Heterosexuality? Nein Danke

Happy pride month from Zosan!

She sidled up to Sanji who was hunched over a book in the galley, tips of his ears red and in deep concentration. At her question he jumped in surprise, clearly unaware anyone had come into the galley let alone crept up next to him, and he slammed the book shut, sliding it out of view.

“Yes hello,” Sanji squeaked.

Nami blinked back surprise and then erupted into a gleeful expression, complete amusement radiating from her every pore. She had the “this is going to be a great money scheme” look on her face and Sanji’s eyes bugged in fear and embarrassment, his face reddening with the realization he’d been caught.

“Oh wow,” she smirked. “Hand it over.”

She extended her hand for the book that Sanji was, at present, hugging against his chest like a child about to be abducted or perhaps some sort of expensive heirloom about to be stolen.

“Nami…” he pleaded.

“I know you can’t afford what it’s going to cost you to deny me,” she dropped the words like the weapons they were.

He contemplated the merits of assuming a crushing debt burden and then sighed, he wouldn’t deny her anyway. He sheepishly pulled the book from his side and slowly, hesitantly began to move it incrementally closer to her. Nami rolled her eyes and snatched the book from his hands, turning it over so she could see what it was.

It was a rather thick black book with a gaudy cover on the front made to look like it was peering through to a scene of a couple. The couple stood on a dock with a blue sky, seagulls flying in the back, the sparkling ocean and flowers growing around the dock. They were both men wearing beanies and otherwise dressed sharp as one knelt before the other, hands interlocked as they peered into each others eyes.

“Blue skies and wayward hearts…” Nami read the title aloud.

Sanji cringed and immediately tried to go into damage control.

“It… I found it… only one… I didn’t… you know…” the words tumbled out in a garble of nonsense approximating excuses. She ignored him completely as she stared at the book like a curious never before seen item.

“Sanji-kun, what the hell are you reading? You read… romance?”

“Well no…”

“This certainly looks like a romance book,” Nami said flatly.

“Well I mean…” he hedged, poorly.

“And it’s gay romance?” She eyed him suspiciously.

“It was the only one…”

“You were that desperate for a book you picked up a…” she flipped to the end of the book and looked at the last page number, “800 page queer romance?”

Sanji croaked something incoherent and tried to shrug off his clearly weird justification.

“Oh my god you’re so…” she stared at him like she both had no idea what the hell was wrong with him and also like every thought she’d ever had against him now made perfect sense. He hated it.

She flipped the book back open to the page he’d been on, where he’d been able to leave his bookmark despite his panic, and began to read to herself.

“This is filthy— what the fuck,” she said in a scandalized tone.

Sanji lit a cigarette and avoided her eye contact as he buried his head in his free hand.

“Sanji… oh my god.”

“It’s not… that… bad…” he sighed.

“Jonesy slid his mouth to the front of Smith’s pants, sucking through the fabric on the bulge that…”

“Nami…” Sanji whined.

She threw the book on the table at him, it sliding over between his arms. Stealing the seat next to Sanji, she got in close and coaxed his eyes to hers.

“You know there’s nothing wrong with it. Why are you so embarrassed?”

“I’m not!” The words came out too quick, too defensive and she laughed.

“So, who is it? Usopp?”

“Wha— what do you mean?”

“Which one of the crew has you fantasizing about getting sucked through your pants?”

Sanji choked on his cigarette smoke and thumped his heart with his fist.

“Why would it be Usopp! You know I only have eyes for ladies…”

“So it’s Luffy…”

“Luffy! What! I don’t even think he’s into anyone and that’s fine he’s a good guy but he’s gross.”

Nami laughed and sat quietly contemplating for a moment. Sanji could watch the thoughts work their way through her mind as she had them and hated to see her face light up and her piercing gaze settle deviously on Sanji once more.

“No way.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” he feigned ignorance.

“It makes so much sense— oh my god how could I have not noticed before!”

“What are you talking about?” Sanji’s voice was getting higher and his fear was growing.

“All the constant bickering… the in your face practically fucking each other, the nicknames, the…”

“Don’t say it. As if I’d ever fall for such a gorilla-brained, algae infested…”

“He doth protest too much,” Nami replied with a flippancy only overshadowed by the smirk on her face.

“You… you… you don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sanji whined.

“Oh, but I do. Don’t I? Don’t worry, I won’t tell.” She waved her hand and got up to leave, casting one last glance toward him.

Sanji didn’t mean to break down, he didn’t mean to get caught in the first place. But now that his secret had been discovered, it was like all the insecurities and fear that had dammed it behind the walls of his heart collapsed and let the emotion spill out of him in one gushing catastrophe.

“Oh Sanji,” Nami sighed. She sat down next to him once more and brought her hand to her back.

“The thing I hate most about it is, in the end there’s always something, they’re always so happy and in love, they’re always so supportive and… I don’t know why I can’t have that,” he choked the words out through sobs, an embarrassing predicament to be so pathetic in front of Nami of all people.

“You know, I bet he would be the kind of boyfriend in your little books. But he’s dumb as a rock and would never get it unless you said something.”

Sanji couldn’t even laugh at her attempt to make him feel better. He was just consumed with painful yearning that only seemed to grow with each passing day.

“I just want to know what it’s like to be loved… to… have someone I trust so fully that I have no choice but to relax when they’re around. I… want to be wanted.”

Nami hugged him in close to her, his head resting on her chest as she rubbed his back and comforted him. Even as he revealed himself like this, a rare moment of vulnerability, he knew she was gonna kick his ass.

“You fucking loser,” she punched him and kicked him out of the chair. “You seriously got a nosebleed from me hugging you! I hate you!”

“I’m sorry…”

“What kind of weirdo gay boy are you, goddamn.”

“I’m sorry Nami-swan.”

“Ugh. Gross ass. Whatever, I’ll help you anyway. Freak.” She got up and grabbed a napkin to wipe the blood off her chest while Sanji sat mulling over everything that had happened, had been confessed just now.

“I will play matchmaker for you if only so you can stop being such a hopeless pervert,” she snapped. She threw the dirty napkin at Sanji and grabbed a tangerine as she made her way to the door.

“Thanks Nami,” Sanji said. He wasn’t sure what to say exactly, but thank you seemed fairly appropriate. He resisted the thought that this napkin had been on Nami’s boobs as he wiped his nosebleed with it.

“Shut up. And I’d get a cover for that if you don’t want to get caught by someone less understanding than myself.”

“Good idea, my endlessly intelligent, sweet, ever brilliant…”