life stuff and scribbles

So this past Wednesday, we found out via a scan that we lost our baby. He stopped developing past approximately 12 weeks gestation, and the scan was a 14-week neuchal scan. I knew immediately seeing him on the screen, no movement at all. My heart totally sank. My body had continued to show normal pregnancy symptoms right up until the weekend before this scan, so I'd not thought too much honestly. It's only in hindsight that some things maybe indicated something had happened. But then now we we're faced with the reality that my body had not passed him, it was holding on.

I had to have a D&C procedure (a pretty straightforward day surgery) it went well.

I've been quite numb to everything thas been happening, I've been talking to friends and family as normal, quite matter-of-factly about the process. Like, idk I've put emotions on the back burner. My partner had been taking it quite hard the first few days. He's starting to come out a bit more now. He's been very supportive and caring throughout the whole thing.

I've slept and slept like I hadn't slept in years. I still feel exhausted, I think the reality is starting to hit me now that the process is over. But I still don't know what to feel.

Unfair. That's what comes to mind mostly.

That and how in experiencing this how apparently common it is. And then I just felt angry.

I learnt in these last few days that procedure I went through to remove him I apparently a procedure so common that it happens at that hospital roughly five times a day (my city is not a massive city.) And those are just the ones who choose the surgery. Other's use medications to try to pass naturally (this seemed too difficult for me to handle)

I learnt that both my grandmothers have been through this, and two of my aunties (before this, I only knew of one aunty) so yay I get some horrific family bonding over the apparent taboo subject everyone's been keeping under lock and key.

I don't like pretending bad things don't happen. I don't feel especially teary about it or like mentioning it will hurt me any more than just learning he was gone did.

I think talking to my mum about it helps most. She's not been through it herself, but she asks questions and listens to me talking it all out, I feel like it helps. Facts help, and she lets me just be factual

Everyone else talks to me about feelings, I don't know where I stand with feelings.

I wonder if we should even try again, or just be happy and grateful that we have one beautiful child here with us.