I have been on a deep soul search, doing some massive amount of shadow work in my life this past year or so. My ‘drifter’ came to me suddenly and will be gone just as suddenly. We had a deep connection. The kind of connection that allows you to become attached to someone, but knowing deep down in your gut that this really isn’t your partner. Knowing it since pretty much week 3. The night you are in a bathroom after having several drinks with dinner and your aunt asking, “so what’s up with you and Cee?” And you turn around and without hesitation say, “well I don’t know, but I know he ain’t the one for me.” But even knowing that, I’m thankful for the attachment. I did truly love him. He was too good of a person not to love. This moment is making me realize how much i have healed this past year. And learning to be okay if something happens or being okay if nothing happens. It’s Life. It sucks. But only sometimes….Sometimes we win some and sometimes we lose some.

I sometimes hate being so deep into my soul. The old soul, they say? The one who as so much experience with life, for which they are far misunderstood, but also the one that people cling to because you have the part of themselves that they are looking for.

I’m the challenge that no one can break until it breaks them.

I’m the voice that everyone craves, but can’t stand to hear.

Get out…before you become destroyed.

#justk

I rarely sleep on full moon night. Normally I struggle to go to sleep. Usually full of energy while also having a fear of going to sleep. A legit fear. As though I’m going to miss out on something and I must stay awake to watch and take care of things if something might occur.

I rarely dream. It’s so rare than if I had to estimate it, I would guess somewhere about 1-2 months. And to have a dream that I actually remember. And that almost feels like a high number. *chuckle*

Last night, we had a super moon. Not only did I sleep solidly, all night, I went to bed decently earlier than normal. I also had a dream and remembered it!

In 7 days, it will mark the “anniversary” of the night that I met my twin flame, 3 years ago. It was also the night I argued with my soulmate hours before and called it quits with him for the final time. Today, I’m currently in separation from my twin. And I do believe this could potentially be our final separation stage without reuniting.

Last night, I dreamt about my twin. I used to dream about him all of the time before I met my soulmate. I know I did. (I met my soulmate before I met twin). My soulmate taught me tough love. I am now finding myself giving my twin the tough love I was taught. Still undetermined if that is right or wrong. Until the dream…

In the dream. I was living at my now ex soulmates house. I wasn’t living with my soulmate. But nonetheless, I was living in the home. My twin showed up unannounced and unexpectedly. I was angry for this because he was drunk and I didn’t want to listen to the spew coming from his mouth. I called the police. Minutes later. 6-7 police officers are at “my home.” It felt liked they swarmed in like a swat team to take my twin down. And they literally did. One officer slammed him on his belly in the gravel driveway. Scratching the right side of his face, with rock, sand soaking up a slight bleed. I see my body standing just outside of an entry hallway. A sort of in between the garage and the house. My same body, potentially my soul, was down on her hands and knees in the gravel, kneeling in front of my twin. Watching him cry and gently wiping away his tears with love and compassion. Feeling sorry for him while at the same time, slightly feeling that this was for his own good.

i do miss the good I had with both. I love both men dearly. The both put a fire and burn inside of me that will always live. My twin had a way of making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. People saw such love and passion between the two us. I wish them well.

please,

take your precious time.

Don’t push.

Don’t rush.

Pause.

Breathe her in.

Soak her up.

Feel her.

Women like her,

need space.

They need time.

Lose time in her.

Get lost in her mind,

in her layers,

in her smile

and in her thighs.

Drift.

Don’t pull.

She is the moon.

Just be her water.

Ebb, and she will flow.

And I’ll tell you her biggest secret.

Although she will have most of them believe it,

she isn’t all bullet proof armour, steel walls and battle ready swords.

There is softness,

and such sweetness,

buried deep in her core.

Dig.

Gently,

slowly,

intently

and

intensely

Trust is the key

Unlock her.

And you’ll discover

she’s always been

more than enough.

Get inside.

Feel the ferocious fire

and the soft, gentle rain.

Her sweetness

and her pain.

Touch it.

Touch all of it.

She may flinch

at the thought of closeness,

and she will definitely resist

opening up her soul.

But know, she isn’t running from you.

It’s just those deep feels

she has trapped inside.

So fist grip her heart,

like you do her neck

when you have her

pushed up against the wall.

Prove to her,

and promise her

as no man

ever has before

that you are here to stay

and never letting her go.

❤️

Of yourself

This feeling you have of being unlovable

Don’t be the first to destroy something just because you don’t trust that’s it real.

I’ve been an empath my entire life. But I let it go for about 8 years. I found myself in a toxic relationship with someone who literally did all my thinking for me. I didn’t get to make decision about my life or our life. Every decision was his. It’s been over a year now since I finally went no contact with him. It was hard, but because of it, my empathetic nature is coming back and it really needs some fine tuning. I’m in a process of healing within and the more I heal, the more I am able to hear my guides and the more “weird” things are happenings. It’s actually rather exciting.

So this morning, I was talking to my guides. I say, “spirit guide around me. I need to know you are near. I need to know that you are with me and guiding me through my healing process and journey of life. We need to come up with a sign together in which when this sign happens, I will know you are near.” My mind trails off to thinking about a particular song, but nothing was hitting me right off. I’ve always been able to see and feel the power of numbers. All of a sudden the number 335 popped into my head and I felt certain that this would be our sign together. I speak to myself, ‘why does that number sound familiar?’ It dawned on me, that was the numbers to my apartment that I lived in before I met my ex-husband. When i was living in that apartment, during that time was when the numbers were starting to show up in my life and the empath inside of me was coming to fruition. I was living my best life. I was connecting to who I was as a person. Now during this healing time, I have been working to getting back to who that person was. It’s been a real effort on my part to finding that pathway. The more connections i make, the more i feel open and less like the toxic person i had become to keep fighting in my relationship.

As i walking down the hall, feeling excited that we found a sign together, i started to say in a sing-song voice, ‘whenever i see the number 335, i know my spirit guide is there to help me strive.’ And it just came out. In a rhyme, sing song voice.

10 minute later, i left for work and of course was back inside my head thinking about 1000 things at once. I honestly let the numbers go. Knowing deep down they would pop up when i needed them to. When i turned onto the road to the salon, i had this instinctive need to look to my right, at this car parked in someone’s driveway, and there is was on the the license plate. 335! And i felt peace inside of me.

I busted my ass day and night, working 15-18 hours days to make deadline. My ass was on the line. I needed help. All hands on deck. I had some people come and do small jobs and some come and do big jobs. Some come for days and some come for hours just to help me. Just wanting to be apart of my dream. Everyone could see the passion burning in my eyes and soul. I had a lot of people, literally strangers included, help make my dreams happen. For me and my daughter. That man sitting next to me last night, saw my burn and ultimately ended up helping me and my uncle, so much, to get my salon going. God brought him into my life in a moment of desperation. We became good friends in the process. And while I don’t need to explain my life to you, because you haven’t been apart of it. I’ll be damned if you or anyone else deserves to shit on the progress I have made. I am changing. For the good. I am becoming the woman I deserve to be. And those in my life see it. And while I don’t need anyone’s approval because I am proud of my own damned self, everyone has been pouring love and happiness in me.

I am choosing to be single right now. My focus and drive is only on my career. Building a life that my daughter and I can enjoy. After all, we did grow accustomed to a certain lifestyle.

For a moment I thought I truly missed you. When I saw the flowers and Knew they were from you before I even touched the card. You have been in my mind constantly remembering good stuff. Wishing you were apart of this wonderful journey I am on.

But all that vanished last night with a simple accusation text. Reminding me that you could never listen to reason and I was never allowed to have my own life.

What you also made me realize last night is that while I may miss you, the good parts of what we had. I am over the bad. I’m over what we once could have had. It will never happen. I would never let someone new treat me the way you do. So why should I let you?

I'll be the villain in your story and you'll be a memory in mine.

So I am asking you to Please just leave me alone. Let me live my life and enjoy the happiness I have created without you. I deserve that much!

7.31.21

Not like the country I had gotten used to. Back when I screamed at the thought of when he convinced to move to the country with him. But my, it didn’t take long to fall in love. Secluded area. 2 acre pond to watch the geese and ducks swim. The sound of a waterfall anywhere you stood on the property. Fishing anytime I wanted. Walk outside completely nude and no one would see you. It was prefect.

But now I am here. Away from you. In my little country home. Not so secluded now. But yet, somehow it has become familiar. Yesterday, when I mowed for the first time this season. I realized that I had grown familiar of my surroundings. I knew the spots. And I knew the path. It was that old familiar lawn mower. The one I bought that first spring after our divorce. And though I have continued to hold onto you for the past 3 years. I realized that my memories have faded and I wouldn’t even know if I could remember the familiarity of what used to be our home. But now, I unfortunately, am home.

I will forever miss what we could have had...suppose it’s time to look forward to the future.

#justk

#justk

He said, “those who visit bars every single night if the week are people who are escaping life.”

And the reason it struck me was, not because I didn’t already know what he was saying. I just didn’t know other people thought it as well and someone was willing to say it out loud.