🤍Olive 🤍

I hate myself more and more everyday. every single day im reminded of just how fucking useless I am.

I work, I come home, more work, more demands, more more more.

my dad wants me awake and doing shit at 6am after working till well after ten.

My siblings can do whatever the fuck they want but me? Forget about it.

I want to go to the aquarium for my birthday. MY birthday. My BIRTHDAY.

Somehow that’s asking too fucking much. Just one day. Nothing else. Somehow im the selfish one. To the aquarium to look at my favorite fish.

I try to tell people things, they get so fucking confused on why im telling them, then they get mad at me when I don’t tell them things.

They say we don’t communicate, then get pissed at when I do.

They get mad when im downstairs, they’re mad when im in my room.

Sometimes I just wish I wasn’t here. Sometimes I wish I could vanish.

I always seem to ruin things for everyone. Even the love of my life.

They say I can vent, that I can talk about anything, but when I do,, they seem disturbed. Like I over shared. And I probably did.

I will always be a safe space for them. I will always be there. But I just feel useless when they tell me their problems and I can’t do anything to fix it.

Maybe,, just maybe I want to be accepted too.

is that selfish of me..?

part of me wants to be pretty and wear sweet dresses and wear what I want, but I know that’s far too selfish

I’m so fucking tired of hurting people who care about me.

I’m so fucking tired.

I’m burnt out beyond repair and rest. I’m falling apart and nothing can fix me.

I am- in fact- a terrible person.

I hurt others. I know this. I want this all to stop.

they say the can help, that they love me so much, but I can never be fixed. Nothing can or will.

Even with a friend and a partner whom love me so much, I feel so fucking alone.

I went to my friends house for a sleepover yesterday, a functional house, two parents whom love their daughter so dearly, whom love each other so much.

I sat down with them. I had fucking pancakes with them. They treat me so nicely. I can’t help but want what she has.

I want to hug sparrow, I don’t deserve it, but I want it so bad…

on the other hand- I want to push them away. I don’t want them getting hurt by me again and again, so quick to forgive me.

I hate myself more than anything in this world. I love them more than anything.

all I want to do is curl up and cry. I’m so far beyond help.

I’m a fucking failure. I got called the r-slur at work, on my first day. And no matter where I go, or what I do- I will always be reminded of my disability.

I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t leave- they have so much going on and they are counting on me.