XJordanX

A/N: Here ya are folks, by popular demand. This also has a HUGE trigger warning on it do not read this if suicide is a trigger for you. Also did I listen to three songs that have to do with being a disappointment/dying in your parents’ arms while writing this? Maybe. Did it enhance the experience? Yes.

Warnings: Suicide

Pt. 1

It had been four months since the initial incident. Your hand and arms did eventually heal but it seemed to be pointless ass once they would heal up you would simply add another set of cuts. The bandages around your arms became a common sight.

Clint had been suspended indefinitely from the Junior Agent program and your peers were given their due punishments. While it was comforting to know that no one would have to go through what you did it didn’t get rid of the thoughts that had come to haunt your every waking hour.

You despised yourself and who you had become in these last four months. Your condition had only declined and you had shut everyone out.

The team had tried their best to get through to you, your mother more than any of them. She would try to get you outside more and take you to do things that used to give you joy. All they did know was remind you of the girl you once were and how you would never be her again.

It got to a point where Tony had called in the best psychiatric money could buy. The appointments you had set up proved to be of no help at all. You didn’t cave to any of the questions that were asked and instead would simply sit in silence for the entire hour of your appointment. Your eyes would glaze over while you simply stared into the distance. Most of the time you wouldn’t be able to even hear your doctor trying to get your attention.

The sorrow you felt was so agonizing and all-consuming that you stopped coming out of your room all together. You would stay inside on your little cloud of darkness and pain. Your world turned grey and nothing seemed to bring you any sort of joy anymore.

Living like this was becoming too hard, too painful to withstand. When this reality set in on you it only made you sink deeper into your self-loathing.

How could you have ever dared to dream of being an Avenger when you’re this weak-minded? How dare you believe you would be able to ever live up to being a low-level S.H.I.E.L.D Agent let alone and Avenger?

Hell, how could you have ever dared to dream to one day live up to the family expectations?

The very thought of the gall you once had made you sick to your stomach. To think you would ever be good enough to fight alongside your family when you were this weak made you sick to your stomach. They deserved better.

Your mother deserved better.

—————————

Natasha knocked on your door gently. She didn’t expect a reply and merely waited a few moments before entering so you could prepare yourself. In all honesty, she also needed a moment to mentally prepare herself for what you looked like now.

You looked sickly and despite the baggier clothes you had started to wear she knew you had drastically lost weight. Her heart shattered to pieces every time she saw you. She wished nothing more than to be able to take your pain away and make it all better.

She would give her life to do so.

Walking into your room she let out a shaky breath when she looked at your form. You were curled up on your bed with your back to her.

“Uh…we have an emergency mission to go to right now. We should all be back in a few hours so tell F.R.I.D.A.Y if you need us and we’ll come right back, alright? Mission be damned.” Natasha watched for any indication that you had heard her but when you gave none she sighed a bit.

She walked over and placed a lingering kiss on your cold cheek. “I love you, Y/N. So much.” You still gave no response and despite the ache in her heart Natasha made her way back to the door.

“I love you too.” Your voice was soft and raspy from how much you had neglected to use it in these past months but it still made Natasha turn to look at you in shock.

Smiling with newfound hope that you would be getting better she left the room.

—————————

The cool mountain air hitting your face was the best thing you had felt in a long, long time. Sighing heavily you leaned back against the tree you had been sitting by for the past hour.

The sun had gone down right after you had gotten back up to this spot and now the stars had risen. From here you had the most beautiful view of the valley below as well as the bright full moon.

By all accounts tonight was perfect. Perfect scenery, perfect weather, perfect peace. Closing your eyes you took a deep and steadying breath of the night air.

The soft music coming from your phone was slowly was beginning to fade away. So was the world around you. Everything felt heavy and hazy.

You know you would think someone as smart as Tony Stark would know to hide his multiple full bottles of sleeping pills when there was a very mentally ill teenager in his place of residence.

Oh well, made things easier for you. You looked to the bottle of vodka in your hand and with some difficulty took a gulp, fully ignoring the burn down your throat. You figured if you were to go out this way you might as well go out with a Russian drink.

When you had gotten up here hours ago you were starting to talk yourself out of it. Maybe it wasn’t too late for you. You could still get better like everyone said, maybe even become an agent as you had always dreamed.

Then you remembered your peers would not be so kind and how you would most likely just end up here again. Why prolong the inevitable right?

Besides, your mother deserved better than you. She deserved someone who could fill her shoes, someone strong than you, someone better. She needed someone like Peter…yeah…like Peter. Not in the sense that she needed someone exactly like the spider but she needed someone who would be able to take to her just like Peter too to Tony.

She needed someone who would make her proud. She needed someone who wasn’t a disappointment.

—————————

“Nice job team, I’m off to hit the showers,” Tony said with a smirk as he walked out of the loading bay and off towards the living quarters.

The mission had gone off without a hitch, there were no major injuries and they had seamlessly gathered the intel they needed.

The rest of the team had followed Stark, all chattering about the mission and how well it had gone. “Hey I’m gonna go check on Y/N, I’ll be back,” Nat said to the others as they all went straight to the common room.

They all sprung up when she rushed back to them shaking with a note in her hands. Bucky had rushed over to her after seeing her pale form and the pure terror that danced in her eyes.

Taking the note from her he read it over and had to stop himself from nearly throwing up. “What is it?” Sam asked cautiously.

“It’s a suicide note.”

The room fell into chaos as they all tried to figure out where you had gone and how long ago you had left.

Natasha scanned over the letter again and again before looking up. “I know where she went. F.R.I.D.A.Y, how long ago did Y/N leave?”

“About four hours ago miss.”

Natasha felt as if she would cry right on sight. “She’s two hours away, we have to fly there.” Steve instantly rushed off the ready the quinjet while Bucky and Wanda did their best to try and calm Natasha down.

The woman was on the verge of having an anxiety attack. The only thing keeping her together was the thought that they were still time. They could still get to you and everything would be alright. You were still alive.

You had to be.

—————————

They finally got to you 30 minutes later. When Natasha had spotted your still form from the sky she felt her entire world shatter the pieces.

Once the jet doors opened she practically flung herself from them and sprinted to you. Sliding on the ground she grabbed your lifeless form and shook you.

“Y/N, my love please don’t do this to me.” She began to sharply slap your cheeks in an attempt to wake you. “Come on, come on, come on! Please, baby, don’t do this to me.”

She felt as though the air had been completely knocked from her lungs. Her entire being ached as she held your limp form in her arms.

Pulling you to her chest she began to rock back and forth whispering “Please…please come back to me. Please wake up.”

When she still gained no response she finally let herself cry. The sobs that began to take over her body were harsh and uncontrollable. “Please! Please Y/N, don’t do this to me. Please!”

A/N: Alright y’all, here’s that request. MANJOIR trigger warning on this one. This deals with self harm and self hatred in a decent amount of detail. Please do not read this if any of those trigger you. Also if any of you deal with these sorts of issues, my dms are always open.

Warnings: ⚠️Self harm, self hate, angst⚠️

With a soft pained groan, you hit the mat for what seemed like the fifth time in this session alone. Soft snickers caused your jaw to tighten, your teeth gritting together.

“What’s the matter, Romanoff? Can’t hold your own in a fight?” One of your fellow junior agents quipped from the sidelines. Your eyes flicked to Clint who was overseeing all of this. Your eye twitched slightly as the blonde man remained silent making no moves to reprimand your taunters.

A scoff brought your attention back to your opponent. “Pathetic.” He spits a slight smirk on his face. You kept the face of sheer neutrality, something you had learned and mastered from your mother. You needed to remain calm.

Slowly getting to your feet your peers continued. “You know agent Romanoff must be disappointed to have a daughter like you.” A girl, Sally, remarked from the sidelines. “Yeah,” Jason laughed before getting back into his fighting stance. “I mean imagine having a kid who can’t fight and you’re the fucking Black Widow.” Despite how hard you were trying a slight frown tugged at your lips. Jason’s smirk only widened.

“Oh don’t worry Y/N, I’m sure your mother wishes you were never born just as much as you do.”

Something in you snapped and in the blink of an eye your hand the larger boy in a throat crushing headlock. Everyone in the room went still in shock, not that you noticed. At that moment there was nothing but you and his struggling form. He was clawing and thrashing around like a wounded animal, desperate for the air you were depriving him of. You couldn’t help the slight smirk that crawled onto your face at the sight of his face turning purple.

You honestly could have killed him sooner but something in you wanted to prolong the experience which was lucky for him because it gave Clint time to try and pry you from the boy. When that didn’t work he come Cap and your mother who came rushing into the room.

It was your mother’s angry yell of your name that snapped you back to reality. Your eyes flicked to her and then to Jason who was starting to go limp. With a scowl, you pushed the boy to the ground before stepping away from him. Natasha quickly rushed over, taking a firm hold of your arm before leading you from the room with Cap in toe.

Clint kneeled to help the gasping and heaving mess of a boy you left on the floor, slightly kicking himself for letting things get too far.

—————————

“What the hell was that Y/N?” Your mother asked, pacing the floor. You were now sat in an empty conference room with the disapproving gazes of Maria, Cap, and your mother all on you. You however refused to answer. If Clint let what those kids slide then there was not a chance in hell anyone in this room would side with you, thus your best option was to remain silent.

Growing increasingly frustrated with you Natasha sighed. “I thought I taught you better than to let your emotion get the better of you like that. You almost killed that boy.”

“But I didn’t.”

“Only because I got there in time.” She hissed. Your green eyes, perfect replicas of your mother’s, flicked to the floor. You just wanted this to be over with. All you wanted was for them to give you your punishment and send you on your way where you could let your unwanted anger and pain out in private with not judging or prying eyes.

A deep sigh came from Maria. “We’re suspending you from the program until further notice.” Your eyes flicked to Maria, wide with shock. “What…? No, you guys can’t do that.” Steve sighed. “We can and we will. You proved to us that you cannot be trusted around others and until you can show us that you can control yourself.”

“And just how am I supposed to do that when I can’t spar with anyone or undergo training.” Maria shrugged. “That’s for you to figure out Y/N.” Your eyes flicked between everyone in the room before landing back on your mother. “Mom…” the words came out in a soft desperate plea. Natasha shook her head. “I’m very disappointed in you Y/N.”

All light drained from your eyes at that moment. Your body completely slumped back into your chair. You could only just barely make out Cap dismissing you and Natasha clarifying that you were to go straight to your room. Numbly you walked down the corridor and to the living quarters.

Once you reached your room you took in a deep shaky breath. “F.R.I.D.A.Y? Lock the door and don’t let anyone in unless I say so…please.”

“Of course miss. Are you alright?” The A.I asked sounding genuinely concerned for you. You chuckled cynically. The only person showing any care for your feelings was a fucking robot. Nodding your head you walked into the bathroom. “I’m fine F.R.I.D.A.Y.”

Looking into the mirror you glared at your reflection. You hated who glared right back at you. You hated everything about her just like everyone else around you. She was exactly what everyone said she was. Weak, pathetic, unpredictable, would never be able to live up to her family name.

A disappointment.

Your mother’s words took over your every thought. You didn’t want to believe what all those kids said to you but then she went and said it herself. You were nothing but a disappointment.

Suddenly you let out a great cry of rage before your fist collided with the mirror, shattering it and getting glass shards stuck in it. Panting heavily you crushed to yourself and looked at your bloody hand before feeling another wave of frustration hit you. Why couldn’t you feel the pain? You physically couldn’t feel the extensive harm you had just caused your hand.

Stumbling back you hit the wall and slid down it into a sitting position. Your eyes examined the bloody and cut-up hand. It looked like it should hurt like hell but you felt absolutely nothing. Or maybe you did and it was just nothing compared to the mental anguish you felt right now.

Either way, it only angered you more. You wanted—needed to feel something, anything other than everything you were feeling inside. A larger piece of glass on the floor caught your eye.

Reaching over, you picked it up with your injured hand and held it up to the light. It was perfect…it would do the job rather nicely.

Leaning back against the wall you pressed to shard to the soft flesh of your opposite wrist. Bitting your lower lip in concentration you pressed the glass into your arm until the deep red liquid appeared.

Dragging the glass across your arm you stopped when you felt it was the appropriate length. Moving down a bit you repeated the process again and again but you still felt nothing. Scowling as tears that you hadn’t even noticed were falling fell harder and harder you moved onto the other wrist.

By the end of it, you were sobbing hysterically. Throwing the shard across the bathroom floor you gripped your head in your hand. Rocking back and forth you tried to let out all the pain and disgust you felt for yourself. You just wanted it all to be over. You just wanted the pain to go away.

—————————

After a few hours of sitting on the bathroom floor in a puddle of your open self-hate, you got up and washed off your arms. Ignoring the sting of the water hitting your open wounds you walked over to the first-aid kit that was kept in all bathrooms in the compound and began to patch yourself up. You spent about an hour making sure you got every single bit of glass out of your hand before you dressed it along with your arms.

You weren’t even going to attempt to hide your injuries from the team, you didn’t expect them to care all that much either. Instead, you would spend as long as you could in your room before sneaking out to get some fresh air alone. You didn’t feel like facing the adults in your life anytime soon.

Laying back on your bed, you plopped back and raised your hand up to your eye line. Your eyes scanned over the bandages that already had small specks and pools of blood gathering on them. If you weren’t so drained you would have begun crying again.

Instead, you merely set your arms down before rolling over and falling asleep.

—————————

The next morning you threw on a hoodie and got up extra early. It was around 4 am, you knew everyone wouldn’t be up for at least another hour. Grabbing a small backpack you walked to the kitchen and packed it with water bottles as well as with a few snacks for the day.

You needed some time alone and you could already see someone in the team coming to pester you today so you decided to do something that would help clear your head. Yes, going hiking alone was dangerous but you weren’t exactly the average person so you figured you’d manage.

You walked down to the garage and walked over to the motorcycle Tony had recently gotten you for your 16th birthday. You pushed it out and away from the compound until you felt you were far enough away to turn it on. Once on the bike, you took off in the direction of some of the more famous hiking trails.

By the time you arrived it was 6 am, the sun would be up soon. You decided to try and hike to the top of the mountain to watch the sunrise in all its glory. If three things in this world always made you feel at peace it was the stars, sun up, and sun down. The opportunity to see one of those felt far too good to pass up.

Walking up the mountain you found it was beyond peaceful. Even with the slight creepiness that’s came with the darkened forest, you couldn’t bring yourself to feel anything other than calm. Out here there was no one to say you weren’t enough, no one to bring you down, no one to be disappointed in you. Right now, that’s all you needed.

You made it to the top a few minutes before the sun peaked its head over the horizon. Pulling out your phone you began to play soft music which admittedly was depressing but that’s how you felt, depressed. It had an oddly calming effect on you, listening to songs about broken hearts or dead loved ones. It made it almost feel as though you weren’t alone in your pain.

Speaking of pain, you looked down at your arms and sighed. You would have to face your—the team once you got back. You didn’t feel as if you had the right to call them your team anymore, hell they basically kicked you out and left you without a way to prove yourself. The only way you would be able to prove yourself was if you went against direct orders and you couldn’t see that going well for you even if what you did was good.

Your dreams of being a S.H.I.E.L.D agent were over. Ripped from under you in the blink of an eye. Maybe you really would amount to nothing.

You truly were nothing but and failure.

—————————

You had gotten back to the compound around 12. It was Saturday and just about everyone’s day off so you mentally prepared yourself for whatever anger you would be subjected to since you had snuck out.

Walking into the common room you tensed at the instant cold look your mother gave you. Her hands were crossed over her chest and her gaze was bordering a glare. Fidgeting, under her gaze you sighed. Reaching into your pocket you pulled out your bike keys before extending your arm out to her.

“Here, before you even ask for them.” A frown tugged at your lips when she made no move to take them. Tilting your head you followed her now sorrowful gaze. “What happened to your arms?” The softness of her tone caught you completely off guard. You hadn’t realized you were holding out the keys in your injured hand, you didn’t even think about it.

“It’s nothing, just take the keys.” When she still didn’t look away from your arms you lowered it before walking over to the counter and setting them down. You ignored the confused and concerned gazes of the others in the common room and walked into the kitchen.

“Hey! Y/N, glad I caught you.” The archer said when you walked over to the fridge. “Look kid, I uh…I wanted to apologize about yesterday. I let things get out of hand, I should have stopped them.” You merely shrugged and mumbled a ‘whatever’. Clint opened his mouth to add something before pausing and frowning. “What happened to your arms?”

Slamming the fridge door you groaned. “Why is everyone so obsessed with my arms huh? Just chill out about it, it’s nothing.”

“Hurting yourself isn’t nothing, Y/N.” Your mother’s voice caught your attention as she walked in with Tony and Steve. “My arms will heal, it’s not that serious.”

“Y/N, you can’t just do that to yourself kid, it’s not healthy. You can’t hurt yourself.” Tony scowled gently. A fire lit in your eyes, an angry one. “Oh but when other people do it it’s no big fucking deal huh?”

“Language!”

“Oh fuck off Steve.” You scoffed earning a gasp from your mother. “Y/N-“ Shaking your head rapidly you cut her off. “No! I’m sick and tired of this shit! Other people get to say slick shit to me about how I’m worthless and how I’ll never be good enough but when I finally lash out and retaliate I’m painted as the villain.”

Natasha’s eyebrows drew together in confusion which caused you to pause. Turning to Clint you tilted your head. “You don’t tell them?” His eyes flicked between you and the other three adults in the room, guilt very evident. “I…the kids had been going a bit harder on Y/N.”

You scoffed. “A bit? They’ve been going in on me for months. It’s been nothing but verbal assault after verbal assault while you stood idly by and let it happen.” Natasha, Tony, and Steve looked at Clint. “Is that true?” Steve asked narrowing his eyes at the archer who was now avoiding their gazes.

When Clint simply nodded you continued. “You know I looked to you for help yesterday. I though maybe, just maybe you would tell them enough was enough but you didn’t. So when Jason opened his mouth again I put him in his place and I get suspended for it.”

“What did that boy say?” Nat’s question wasn’t directed at you. She was asking her best friend directly. Despite her calm demeanor, you could feel the anger rolling off her in waves.

When Clint remained silent, Tony chimed in clearly angry. “What did he say, Clint?” Look at the group Clint sighed. “He said…”Oh don’t worry Y/N, I’m sure your mother wishes you were never born just as much as we do.”

Your eyes closed at the memory of Jason’s words. The room fell into a stunned silence so you took the opportunity to speak. “So you see, I’ll have to ask for your forgiveness in the fact that I lost myself after that. But after months of people calling you worthless and one of the people closest to you not protecting you, it’s only fair that you begin to believe what they’re all saying. Maybe I am just a little disappointment.”

Picking up your bag you pushed past the three. Natasha left Tony and Steve to deal with Clint as she rushed after you.

“Y/N-“

A/N: Here's that Nat x daughter!reader for you, I hope y'all like it

Life in the red room was a living hell. There was no love, no compassion, no sympathy. The trainers and handlers were just as cold as the Siberian winters they often threatened to throw you into if you weren’t on your best behavior.

Being forced to fight each other until one of you couldn’t stand any longer all the while not being able to show any emotion than sadistic joy was nearly unbearable. It was made even harder with the shadow you stood in.

There was little room for mistakes in the red room as is but for you, it was out of the question. The daughter of the most dangerous weapon the red room had ever produced was to never fail, ever. You needed to always come out on top no matter what.

If not then your punishments would be 10 times worse than anything the other girls received. On top of that, they would force your mother to watch as they beat you mercilessly for your failure. Sometimes they would make her do it herself. If she didn’t beat you to their liking, then they would give you both extra lashings.

When they wouldn’t make her do it and just had her watch, they would always have it set up so that you would have to face her. The two of you would be forced to look upon each other as you took the harsh blows. The look of pure neutrality you mother had shown you every single time will forever be ingrained in your mind.

Part of you wanted to hate her. It wanted to be angry that she never saved you from your abusers, it wanted to call her a horrible mother. The rest of you knew the truth. You knew that if she showed how much seeing you hurt caused her pain that it would be the end of both of you. You knew that if she showed that she loved you you would both pay dearly. You knew she loved you and you knew she wasn’t showing it to protect you.

Eventually, you did get the memo and began to progress in the program even more. In the Red Room, you weren’t allowed to have friends, it was forbidden. Now while that was the case most girls understood what the others were going through and thus harbored no hate or resentment for them. This was not the case for their attitude towards you. They all collectively hated you. Whether it was because you would always come out on top or because you were the instructors' favorites it didn’t matter, it all meant the same thing. You were despised and left alone by the only people who could understand your pain.

It was only made worse without the blatant love of your mother.

You became just what the Red Room wanted you to be, cold and unforgiving. By the time you were 15, you had already surpassed your mother at that age.

“She’s ready.” Madame B said after coming to stand beside your mother. They had just watched you take down one of the older girls with swift ease and not a hit of remorse. Natalia knew exactly what she meant and it chilled her to the bone. Yet, she held her tongue.

A smirk rose on Madame’s lips and a soft hum escaped her. “Her ceremony will be soon,” when she still didn’t gain a rise from Natasha she turned to leave. “You should be proud. She’s done even better than you, Black Widow.”

————————————

You were woken up by a small commotion in your room. Instantly you were up and ready to attack. Jumping up to face your attacker you went to yell out only to be pinned against the wall. “Hush Y/N, it’s me.” Your body stilled at the voice of your mother. Narrowing your eyes in the darkness, they finally adjusted and were met with the wide green eyes of Natalia’s.

You stared into them, your eyes softening ever so slightly at what you found. They weren’t cold and emotionless as usual. There was something there, something you had only ever seen in the eyes of the girls you pinned to the mat. Fear.

Nodding slightly she slowly lowered her hand from your mouth, still keeping you pinned to the wall. “We’re leaving.” Your eyebrows drew together in a deep frown. “What?” Was she out of her mind?

“We need to leave, now.” There was a firmness to her tone and urgency. “It’s been a long time coming and I fear that if we don’t leave now we will never get the chance to do so again.” This didn’t make any sense. The last time your mother and yourself had been left in a room together left completely alone was when you were but a breastfeeding child. So having her barge into your room in the dead of night saying you were leaving was alarming. It had to be a test.

With a hard glare, you instantly flipped the two of you, slamming her against the wall. Caught slightly off guard it was all too easy to grab her by the throat with surprising strength. “This is a test. If they want me to take you down then I will not hesitate.” To emphasize your point you squeezed a bit harder.

Natasha stared into the green eyes that were perfect replicas of her’s as she tried to pull your hand from her throat. Your grip was far too strong. “Damnit Y/N, this isn’t a test.” She hissed. She could feel her vision blurring and you clearly weren’t letting up anytime soon. “T-they plan on graduating you.” Your eyes widened at her words and instantly you dropped you, stepping away from the now sputtering woman on the floor.

You stared at her stunned as he tried her best to regain her breath. Clutching her throat she looked over at your now scared form. It pained her heart to see the fear in your eyes at the very mention of the graduation ceremony. “W…why are you telling me this?” Your voice was barely above a whisper.

“Because,” The redhead panted as she got to her feet, still clutching her throat. It was going to have a nice bruise on it. “I can’t let them do to you what they did to me.” You didn’t respond, just stared at the floor trying to process it all.

As much as she would have loved to give you a moment and pull you into a hug that you clearly needed, there was no time. She walked over to the door to check if the coast was clear. “We don’t have time for this, Y/N. We must go.”

There was a split second before you blinked and snapped into action. You had quickly packed a small bag before joining her at the door. The two of you shared a quick glance before she nodded.