Rough night vent
i’m pretty sure my body just fucking hates me...
Tics
people say to me “omg it would be so cool to have tics!” please don’t say that, it’s not cool, or fun. it’s so hard do anything right the first time. i have bruises all over my body from hitting myself from tics. there are even nights (like tonight) where i can barely function. sometimes my tics get so bad and overwhelming they give me panic attacks. my tics are even WORSE when I’m having a panic attack, one of my tics is hitting my head REALLY hard and scratching my arm till it bleeds, and i can’t control it that well, even at all(this edit here was put after i wrote all of this, but I’ve rewritten this about 10 times cause of my tics)
Little space
When i tell people i have a little space, they immediately think of ag3play and its not anything like ag3play, i use this as a coping mechanism. age regression is all teddy bears and Disney movies either. it’s the worst when it gets triggered because of something negative. i sit in my room with paci in my mouth struggling to calm done, especially when my caregiver isn’t home. my cg doesn’t even know about my tics... it’s always a scare when i ‘m at my parents house and i can hear peoples door open and I’m in little space and i have a pacifier in my mouth crying and i have to brush off what happened because i don’t want people to know. like i said, age regression isn’t all it’s cut out to be, most of the reasons people have little spaces it’s because of trauma, I’m not going to say what my trauma was, but it was triggered today right after my gf left. so i sat in my bed, in a ball crying.. yeah todays been really long. i’m currently listening to a little space comfort audio, so i can try to calm my tics. i gave up after about 5 minutes cause i was getting to emotional and switched to tiktok
Panic attacks
one of my attacks the other night was triggered by a fucking hawks art thing... I’m really disappointed in my self, i broke down crying right after that when is saw a tiktok that was about “if kaminari is your comfort character imma just assume a few things,” and they then proceeded to name my biggest insecurities, and what made it worse was the fact that i was desperately missing my gf/cg and the song was,” I'm Mr. lover man man... and i miss my lover man” and i criedj and had on and off panic attacks all night. sometimes I’ll give myself give myself a panic attack so that i can get to the numb feeling i get afterwards
My gender
i am a gender fluid/trans disaster... and i just stared my period and i wanna die, it is the time that give me the most dysphoria in the ENTIRE world. i always feel like shit, cause I'm anemic, and my life line is my heat pack, and sometimes that doesn’t even work. i sit at the computer watching YouTube and reading on Wattpad basically all night crying and clinging to my stuffies. and all i want to do is sleep but i have insomnia so that isn’t happening tonight. (currently is is almost 2 am) my cramps are a B*itch, OH AND GUESS WHAT BECUASE EVERYTHING IS FUCCN SORE I CAN’T WEAR MY FUCCN BINDER
Dyslexia
a ton of people don't believe me when i say I’m dyslexic. i literally can’t read for long amounts of time or my head will explode. it give me migraines and i feel like a half blood... sometimes i wish i was just blind, I’m currently live off of yagami yato cause i don’t have to do anything with my eyes..... someone just kill me already.
(i’ve been writing this for over an hour....)
i might do more venting, have a nice night
