mattie (she/her)

Throughout middle school, my growth was stunted (metaphorically, of course) by this overwhelming want and almost need to fit in. I was still myself, but only in the comfort of my room or in the very rare comfort of my friends.

I went through a pretty bad stint of bullying in 8th grade, causing me to leave public school for the (much worse in retrospect) cyber school. During it, and the summer following, I had time and space to explore myself again. I delved deep into the internet, letting those digital spaces fill my social void where real people could not. I explored music, fashion, art, video games; anything and everything I could get my little 14 year old hands on.

Then came high school. Surprisingly, my freshman year was probably the best of them all. I was unapologetically myself again. I vividly remember purchasing a fuzzy baby pink v-neck tee off of Depop and wearing it to school one day. No one made fun of me. My friends didn’t say anything. Everyone acted as if that was a totally normal thing for a 14 year old in 2015 to wear. I continued to wear the weird shit.

In sophomore year, I mellowed out. Selling off all my pastels, I gravitated more to thrifting my clothes. It was mostly all I could afford, aside from the occasional unif or lazy oaf I purchased online. I never wore those ones to school.

Junior year was more of the same, but senior year was the worst. Nothing had really happened, but all of the friends I had were no longer in my school. I retreated into my shell again. Hiding the personality I had away from everyone. I exclusively wore those extremely ugly adidas soccer pants and hoodies every. day.

As an adult, after moving away from that suffocating small town, I’ve discovered myself so much more. I look back on old photos, old posts on social media, and wish I could hug that little teenager. I’ve developed my own sense of style that is much better than hers, but hers was very much hers.

I think some of the popular kids in my school always knew deep down that I was cool, and I think I did too. I was just always so scared to show it. All of this is to say, cringe culture is dead. Let people like what they like. Let them flourish and explore and create and fail. Let kids be kids.