VOLE OU MEURS

Dear Julia (fka jewels),

If you think time is flying now, just wait. You’re turning 30 in a couple of days, and I think you’d be pretty content—or even happy—with the life you’ve created. Despite the highs, the lows still hit you from time to time, and sometimes they consume you, but you always make it through.

You tried to go to school for Psychology, but ended up on a completely different path—one that grew from just being yourself. You’re not friends with Aaliyah anymore. Crazy, I know. You still love Vans, sneakers in general. The core of who you are is the core of who I am.

You’re going to move to a new town that shifts your world completely. Love is still at the center of your universe. You’ve kept that capacity for love so much that you actually married someone you like—your soulmate, not just infatuation or potential. You kissed a few frogs along the way, but they led you here.

You’re still working on holding onto who you are at the core, even when everything around you changes. That gets harder, but you still try. Time is still not on your side—figuratively and literally. You’re still late to everything. Procrastination is still your biggest obstacle, next to self-loathing, but your charm overshadows it. And yeah, I’m still trying to figure out why I leave everything until the last minute. Probably anxiety, which never really goes away. You just learn how to ride the waves, though sometimes you crash headfirst—like right now, as I type this at 3 a.m. The night terrors didn’t stop either, but you’ll go to therapy eventually.

Mom actually moved back to Canada five years ago, and you’re still processing it. I don’t think you realized how much that would shift your life. If I could go back and change anything, it would be how you treated her. She’s living her first life as a woman in this world—a woman shaped by a messed-up environment and godless people. None of it was her fault. She’s a little happier now; eventually the guilt will fade.

You forgave Grandma before she passed away. You’re still working on forgiving Grandpa while he’s still here. Thinking about Uncle Keith and Grandad will push you toward it.

Your relationship with Jessica gets even more complex, but you made her proud, which is all that mattered. You’re still her keeper. The life you admired in hers won’t feel so far away anymore—not just in time, but in confidence.

Dad and Inez continue to give you new perspectives. You’ll meet Aunt Karlene at Inez’s 50th birthday, and you’ll wish you met her sooner. She lives five minutes away. Her son, your cousin Cody, will go to Rockdale after you move, but he lives in the same apartment complex as Maraki now, so the universe keeps shining her light.

Loving yourself will feel like a roller coaster, but your life and community will reflect who you are, even when you doubt yourself. And you finally got a puppy. His name is Benny. He’s a brown miniature schnauzer and nothing short of perfect. He’s redesigning what’s important to you.