Sits down.

You know the more I do thinking and therapy the more I realized just how heavily my ex partners abused and manipulated me and it turns out I repressed way more than I thought

I was taken advantage of while drugged several times over, new kinks being added without my explicit sober consent. First time sex was initiated when we were crossfaded, as we'd said no every other time before. We were told the only way the relationship we were in would work is if we allowed our sexual boundaries to be pushed and despite not being ready, were told if we wanted to have sex with one of our partners again we would have to finally agree to a threesome which definitely would've actually happened had things not ended as quickly as they did after that.

Examining the fact that they both called a breach of consent "not a big deal" and acted as though fucking next to me when I was asleep when I said that made me uncomfortable was, in the end, just a misunderstanding and not serious is so weird because every single person I tell that story to, therapist doctor or friend, they say it falls into the category of full ignorance of consent and could be considered sexual harassment.

Over our time with out exes our body was cut, we were purposefully mislead and misinformed about bdsm, were taken advantage of financially and cohersed into fraud and frivolous money spending. Undiagnosed disorders were used to explain away abusive and cold behaviors. One of our ex partners put their position as a psychologist over us, telling us what was wrong with us and how to fix it while one or both of our ex partners would exhibit similar or worse behavior

When we told one of partner twos (who split to the brother of our d&d character) alters that our introject was starting to have feelings for his twin brother not only was the relationship encouraged immediately, but our introject was told that the night prior his brother had jacked off to fantasies of him. This brother encouraged codependency and later harshly withdrew it before stonewalling, like an abuser would. But what I think is the most fucked up is that our first time having sex with their system (after saying we weren't super ready yet- after they had already violated our consent by trying to fuck our other partner next to us sleeping) was crossfaded and in public. He took the cigarette out of our introject's hand, pushed him down, kissed him, and initiated. While we didn't say no, the introject felt pressured. Our hypersexuality was triggered enormously after that with intense periods of need and repulsion.

But like legitimately past all the sex we keep thinking about how frequently the excuses of having undiagnosed (and unmanaged) narcissism and aspd were used. My system firmly firmly believes that disorders do not define a person and villianizing someone with disorders is horrible and wrong but it was constantly not only an excuse to begin treating us more poorly, but an excuse to other us. Almost immediately, it was our fault that we weren't like them and "couldn't understand us like we understand each other" because I didn't have aspd (but they said that they could understand me just fine). And I get that sometimes things have to end but my fucking God imagine abandoning someone during a suicidal psychotic spiral imagine telling them they should've gotten admitted by telling the nurse about your torture room like they weren't the ones that had them. If it weren't for the loveliest kindest system (and now partner) we've ever met, we would no longer be here. I think they probably would've considered that an achievement, I don't know. I don't really care at this point.

My biggest like. What makes me feel sick to my stomach every time I think about it is the aforementioned torture rooms they have inside their heads. They've gleefully talked to me about how in their headspaces, they violently maim and kill the people they dislike or who made them upset. They've told me the kinds of things they do- how partner two's ex husband was frequently murdered in there. It. Eugh. I know that I'm in there- several of us probably. There's no way they wouldn't.

I was also. Set up as a financial abuser? Despite always always making sure that the funds partner 1 and I shared were known as ours. We tried to make budgeting decisions to be adult and always asked for input about buying things and that was heavily taken advantage of especially when we came into a life changing amount of money. Before that, though, our abusers had finally convinced us to cut our parents off and file as independent. With the help of a college resource worker, I got thousands. We were quickly taken by them to set up a new bank account and then the spending began. Every time we would worry or feel reluctant to spend any more, we would be encouraged to not look and just have fun. We bought them expensive dinners, a nintendo switch, anything they wanted. We bought a van to live in even when they likely knew they wouldn't be sticking around much longer. I wonder if partner two triggered my mania on purpose sometimes but I don't think so. What I do think is that he shouldn't have a psychology degree as a narcissist with aspd God forbid be working around/with impressionable youth. I admit to giving him permission to analyze me because it seemed fun and I trusted him. But that trust was so severely mishandled, I'm still grappling with it a little now. I was constantly told when I was doing something wrong and why psychologically I was doing it. And then told to fix it. "Not immediately but we can work on it" type beat. And I just. I can't put to words the way that I was manipulated with that.

I think back a lot to the time before partner one moved in now- when we were online and mutually obsessed and all that. I remember suggesting he attend my college. I remember hyping it up. I remember also constantly asking if he was sure. It was a lot of student debt- a lot to ask. He made that decision but now it's my fault. I made him come. I made him stay. He made a lot of promises and I know I did too but he promised he would get a job and he didn't. He didn't when his student loans fell through. He stayed in my dorm with me. And I did some desperate things in that time. I let my rich roommate (silicone valley millionaire kid) do horrible creepy shit to me so her parents would pay off his debt. He never agreed to it, I was pushy and that's on me- but God. I saved him 48k in debts and sacrificed a lot to do so. He got a job but his id was expired so I got his ass to his hometown to renew his ID... he got one job afyer and both partner 2 and I made him quit because it was killing him. He didn't get a job after that, and he said he was trying but not one time was he interviewed. I had to support us on around $400 a month with my part time on campus job. He got a job immediately after leaving.

Sits down.

You know the more I do thinking and therapy the more I realized just how heavily my ex partners abused and manipulated me and it turns out I repressed way more than I thought

I was taken advantage of while drugged several times over, new kinks being added without my explicit sober consent. First time sex was initiated when we were crossfaded, as we'd said no every other time before. We were told the only way the relationship we were in would work is if we allowed our sexual boundaries to be pushed and despite not being ready, were told if we wanted to have sex with one of our partners again we would have to finally agree to a threesome which definitely would've actually happened had things not ended as quickly as they did after that.

Examining the fact that they both called a breach of consent "not a big deal" and acted as though fucking next to me when I was asleep when I said that made me uncomfortable was, in the end, just a misunderstanding and not serious is so weird because every single person I tell that story to, therapist doctor or friend, they say it falls into the category of full ignorance of consent and could be considered sexual harassment.

Over our time with out exes our body was cut, we were purposefully mislead and misinformed about bdsm, were taken advantage of financially and cohersed into fraud and frivolous money spending. Undiagnosed disorders were used to explain away abusive and cold behaviors. One of our ex partners put their position as a psychologist over us, telling us what was wrong with us and how to fix it while one or both of our ex partners would exhibit similar or worse behavior

When we told one of partner twos (who split to the brother of our d&d character) alters that our introject was starting to have feelings for his twin brother not only was the relationship encouraged immediately, but our introject was told that the night prior his brother had jacked off to fantasies of him. This brother encouraged codependency and later harshly withdrew it before stonewalling, like an abuser would. But what I think is the most fucked up is that our first time having sex with their system (after saying we weren't super ready yet- after they had already violated our consent by trying to fuck our other partner next to us sleeping) was crossfaded and in public. He took the cigarette out of our introject's hand, pushed him down, kissed him, and initiated. While we didn't say no, the introject felt pressured. Our hypersexuality was triggered enormously after that with intense periods of need and repulsion.

But like legitimately past all the sex we keep thinking about how frequently the excuses of having undiagnosed (and unmanaged) narcissism and aspd were used. My system firmly firmly believes that disorders do not define a person and villianizing someone with disorders is horrible and wrong but it was constantly not only an excuse to begin treating us more poorly, but an excuse to other us. Almost immediately, it was our fault that we weren't like them and "couldn't understand us like we understand each other" because I didn't have aspd (but they said that they could understand me just fine). And I get that sometimes things have to end but my fucking God imagine abandoning someone during a suicidal psychotic spiral imagine telling them they should've gotten admitted by telling the nurse about your torture room like they weren't the ones that had them. If it weren't for the loveliest kindest system (and now partner) we've ever met, we would no longer be here. I think they probably would've considered that an achievement, I don't know. I don't really care at this point.

My biggest like. What makes me feel sick to my stomach every time I think about it is the aforementioned torture rooms they have inside their heads. They've gleefully talked to me about how in their headspaces, they violently maim and kill the people they dislike or who made them upset. They've told me the kinds of things they do- how partner two's ex husband was frequently murdered in there. It. Eugh. I know that I'm in there- several of us probably. There's no way they wouldn't.

I was also. Set up as a financial abuser? Despite always always making sure that the funds partner 1 and I shared were known as ours. We tried to make budgeting decisions to be adult and always asked for input about buying things and that was heavily taken advantage of especially when we came into a life changing amount of money. Before that, though, our abusers had finally convinced us to cut our parents off and file as independent. With the help of a college resource worker, I got thousands. We were quickly taken by them to set up a new bank account and then the spending began. Every time we would worry or feel reluctant to spend any more, we would be encouraged to not look and just have fun. We bought them expensive dinners, a nintendo switch, anything they wanted. We bought a van to live in even when they likely knew they wouldn't be sticking around much longer. I wonder if partner two triggered my mania on purpose sometimes but I don't think so. What I do think is that he shouldn't have a psychology degree as a narcissist with aspd God forbid be working around/with impressionable youth. I admit to giving him permission to analyze me because it seemed fun and I trusted him. But that trust was so severely mishandled, I'm still grappling with it a little now. I was constantly told when I was doing something wrong and why psychologically I was doing it. And then told to fix it. "Not immediately but we can work on it" type beat. And I just. I can't put to words the way that I was manipulated with that.

I think back a lot to the time before partner one moved in now- when we were online and mutually obsessed and all that. I remember suggesting he attend my college. I remember hyping it up. I remember also constantly asking if he was sure. It was a lot of student debt- a lot to ask. He made that decision but now it's my fault. I made him come. I made him stay. He made a lot of promises and I know I did too but he promised he would get a job and he didn't. He didn't when his student loans fell through. He stayed in my dorm with me. And I did some desperate things in that time. I let my rich roommate (silicone valley millionaire kid) do horrible creepy shit to me so her parents would pay off his debt. He never agreed to it, I was pushy and that's on me- but God. I saved him 48k in debts and sacrificed a lot to do so. He got a job but his id was expired so I got his ass to his hometown to renew his ID... he got one job afyer and both partner 2 and I made him quit because it was killing him. He didn't get a job after that, and he said he was trying but not one time was he interviewed. I had to support us on around $400 a month with my part time on campus job. He got a job immediately after leaving.