do is go to the bathroom so tmi lmao. I feel this way now and I just cannot stop crying so again, Iβm just writing everything thatβs going through my mind lmao.
#1) Related to my ex, heart break
Yeah.. I literally keep talking about this/him and Iβm glad I have multiple outlets that I can say whatβs going through my mind because if I keep these thoughts to myself, I keep spiraling. Iβm also very thankful I have multiple strong support systems from people where it truly doesnβt get annoying to them when I keep talking about him/my overall heart break/healing journey. I know I donβt want to burden my friends with my own thoughts (it can be a lot) so overall very thankful for friends, family, and my therapist lmao.Β
I think the last time I talked about my heart break was the letter I wrote to him. I wrote it and sent it to him lmao. I also wrote his mom a letter in Spanish because I want to stay connected with her and very thankful she reciprocates the same energy, Apparently, he never received the letter even though I sent it over 3 weeks ago, but anyways yeah thatβs a story I will tell later in this post. Anyways, itβs legit easier said than done to completely stop checking on his social media. I was doing great before winter break. Now that winter break has happened (still kind of is for a few more days), I have relapsed where I was checking very often. The break was great since I got to spend quality time with family, however, unfortunately being back in Wichita still floods a lot of my emotions where there are still a lot of memories of him and I that still makes me feel sad (luckily no longer sobbing about but I do still feel some type of way. Itβs getting better thankfully). It also hurts that heβs making new memories with his new girlfriend Kylie so I was def feeling all sorts of things. Sorry, Iβm trying to go onto chronologize order of events that have happened. Iβm jumping back and forth lmaoΒ
First, did I mention his mom called me the day before Christmas? I was SHOOOOOK when I saw her name on my phone. I legit froze because I wasnβt sure if it was actually her so I accidently missed her call. Iβm so glad she left a voicemail so I could listen first and immediately call her back LMAO. But basically, she wanted to check in to see how I was doing, wish me and my family a merry christmas/happy new year, and asked if I could come see her. We joked a bit back and forth like how she was learning English for me while Iβm learning Spanish for her. lmao. so after this phone call, I wrote her a letter to update her on what Iβve been doing. I wrote it all in Spanish since thatβs her primary language so thank god for google translate. overall, I told her about how Iβm about to earn my masters degree in may, Iβve lost now 30 lbs of weight/having a better relationship with food, how Iβm honestly still hurt about her son cheating on me (I was in my feels. You know if you ever get those feelings like you want your mom? She legit is like a mom to me since my mom isnβt an active part of my life so yeah I guess you can say I got mommy issues but anyways) I also told her that if sheβd still like me to come over, Iβd love to come over and see her.
Few days go by, Iβve been creeping onto his social media, it stings to see how he has flaunted his relationship with Kylie. It hurts because I keep playing this comparison game because he truly has NEVER allowed me to post about us and he would himself refuse to post about us on his social media. So, just to see how heβs been basically spending every single day with her and posting her throughout all of his social media, makes me feel an extreme type of way. during new years, she had a party at her house where it was him, her, his brother paco (which I was SHOOOK because she met paco and not everyone has ever met paco, who is his oldest brother), miguel and his girlfriend (both are super cute btw), Blake (surprisingly), and Erik. I felt some kind of way because obviously I know they would share a new years kiss even tho theyβve only been dating for literally a month. I dated him for 3 years and NEVER got a new years kiss (because he wanted to be with bros). Valentines day is coming up and itβd be theirΒ βtwo monthβ anniversary and I just KNOW heβd actually put EFFORT into spending that day with her. 3 years I dated this guy and he never ONCE did ANYTHING for me for valentines day. ok Iβm getting more hurt thinking how heβs treating his other girls better than me so anyways BACK TO THE TOPIC
few days go by and I got another call from his mom. I actually picked up this time because I was really excited to hear her voice again. I legit would die for this woman legit #1 mom. She asked if she could see me and I happily said yes. It really means a lot that she still gives me the same energy that she gave me when I was still dating her son. One of the hardest parts of us breaking up was the potential of losing his family too because they are all truly good people and I am NOT the CEO of letting people go lmao. okay back to subject, I had TONS of anxiety driving over to her house because I had so many thoughts. I asked on the phone if 1.) is Lalo there. She said no. 2.) Is Paco there. No, he apparently flew back to California that morning. I was low key hoping paco would be there still because it would be cool to catch up with him but anyways my main concern was if eduardo was there so since he wasnβt, I was likeΒ βok vroom vroom letβs goβ lmao. WOWOWOWWO seeing her just made my heart so happy. She def has a lot more gray hairs since the last time I saw her lmao sheβs the cutest anyways, Iβm really shook that HIS DAD FREAKING HUGGED ME. THIS MAN NEVER USUALLY HUGS ANYONEEEEEEEEEEE. Typically how we greet each other, itβs like a wave from a distance and we obvi acknowledge each other. so WOOOOW I was very thankful and shook he hugged me. Anyways, his mom showed me around the house with the Christmas decorations, I noticed her birds were still doing well, she even showed me her new plants she got lmao. We sat at the dining room table and talked and ate mexican snacks. She has broken English and I have broken Spanish so literally thank god for dualingo because it has helped me. I love how when we are together, we talk really slow and try to annunciate for each other LMAOOO. Anyways, THIS WOMAN ALSO GOT ME A STOCKING filled with Mexican Candy. omg this woman i love her so much. Anyways, I showed my tattoos to her and she legit wanted to murder me lmao but she says she likes them but hates them at the same time. She also sat me down and we had a serious conversation in terms of how she sees me. She said that I am no longer known as laloβs novia, what I am to her is a daughter. I am evelynβs sister and yo boi that got me crying in the club because thatβs what I would love to have, to maintain my relationship with them . Okay, to kind of speed things up, basically we kept talking about Evelynβs quinceanera thatβs happening this year AHHHHHH, dropped Evelyn off and her friend to a friendβs quince, and his mom took me to eat at paleterias tropicana where I tried elote for the first time and had a jugo verde WOOOOOW SOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD. literally cannot stop thinking about it. Anyways, random note, I noticed my old K-State beanie in the car and his mom said it was Evelynβs. It gave me a weird feeling because it was originally mine that he gifted me on our first Christmas together but obviously I knew he wouldnβt keep it so Iβm not suprised he gave it to Evelyn. It made me wonder then what did he do to the other gifts that he originally gave me but I gave it back to him once we broke up.. okay that was a tangent, anyways, that was it with the night with his mom and ughhh it was a really fun night and I really am looking forward to seeing her again.
Now fast forward to now-ish, me not doing good of not checking his social media, I got triggered because they now made itΒ βfacebook officlalβ that they are dating. it triggered me because again, he refused to publicize our relationship and it really threw me off that theyβve only been dating for a month (technically interested in each other since October, started dating November) and already publicizing they are together. they moving hella quick and basically, I got hella bitter. I felt reckless and I texted him. I KNOW I shouldnβt have texted him because I immediately felt a sense of regret after but also low key glad I did text him. ugh i hate me lmao. Anyways, i texted him and he asked if he could call me so I said yes. Luckily, the conversation was better than I expected because it was simply like two old friends catching up. It was a really good feeling even tho Iβm honestly still hurt about the way that he treated me. It caught me by suprised when he said that he has talked about me with Kylie and he actually stated that he knows what he did and feels regretful for the choices he made. That was a huge shocker and I do still have trust issues because I try to take things that he says with a grain of salt. He may be saying things to me that I want to hear but itβs not the truth so anyways lmao. Our conversation was good and it really got me thinking what exactly am I doing/how am I really feeling.
I really am happy for him. Yes iβm still deeply hurt and feel a type of way about how he treated me, but I canβt do anything about the past and all I can do is just simply be happy for him. I will always love him without a doubt, but he isnβt my person. I hope this doesnβt come off as selfish but he will never find someone better than me, he is simply finding someone better suited for him. What helps me the most about this is thinking about ME because thatβs the situation for him, however, I know I will find someone better than him because I deserve the best.
I felt bad for asking because I am just fucking nosy and Iβm glad he was okay with me asking about what happened with his relationship with Lila (the girl he left me for) and how did he start dating Kylie. He shared with with me that even though it was all great in the beginning with Lila (and let me tell you dude, he totally was hella infatuated with her lmao), they started becoming two different people. She apparently wasnβt emotionally there for him when he needed her (IRONICCCCCCCCCCCCC BECAUSE THATβS EXACTLY HOW HE WAS WITH ME THROUGHOUT OUR 3 YEARS TOGETHER) and she ended the relationship. It did make me sad to hear because everyone needs support and it is sad when you go to someone for support and they donβt give you it, ya know? anyways, he said with Kylie, theyβve been friends for two years (I knew who she was when we were together but theyβve always only been friends since they worked at the Sunflower together. This will sound extremely bad but I never thought about her being a girl to worry about because she did a lot ofΒ βwhiteβ things that we make fun of white people for and so it kind of shocked me that he is dating her now but anyways) apparently he said thatΒ βthey were hanging out and next thing he knows is that he kissed her and thatβs how they started dating.β dude didnβt want to go into detail which was fine but Iβm also in my head likeΒ βok lmao you literally just got broken up by your ex and then immediately start hanging out with another girl? okβ ANYWAYS, I really am happy for him and wish him the best.Β
It was cool to hear about what heβs hoping to do. He shared a lot more detail than usual which again caught me by surprise. Anyways, he shared that he is currently looking for a new place to live (a house to rent) somewhere in college hill (conveniently where Kylie also lives lmao) with Erik. He is also hoping to find another job soon because things at KWCH are no longer making him feel happier so heβs looking to see if he can work for a non-profit org which makes me happy for him because Iβd also want to do the same. If Iβm at a job where Iβm not excited to be, Iβd want to also try to make a switch. He also shared that junior (martin, his little brother) will be moving to Cali in May to move close to paco which wow made me really happy for them all. Anyways, he shared that he is hoping to stay in Wichita for about one more year and then possibly relocating to KC or somewhere in Oklahoma. i did encourage him KC because it seems that KC has much more opportunities than Wichita and Oklahoma. Only thing we both hate is driving in KC lmao
Okay, so overall, Iβm still really hurt about how our relationship was and how it ended but Iβm very grateful that Iβm doing what is best for me to make progress because this is not an overall easy thing to do, move on. I do feel low key embarrassed that I still am not over our break up but Iβm very glad that I know that He isnβt my person. we will and I cannot get back together with him even if he stated that he has βchangedβ Yes i invested so much in him to be my forever partner and it didnβt work out but thatβs okay. Iβm always willing to invest in people to be the best version of themselves and it really makes me happy to see people thrive. I truly cannot and will not take him back if there was ever a time where he wanted to give us a second try because I need to remember how he treated me. If he really was always thinking it was me, then he shouldnβt have cheated on me, treated me so poorly. Iβm okay with us remaining friends, but as partners in life? that isnβt it. I deserve so much better and the man of my dreams will come. Iβm 10000000% okay with being single because I know I need to work on myself so that I can be fully ready for my next. I really wish my next relationship is my one and only, but hey weβll see.Β
so this is already extremely long but Iβm very glad I got this all out of me. I know I have other anxieties such as starting school again, which will be my last semester before I earn my masters (FINALLY), RA training coming back up (so me working is coming back), JOB SEARCH. So much is coming up and AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I need to get my head into gear.Β


















