Trying to kid myself that I got my shit together

It’d started with the nightmares about a week before May. And though he’d expected those, they’d still been awful to deal with. He’d cleaned out the entire stock of energy drink at The Store twice in the past three weeks to try to keep himself awake, to keep the nightmares at bay.

Until he’d actually fallen asleep next to Will and slept for hours without even one dream about Abby, let alone a nightmare. Objectively, that should’ve been good, but somehow, it was worse. After that he’d just given up sleep almost entirely, getting in about two to three hours a night, usually in batches of one hour at a time.

When the door opened, Andrew glanced up, eyes widening and fraction when he saw Dom. He hadn’t realized Dom knew what today was, but why else would he be here at 6AM on a Sunday?

“Hey,” he murmured softly, returning the greeting, leaning into Dom’s touch unconsciously. At the mention of making pancakes, he felt tears burn at the back of his eyes, and he shut them quickly to try to alleviate the pressure building so he wouldn’t cry. That’d always been Abby’s birthday traditions. Chocolate chip birthday pancakes.

Andrew was the worst brother on the planet.

Let’s just hope he makes it to the kitchen. Dom has no idea how Andrew’s been able to hold himself up for that long, knowing that he’s been getting close to no sleep. And yet, through that whole time, Dom didn’t know what to do to help, seeing Andrew shrug off every advice or help that came along the way. He felt a tinge of regret for not having tried harder to get Andrew to sleep.

But for now, they’ll make some pancakes and maybe that would tire Andrew out for at least a nap. A dreamless nap with no repercussions would be appreciated really. Dom stood there alone in the room as he let out a soft prayer under his breath for Andrew, not really sure what else he could do. 

Hearing Dominic’s reassuring words, Sawyer let out a sigh of relief that he didn’t know he was holding in him. Usually, everyone wanted to talk, telling him that he shouldn’t hold those types of emotions inside. They sounded like Hudson’s therapist, which wasn’t an experience that Sawyer enjoyed, though he got the feeling that most people lied to them from how easy they let him slide by. “Thanks, Dominic.” Sawyer offered him a small smile to show his gratitude. “It means a lot to me to hear you say that.” Surprisingly enough, it did. His words reminded him a lot of what his aunts might tell him after a hard day of school.

Shrugging his shoulders, Sawyer didn’t know exactly how to answer since he wasn’t exactly working on anything. It was just sketching and drawings that would help him improve his style. “It’s really nothing in particular,” he answered honestly for once. “I mean, it’s just a bunch of random doodles, an art dump basically, just stuff that’s on my mind, what I might want to turn into a painting in the future. It’s all really rough. So I’d prefer if I kept it to myself, if that’s okay.” Sawyer fidgeted a little bit, worried that Dominic might refuse and demand to see his work for some reason, which bothered him since none of it was ready for the public eye. He just hoped that he understood his reluctance.

The music dimmed away and Dom got up, walking over to lift the scratch and stop it. “Well if you like you can have a go at it now, since the recorder’s going.” Dom rang his fingers through the vinyl covers until he found the one for Elvis’ #1 Hits, can’t go wrong with the classics. He popped it in and lowered the volume just so that it’d play in the background. And of course the first song that came on was his best classic Can’t Help Falling In Love. And instantly the memories of watching his grandparents hold each other and dancing around the living room to the song flooded his mind, and brought about a smile. Dom went to sit back down and grabbed his cup, letting the album just run through.

“Just Dom is fine. And no worries.” Hearing his full name sounded strange, like he hadn’t been called that in a pretty long time. He wasn’t too sure what Sawyer was willing to share with him and what he wasn’t but it wasn’t Dom’s business to meddle in Sawyer’s. But at least he has made the offer, and hopefully Sawyer would take up on that if he needs to. If not, quiet roommates it is. He took a quick glance as he eyes darted towards the tablet for a second before kicking himself to respect his privacy. Dom just never really seen the stuff Sawyer doodles much and it was the curiosity in him that got it. “Hey that’s fine too. Don’t worry about it. Sorry to disturb and come in early, actually.” He didn’t want to make Sawyer uncomfortable for prodding too much and so he tried to tackle the awkwardness he just created by leaning back and picking up the book on their side table to continue where he left off. It was just the general worry of having pushed a little too much and he backed away just a little. At least Elvis was helping to unclog some awkward air.

“When do I not owe you, though?” Hudson wouldn’t be Hudson without Dom there with him in their classes and on their movie nights. He was a constant that Andrew had come to expect, and he was hit with a sudden wave of gratitude for Dom.

“Hey, it’s not strange.” Andrew squeezed Dom’s hand. “Thank you. For, uh. Introducing me to them. I bet they were really nice, yeah? To have raised someone as great as you.” Truthfully, it was getting a little overwhelming, realising how much Dom had lost. His parents, when he was kid, then his grandparents. And now here he was, sitting down on the grass in school with little crosses as make-shift graves because he couldn’t visit their real graves.

Did Dom’s parents even have graves?

He could barely imagine going through that much, losing that much and still being able to function, let alone be okay. Andrew stared at Dom for a while, unsure of what to say to him. I’m sorry wouldn’t even begin to cover how he was feeling, so he lean in a little closer, then brushed his thumb over Dom’s hand, refusing to let go. “If you ever wanna talk? About this, about anything? I’m always ready to listen.” It didn’t seem like much, but it seemed like support was the only thing he could offer Dom at this time. So that’s what he was going to do. He’d never have to come down here to visit his grandparents alone if he didn’t want to — Andrew would always go with him.

“There are times,” Dom replied, Andrew probably had no idea how much he helped Dom in certain ways. He didn’t think he’d be able to get through those first few months in Hudson without Andrew, heck he’d probably begged Hudson to just kick him out and accept the gruesome fate of whatever happens to the expelled. Probably death. He wasn’t doing anything that they expected him do to anyways. 

And Andrew simply being there with him helped anchored him down to just hold on. It was so much that went down internally that Andrew wouldn’t have noticed, but Dom was still grateful for that.

Again with the nice words from Andrew, his mind still rejecting whatever he was saying about Dom. But it was so nice to go back to think about the past. “They were. They..” He paused, still not looking to Andrew as he tried to find better words, “They could’ve easily dumped me aside and given up on me too when they realised my parents weren’t coming back, but they didn’t.” And he couldn’t keep the smile away thinking about them, “Wouldn’t be anywhere without them.”

The tingle seem to go up his arm this time and he hates how he makes him feel. but it wasn’t unwelcomed at the same time. And Andrew’s words were what made his chest feel like welling up. He knew that it was always that way between them but to hear them again brought a new sense of comfort. Dom hesitantly rested the side of his head on Andrew’s shoulder, taking in a deep breath before he spoke, “Thank you. ..It means a lot.” Andrew already knew a fair deal about him, even though he doesn’t know how he’s stupidly trying to find out about his parents, he knew that they weren’t ever apart of his life and his name from being a Hudson kid meant shit to him. Andrew was his closest friend, and his first friend, and he could only be thankful for that. 

Dom took a moment or two just staying there in silence, thinking of what would be an appropriate thing to tell Andrew. And then he lifted his head, a grin falling on his face, “Did you know, that my grandparents used to be amazing dancers?”

“Well, if you ever need someone to field test them, I’m your guy, okay?” No one else is going to get to use cool as fuck bullets before Will. Dom can downplay how cool they’d be, but if he’s successful, Will wants to be there to try them out. Anything that can give you the edge in the field is important. Everyone trains so hard, and is so evenly matched for the most part, if you can get that extra inch above someone, you take it.

Will shakes his head. Dom’s crazy. What he’s cooked, carbonara, is fucking delicious. Will’s shoveling it into his mouth, despite Dom’s joke, and he slows down slightly, wiping the sauce off of his chin. His plate is half empty and Will feels his brain catching up with stomach. The dish is heavy, with the milk, cheese, and bacon, and Will’s starting to feel it sink to the bottom of his stomach.

“Absolutely, I’m holding it against you that you’re gonna be my first guinea pig then,” Dom pointed his fork towards Will, fairly glad that he offered actually. He wasn’t sure if he test it out right if he did it himself, with very obvious reasons on his marksmanship. Will would be perfect at seeing if it would actually work.

Scooting to side next to him, taking the offer of sharing his sandwich as an excuse to get closer. Macey had always been a person who took comfort in touch. Whether it was light and brief, or a hug, the space between herself and another human only ceased to drive her crazy, making her feel even more isolated than she actually was. She plucked at one of his crisps, breaking the small piece in half before placing in her mouth to chew lightly. She ate like a gerbil, a constant grazer who nibbled or didn’t eat at all. She shook her head in a deliberating way before answering, “You’re right. It has been a great place for some things.” She nodded to punctuate the statement.

He was exactly right, if it wasn’t for Hudson, she would not be a doctor as soon as she was out. She wouldn’t be saving lives, she wouldn’t be getting practice that she needed. Field training with the old students, ones that were not simulations for them, meant that there was always a chance she would be utilized. Her knees drew to her chest, and she popped the other half of the crisp into her mouth, chewing slowly. “I like being around you,” she decided, glancing up at him. “I think, it’s probably sudden to realize that, but I do. I feel like… like I can breathe and think, and it’s a nice change.”

He picked up the other half of the sandwich as Macey begun to nibble at hers, taking a much bigger bite out of his. He didn’t mind at all that she seemed to be getting closer towards him, it feels like she needed it, like she needed some kind of support, and Dom was more than willing to help her out. Before, they usually just met in the infirmary, getting things fixed, cuts cleaned, shoulders popped back, talk never happened much. And now he looks back at those times, and wondered how many times could she have been troubled? Dom was already halfway through his half as he watched Macey take such small nibbles, he wasn’t sure if she’s even reached the meat inside yet. And he slowed down his chews, not wanting to eat too far ahead, it seemed impolite.

He let them eat in a comfortable silence for awhile until she spoke up, her words threw Dom for a loop as he tried to process them, giving her a look of confusion. “Thank you.. I guess?” But he tried to understand where she was coming from, feeling empathetic as his mouth turned up to a smile, “Glad I could help in some way. It’s nice.. to be around you too. A little nostalgic feeling to the past.” Okay what he said was probably stranger than her words. Dom paused for a second, taking another bite before he tore his eyes away from the sandwich to Macey, hoping not to offend as he asked, “If you don’t mind me asking, what’s making you not able to breathe and think?” He wasn’t sure if it was any burdens on her shoulders or just Hudson in general constantly breathing down their necks.

Here was another one of those scenarios. A few extra minutes and Gus would have left without a word and neither would have been any wiser but it was too late as he blinked once, twice, and still didn’t have an answer for the other as he stayed put with his knuckles white as his grip tightened. He still wasn’t sure that he could be trusted, or that he could be around someone else if they said the right ( or wrong ) thing to him in this state. All he could do was close his eyes and focus on breathing, waiting for the other to return with someone else in tow or not at all, but what he didn’t expect was for the other to be alone when he came back in the room.

Gus hesitated, a beat of silence falling between them as he contemplated what his future might be at Hudson if anyone knew what he’d done, but it wasn’t enough to stop him from speaking the truth through his teeth. “I hurt someone.”

He was still trying to figure out an answer when Gus spoke three words that made Dom shove all his thoughts aside. And just flood his mind with more questions. Who? How? Why? Was the other person okay? But asking all of that was meaningless, and Dom took awhile to collect his thoughts, finding the right question to ask. He got onto his feet first, heading to boil water in the kettle that sat in their room before sitting back down to decide on a question, letting the silence run a little longer. He stared at his bloody knuckles that turned white holding onto the chair arms so tightly. It didn’t seem like he just hurt somebody. Maybe add a wall or two. He cautiously reached over and touched one of his hands, urging him to let go as he glanced up to Gus, hoping for permission to clean his wounds. “How you holding up?”

“Are they really?” Will’s too excited for something that might never exist, but it’s so cool, modified bullets, that he can’t help it. It’s like a super spy dream come true, and what they do in the tech lab is so cool. Will wishes he was better at tech classes and tech things. Even when Dom talks about not doing good on a project, it’s freaking bomb defusing. That’s awesome. Will wants to ask more, but Dom seems like he’s annoyed but it all. He would be, too. Will hates doing bad on projects and exercises, especially when it’s in his field of expertise.

“Delaney’s something man.” Will’s encounter with her was weird, but all thoughts of anything but food immediately leave his brain. He reaches for silverware, taking a giant bite of food. The noise he lets out is a cross of a moan and something that’s one-hundred percent happy. Dom’s food is delicious and Will eats it like it’s going out of style, barely leaving room to breathe in between bites.

As Dom sat down, the look on Will's face worried him, the bullets aren't even fully in the works, it was just a prototype and a written report and he's afraid that Will would get too disappointed over the end product, who knows it might even fail. Heck he was still confused about what he wanted to do. "I mean.. they're gonna take awhile and probably won't even work properly, and I have like, 3 weeks to get it done so I'm gonna just maximise those 3 weeks." Dom hesitantly replied, trying to lower the expectation and excitement Will contained. It was nice to know st least someone was excited about it, but the doubts just shrouded his mind of the practicality it had.