if we could take it all off and just exist

The problem is financial .. I need money but I can't find a job that fits with my conditions. Not necessarily physical ones, just all the jobs that I want requires first years experience and most of time they ask for B.A. and I'm still a student and it's my last year . And I don't want to ask for my mom's help because she herself has also struggles with the money ..

Everything now is expensive and I'm really trying to minimize my personal expenses but sometimes I fail 🙃

I thought about making the tip for my blog but I really hate the idea of it because it's not right to make profits in this because it's not like Instagram or YouTube. It's personal and I mean it in a way to say that it's not about me or my personal life and it's more about the things I like or the fandom that I'm a part of. I also thought about opening a Kofi account for well gif sets and maybe some short fics but I'll be kidding about myself if I'll say that I'm well perfectionist in this matter. I don't think I have a right to ask for money to make an amateur writer or gifmaker.

I just feel so lost... and I just want someone to tell me that everything will be OK, eventually.

Also the situation in my country is so messed up. I'm scared of what could be happening if things are continuing going as is it.

I'm new to this so please know that you don't have to help me if you can't or want.

learning how to photoshop with my fave characters

I LOVED that the ep showed us how Eddie wasn’t doing compressions on Buck because someone instructed him to. No, he just couldn’t stand by, couldn’t let someone else try to bring his partner back to life, so he announced he was taking over, fuck anyone who would try to stop him. No one even tries to, they wordlessly acknowledge Eddie as Buck’s mad with worry partner, much like how in 315, the team treated Buck while Eddie was in danger. And then Eddie shocks Buck’s heart back and gets his pulse going again. Eddie literally kept Buck’s heart going, and then he was still so distraught that he yelled at the medical staff (even though as a medic, he knows it’s pointless), “Do more!” ‘Coz that’s what Eddie himself was doing, he stepped in and did more than he was asked to, a continuation of us having seen him doing exactly that in 610 as well, when he didn’t wait for Bobby to decide what to do to help Buck, Eddie charged up an electrocuted ladder he was just thrown off of. Because when it comes to Buck, he will always do more. ~~

The significance of the bond between them is also shown when Eddie is the first flashback Buck experiences within the coma dream, the first lifeline to the real world. That’s continued when the second flashback is to the tsunami, where Buck saved Chris. However, Eddie and Chris aren’t quite present in these flashbacks. Buck’s subconscious is at war with itself. The Diaz boys are this powerful connection to the real world (much like Buck and Chris were Eddie’s back in 315, as I tried to demonstrate in this gifset), but the coma dream shows the power of childhood trauma and how much we can be trapped by the desire to fix it. The whole dream contrasts Buck having parents who are loving, who want and appreciate him, with everything bad that would happen if he weren’t with the 118. As the dream goes on, the price keeps getting higher, yet Buck still struggles until the very end with letting go of the illusion that his parents love him, and the sense he himself can be fixed if they do, like he’d then finally feel good enough. That’s why, in a sense, Eddie and Chris have to be more absent than present for the coma dream to be seductive. Because if they’re fully present, if he truly engages with their coma versions and remembers the family unit he has outside the dream, the balance would be tipped over, the battle would have been decided before Buck had a chance to learn his lesson.

That’s why he only hears what happened to Eddie, he doesn’t witness it firsthand, and why when the dream’s seductive nature is failing, suddenly Chris is there (despite his coma version not being in LA) to tempt Buck into staying. Even then, walking away from the dream version of Chris while telling him that he’s not real is the only thing Buck says he’ll always feel guilty about. ~~ 

I just gotta include a small note here on how much I love the progression we’ve had from Bobby saying in 101 that while Buck calls him “pops,” they’re not a family, through Buck telling TK aloud that Bobby’s basically his dad (in the crossover) to Bobby finally admitting this is true for him as well. I’ve pointed out this season repeatedly (like in my 610 meta) that the show’s dealing with questions of fatherhood, including the question of biology in that context, and this ep was no different, yet this truly was one of the highlights for me when it comes to this theme. I love how much Buck and Bobby mean to each other. ~~ 

Buck’s mom saying “your kids” and Buck being confused until she clarifies it’s not his actual children, it’s his students, then his disappointment, that’s one loose end that the ep didn’t wrap up, because that is a continuation of the whole sperm donor situation (with Margaret once more being at the center of confusion on whether Buck is a dad or not). This one is only going to be really addressed once Buck fully deals with his role in Connor and Kameron’s baby’s life, something he can’t properly do until he also faces his role in Christopher’s, a role that this ep really emphasized. No other kids were by Buck’s bed, not even May who has free access as a legal adult and who has now admitted she knows Buck is her step dad’s other kid. Chris needs his Buck in a way that no other firefam kid does. ~~ 

Which brings me to the heart wrenching fate we (and Buck) learn the Diaz boys have suffered in his absence. I have mentioned countless times in my meta posts how important I believe 204 was to Buddie. How critical Buck’s decision to step into Eddie’s mess with him was. Not once, but twice in that ep, first when he helps Eddie by talking to Bobby about Chris spending the day at the station with the 118, then when Buck introduces Eddie to Carla. I have always said Eddie was very attracted (and not just physically) to Buck from the start, but Eddie’s Christopher’s dad first, so he never would have been able to fall for anyone who doesn’t also love his son as much as he does. In other words, I’ve always thought the heart eyes Eddie gives Buck at the end of the Carla introduction scene, that was the moment when he was gone. And now we learn how meaningful Buck himself knows that was. Without that happening, his subconscious just knows Eddie’s parents would have succeeded with their threat of getting Chris away from his dad, leading to Eddie completely falling apart. Buddie’s tale is a love story, and this coma revelation is basically the show telling us Buck’s subconscious already knows this. ~~ 

Eddie’s reactions in the real world are also a reflection of how important Buddifer’s little family unit is to all three of them. Keep in mind, even with his therapy, Eddie is still a reserved guy, right? He normally remains calm in the face of adversity, it takes a lot to rattle him, he doesn’t easily get to the point where he falls apart emotionally. When he does in this ep, he only allows himself to when his son is looking away. And even then, he just can’t go on answering Christopher’s questions about Buck’s state. So it highlights how important Buck is to Eddie, when the latter DOES fall apart. When he jumps in to take care of Buck on the gurney as it’s wheeled into the hospital. When he shouts at the medical staff. When he looks so wrecked at the hospital, close to what previously it took weeks of insomnia to do to him. When he can’t look at Buck’s comatose body or stop himself from crying while he listens to Chris speaking or bring himself to be strong for his son and answer him. And of course, when the reserved Eddie goes against hospital regulations and parental common sense (to keep your kid away from disturbing sights), sneaking his son in to see Buck. But Eddie does it because he gets it. When Chris says he needs to talk to Buck, Eddie knows the full weight of this, because it’s his truth, too. Both Diaz boys need their Buck to wake up. So everything Chris is saying, all the comfort he’s offering, along with the insistence that Buck MUST return to them? He’s speaking for Eddie as well. ~~ 

I also liked that Buck realized during his coma dream two truths that seem, but are not, mutually exclusive: that he does have a family worth going back for, but that ultimately, he’s returning for himself. He’s not trying to please anyone else, he’s not trying to get anyone else’s approval. His adoptive family matters to him, even his bio parents who have failed him repeatedly matter, but at the end of the day, he’s not going back because his loved ones do or don’t need him, do or don’t accept him, do or don’t approve of him. He’s going back because he loves them and he wants to be with them. And that ties in with another thing we see in this ep. 

Bobby describes the coma dream as a world where Buck can fix everything. Buck says not all, seemingly implying he couldn’t bring Bobby back from the dead. But that’s not actually true, is it? ‘Coz the coma world is Buck’s subconscious, it can be altered in whatever way he wants. Bobby can be there and talk to him despite being “dead” which means… he’s not really dead, not in the way that makes death so tragic, depriving us of our loved ones. Chris can be at the hospital, despite not being in LA and not knowing Buck. It’s a coma dream, there are no rules! Buck’s subconscious is king! And we know how important it is for Buck to fix things, Eddie pointed it out in 504, and we saw a callback to this just last week. The climax of this ep is even set against the musical backdrop of Coldplay’s Fix You. But this trait stems from Buck feeling like he needs to fix things, to be the hero, in order to be worthy of love. In the coma, Buck realizes he IS loved. And therefore, he doesn’t need to fix EVERYTHING in order to make a difference and be deserving of love. He IS enough, exactly as he is, limited fixing possibilities and all. That’s how he gets to choose both his loved ones and himself in coming back to reality. ~~ 

Oh, can we talk about the heart drawings scene from 514 and how it relates to this ep? I recently answered an ask about it, and pointed out I think Eddie’s heart has been Chris for years now, and for a long time, it was only him. But that scene showed how, thanks to the way Buck has been there for both of them along the years, helping, healing and loving them, Eddie’s heart is no longer exclusively his son. It’s Buck, too. Which explains why the heart theme we’ve been seeing with Eddie since 413 has expanded to include Buck’s in this ep, with Eddie literally restarting it. So 611 really affirms who Eddie’s heart now belongs to. We see how, without Buck, he would have lost Chris as well. Without Buck, he would have lost his whole heart. ~~ 

And that brings us of course to what kind of a person Eddie would be once that happened. We learn he would have become this angry man, drawing on his reaction during the lawsuit story arc. But notice that in both cases, a part of the issue causing Eddie’s anger is not having Buck. Yes, back in s3 Eddie was dealing with Shannon’s death, but he doesn’t really start losing it until he also can no longer speak to Buck. Similarly, in the coma dream, he becomes Angry Guy due to the loss of Chris, but that is tied in with the absence of Buck in his life. In other words, losing Buck causes Eddie SUCH grief, that it has no other way out except for rage. ~~ 

Did you notice how once again, Buck got to be Madney’s truth teller? He did that first in 208, when he realized Madney are basically dating. Interestingly, everything he told Maddie about them was also true for him and Eddie. Then in this ep, he tells Chim Madney basically should be married, since they already share every other part of domestic and committed life. Obviously this will come into play soon. So just remember that once again, his words can be easily applied to Buddifer as well, plus Buck’s truth teller status was paralleled back in s2 with Maddie in 204, when she asked her brother about his newfound boy crush on Eddie… ~~ 

Okay, last one, but I just had to share with you maybe my fave parallel from this ep. You might have noticed in my 610 meta how much I think the lightning stroke parallels the shooting arc. Well, this was true with one of the sweetest moments in the ep’s conclusion. Just like how, at the end of 414, we got to witness Eddie hugging Chris while Buck watched on, so we get to see Buck hugging their son while Eddie looks on now. Except Eddie isn’t just looking. He enables the hug by helping Chris into Buck’s arms. Tell me again: how is this not a family? How are these men not partners, dedicated and loving towards each other in every way that matters…? ~~ 

This episode is basically Buck's little wish. And it's kind of represents the little boy that kept inside Buck. He wanted to be loved unconditionally and be seen just for who he is. Even the fact that he was sitting in the middle of the couch, between Philip and Daniel, is a parallel for Christopher in the middle of the couch. In order to empower the unconditionally love he was feeling at the time just like Christopher was loved by Eddie and Buck.

But I think there's something more deeply than that, perhaps he wish that life would be simpler and not having to analyze everything or deal with some sort of fears or dark thoughts. Or maybe the coma dream is to show us his deepest fear, which is being alone, being left behind. But with the time, he understood that he has so much meaning to the world, to the universe if I may say.

The thing with the flowers is significant to Buck. It's meaning happiness and joy and it could be for Buck to show that he is finding happiness, as in the process of searching for it, still kept in his mind the last words of Lev in 6x01. But also the flowers is representing the happiness and the joy that Buck brings to the other people surrounding him. He’s the flowers, he's the the happiness and joy.

He is basically the beating heart of the universe. Well some may he's the half of the heart and he still needs to find the other half..

Speaking of the other half, there's something intentionally that Eddie remained faceless and far away in Buck's coma dream. And even more intentionally in Buck's apartment. There's is so memories of them , the day after the tsunami when Eddie told him he trusted him more than anyone, the video game when Eddie and Christopher were there sitting on the couch. Something about it just tells me that maybe he is afraid to admit that Eddie and Christopher are his happiness. His family that he's been searching for. It tells me that his mind has a long process to catch what's his heart wants and who it was been beating for all those years.

Now, about Buck's recovery in his apartment. I agree that it was a bit disappointing but I think this kind of breaking point or turning point in Buck's development. Because we get to see that Buck didn't change the armchair, that he didn't bought a new couch for himself. So that could be mean he wasn't ready to open his heart and still stand up for himself. That he still wonder what's his purpose for his love.

they mean so much to me it’s unreal

Nancy’s hyper sensitivity to Robin’s coordination

Holy shit, this ep.

Okay, what shall we start with? Maybe with what 911 itself starts, lots of foreshadowing. At the beach call, we have Eddie looking at Buck and replying to him (about the lightning), “I really hope it doesn’t strike twice, though.” Which, of course we know it will. But the foreshadowing continues, as Buck talks to Omar about unexpected things in life coming out of nowhere. That suggests we need to pay extra attention to other elements in this ep that might act as foreshadowing for later events along 6b. ~~

That kind of connects to me with Buck being closely tied to Ely, the pregnant lady (he saves the day there twice, first by realizing the oil is dripping and if they use the saw, it might prove fatal, then by helping Bobby with the baby). First off, it made me chuckle when we learned that, despite being driven to the hospital by a man, he’s actually not her partner. 911 made sure we knew Ely has a wife, and that she has another kid with her. Is it a coincidence when Buck, who practically has a husband and a kid with him already, is the main firefighter taking care of her? Maybe, but it still amused me. What really made me take note is when he told her not to push, trying to stall her childbirth, and she replied that it doesn’t depend on her. That made me wonder if perhaps this is also in a way foreshadowing what we might end up seeing with the sperm donation storyline. I’m not sure, I can’t be, but I was not surprised to see that storyline brought up later in the ep. ~~

In general, this ep’s title, “In a Flash,” might seem to refer to the lightning storm the team experiences, but the real tempest is the havoc our families can wreak on us, tied to the unexpected nature change can sometimes take on. Chim’s dad suddenly shows up, raining on his parade. Albert suddenly thinks Chim should give their dad a chance to be Jee Yun’s grandpa, but decides against giving his brother a warning. The Buckley parents are suddenly making an effort, yet leaving everyone suspicious and unnerved. Albert suddenly leaks Buck’s sperm donation to everyone and unleashes hell between the in-laws. Denny’s changes, probably influenced by getting in touch with his dad, come as a surprise to Hen. And of course, at the climax of the ep, Bobby as the unofficial adoptive father of Buck might lose his son in a flash. The whole ep is filled with these parallels of abrupt familial disquiet, especially in relation to dads, on all 118 fronts. And as Buck deals with maybe the biggest of these questions, because he doesn’t even yet know what he wants for himself and how does the life he helped create (but only as a donor) fit into that, it’s no wonder his life ends up hanging literally in the balance. ~~

One of the most painful things in this ep for me was seeing how much Buck’s parents are willing to accept him as a donor, because not for a second do they think he can be a father. That would be the natural conclusion from him looking at a sonogram on his phone, but his parents find it easier to believe their daughter is pregnant again than to think Buck would be a dad (ironic, because he already is one. Just not to the baby in the sonogram). It reminded me of how Eddie’s parents also didn’t believe in his ability to be a dad, and actively petitioned to have Chris taken from him to be raised by them in 315. It amazes me every time anew just how much Buddie are compatible, because their stories parallel so much that they can understand each other in ways most other people can’t. ~~

And it gets to me that this whole episode also insists on reminding us how good Buck is with kids, first with the ones on the beach, calming them down and answering their questions to help them make sense of the whole ordeal. Then with Ely’s baby, a callback to how we saw him with the pipe baby in 101. It connects to him looking at the baby sonogram, all excited, once again acting so much like an expectant dad would (parallel to him and the firefighter onesie in 609), when we know he’s not actually going to be that baby’s father. It very much does feel like 911 is signaling to us Buck has some realizations coming his way in this context. ~~

Speaking of the kids on the beach, Buck telling the boy he wants to fix everything, then adding that Buck gets it, had me screaming into my fists, because hey, remember who said that to Buck? That’s right, his Eddie, back in 504. A reminder of how much Eddie sees Buck, accepts him and allows him to be himself, enabling Buck in turn to reflect that back to that kid. Of course, in the context of the sperm donation, Buck’s tendency made him want to help “fix” things for Connor and Kameron, and we might learn in 6b that Buck comes to realize he sometimes lets this tendency take him to places that aren’t actually good for him, without fully considering the consequences, and then hopefully, he’ll get to find a way to balance this, to be himself, but not derailed from his life goals by this part of himself. ~~

At the same time that the ep shows us how good Buck is with kids, it also serves to remind us of the one kid that we’ve seen him co-parent all along, the one who has always demonstrated what a good, loving dad Buck is, Christopher. Yes, when we see Buck working on his cooking with Bobby, it’s a part of the many parallels revolving around dads in this ep, so Buck and Bobby’s r/s is the immediate focus, but at the same time, we know who Buck is learning this FOR. Lazania kitchen scene from 601, anyone? Oh, but the best part? It’s when Buck tells Bobby, “Something’s missing.” He can’t quite put the finger on what, but he knows something in his domesticity isn’t fully there. I wonder what, Buck… And this is again in an ep full of foreshadowing! ~~

It may seem like a minor thing, but remember how in my past meta, I was more or less losing it over the many times Buck and Eddie did rope rescues together as their own team within the 118 team, even having their assigned roles where Eddie connects Buck to the line and then becomes an anchor himself to keep Buck safe, to the point where I wrote a smut fic involving this very meaningful act? Yeah, so imagine me seeing that the most intense Buddie call we’ve had since the end of 413 starts with them doing this subtextually intimate thing, Eddie hooking Buck up to the rope, becoming his literal life line, and even teasingly calling him “cowboy” while at it. No, I was not breathing for a full minute at least. ~~

But since I brought up the shooting in 413, can we talk about the insanity of the parallels? Take the meaningful staring once disaster strikes. Back in s4, it was mutual, right before Eddie collapsed. In 610, Buck is unconscious, so you wouldn’t think they could stare at each other at this moment, right? Plus, back in 413, it was just the two of them present at the scene out of the 118, the other members of the team weren’t there. The lightning strike seems a lot less intimate in comparison… But in this ep, the camera plays a role in recreating that same dynamic, singling out the connection between Buddie. Because when Buck is hit by lightning, we get shots of every 118 member looking up and being terrified of what just happened to their friend.

The only exception in terms of this shot? Eddie. He’s the only one that isn’t being filmed from the side as he looks up, he’s filmed from above as he looks straight into the camera. Essentially, the shot recreates Buck’s POV for Eddie, and for him alone. It shows us what Buck would see and how he would stare down, back at Eddie, if he only could. The fact that the camera has to do this instead of Buck himself further emphasizes the horror of Buck being unconscious, but the choice to do this only with Eddie highlights their connection and makes it clear that Buddie’s bond IS different to what the other team members have with Buck, no matter how close the others are to him or how much they love him. What’s insane is that DESPITE having all of the 118 there, there is still a bubble within this whole situation that is Buddie and Buddie’s alone, even as Buck himself is unconscious. It’s no wonder Eddie jumps up that electrocuted ladder without even thinking about it, it’s no wonder no one even tries to stop him or warn him of the danger in that. That is a man on a mission to save the other half of him, and the show tells us that in more than one way.

That’s gonna continue through Eddie’s attempts (and eventual success) in getting Buck away from immediate danger, as well as when the team tries but then fails to revive Buck, because Eddie will be the one to push past Bobby to see Buck, and Eddie will be the one Bobby has to keep in line by assigning him driving duty, maybe the most important thing anyone can do for Buck once all the medical assistance they can give him in the field is of no further use. ~~

One more thing regarding the comparison with the shooting arc in s4, as well as talking about camera shots, is that we get to see the difference between a platonic friend resuscitating his teammate and a man desperately trying to keep the love of his life alive. If you look at Chim doing compressions on Buck, he’s giving it his all, because he DOES love Buck, Chim’s doing his best for his friend and brother in law. But the shot is not an intimate one, we don’t get close ups, we don’t get to focus on the eyes and see the frantic look of a man who knows he CAN’T fail, we don’t see the intimate touch of a hand laying a gauze on an exposed chest and trying to keep this treasured body together, we do get “come on, Buck,” but we don’t get personal speech, begging the other man to hold on and just “stay with me.” While back in 414, in the ambulance, we had ALL of those as Buck, almost on the verge of losing his sanity, fought for Eddie’s life. ~~

Lastly, I’ve made in the past a gifset of times when we’ve seen Buck screaming Eddie’s name in horror at the face of danger (including in 413), and I love that we can finally add to that Eddie doing the same thing for Buck. But I think it’s particularly meaningful that it happened not as a matter of when Buck would be in danger, but rather it was a question of just how significant Buck had to become to Eddie for this former, highly decorated soldier to go from the stoic man he was in 218 to what we see in 610 (as seen in my latest weekly gifset). Because Eddie WAS incredibly worried back in the s2 finale. He was gritting his teeth, you can see the tension on his face, and the second it was safe, he sprang to Buck’s side. Eddie also held on to him while everyone else was lifting the truck (even though Chim, as a medic, would have been a more natural choice to hold on to Buck, while Eddie the firefighter helps lift engine 118). And Eddie wouldn’t even let go of Buck’s hand on the way to the truck. HE WAS DISTRAUGHT. But the man who kept his facade up in the hospital after Shannon, his wife and mother of his son, died just one ep earlier, did the same thing with Buck. What I find so telling is that he can no longer do that by 610. Buck has become such an integral part of his life, of his family, of who Eddie is as a person and how he deals with life, way more than even Shannon managed to be. And that’s why Eddie loses it, confirming what we’ve known for a while: Buddie are life partners. ~~

Bonus:

That’s become a meme. -Will

Has it really? -Rider