fénix ⭐️

Like the first time they see each other there’s a code for a violent/aggressive patient (or parents cause Shane is a paediatric nurse naturally thank you) and Ilya is new and he’s the first security guard Shane has ever had be like actually helpful and able to deescalate and improve the situation.

They see each other a few more times around the hospital- Shane walks past Ilya on his smoke brake when helping the family out a patient he discharged into the car- at the hospital cafe standing behind him in line as Ilya is on the phone speaking quickly in Russia and orders some crazy sugar filled frappe and Shane has his usual long black. Passing each other in the hallway, Ilya coming to look at their duress alarms to make sure they work and like they don’t talk- they haven’t exchanged words really just there’s so much. Looking. And Shane keeps- noticing his presence and Shane doesn’t really get distracted like that. But there something about him Shane is in his orbit somehow but he’s all whatever he’s just handsome it doesn’t matter I’m busy ! And stressed !

But then they finally like have an interaction- night shift, Shane is at the vending machine at 3am in a thick jumper over his scrubs and it’s his third 12hr night and he usually resists the call of the vending machine but he’s allowing himself a snickers because the ward is heavy right now and he’s tired and he’s allowed to. He’s getting better at allowing himself things. But then the stupid machine isn’t accepting Apple tap and that’s all he has his wallet is in his car and he’s not walking all the way over to the parking lot for that and who even has cash anymore and he’s just kinda staring at the vending machine mourning the snickers and sugar hit and like also willing the machine with his eyes to just work for him. And then he hears a “you ok” behind him and he LEAPS in the air because whatthefuckwhatthefuck the hospital is so quiet at night really, but he must have been so focused cause he hadn’t heard even a footsteps and he spins around and it’s him- Russian ? He thinks- security guard Ilya who’s name he learnt in the coffee shop when it got called out and he’s so there and starting at Shane and when did the security uniform like get hot? And Shane is so tired please his body clock is backyards and he goes

“huh?” And Ilya just grins and then laughs. “Hmm ok. Are you lost? I think you belong down there” and points the direction of Shane’s ward and Shane’s still just kinda staring at Ilya (everywhere but his eyes) and Shane is a little confused because Ilya knows he works here and he’s allowed to be in the hallway and after a beat and lift of Ilya’s eyebrows he realises he was teasing him. Making fun. Joking. So then Shane’s like. “Oh. Um. Hahah” and Ilya just stares at him and nods. Then looks behind him to the vending machine and is like “what did it do to you?” And Shane is like “what do you mean” and Ilya is like “you looked very angry with this machine. Seems serious” and Shane huffs and then word vomits a bit because he’s tired and the only people he’s spoken to in the last 2 hours - is a 3yr old girl and a 6 month old little boy who didn’t have much back to say than BAH - because he doesn’t like the co workers he’s on with tonight, he’s not as comfortable with them and he’s exhausted so he’s really not feeling chatty but he’s pissed about the snickers and his heart rate is spiked from the fright of Ilya and suddenly he’s going on about his shift and “the after hours doctor tonight keeps questioning me when I know what I’m talking about and he’s the one that charted the incorrect dose- I was trying to help-” and then how “he’s really tired and hungry and his salad actually sucked and he couldn’t sleep on his break and the 3yr old he’s looking after asked if he was 60yrs old and- that’s not her fault ok but still, like 60? I use skincare!- and I just wanted a snickers” and he’s been talking for like too long and his face heats a little cause he does that sometimes he really didn’t meant to say All Of That maybe just “I’m good it’s fine man” or something more normal.

But Ilya just, he just listens, intently, watching Shane’s mouth and then he nods and is like “ok I think I understand, we can fix” and Ilya approaches the machine and puts his hand in his pocket and pushes some coins into the vending machine and the the snickers bar slowly juts out of its spiral and into the collection slot and Ilya takes it and just turns and hands it to him and smiles and says “good luck with the little devils. Hope you win” and Shane is kinda like so 😦 because Ilya who doesn’t know him just- fixed a problem so easily and didn’t look at him weird for the outburst and “little devils?” Shane finally asks as ilya has already started to walk away continuing his round and Ilya looks back over his shoulder and says “yes, the kids! Very cute but you know, little devils” and Shake splutters out a small laugh because he loves the sick kids he cares for, always, to the point where he worries over them too much sometimes, his work is kinda everything to him- but they can be little devils and it makes him genuinely laugh and somehow those few moments took some of the weight off his shoulders and huh. Huh.

And then after that he’s trying not to think about security guard Ilya who bought him a snickers because it was nothing if not just embarrassing for him but next time he sees Ilya at the coffee shop he can’t help but approach him to offer to pay for his coffee since Ilya has bought him the snickers and he tries to explain that to him with heat on the back of his neck and Ilya stares at him and then the man just laughs and waves his hand at Shane and says something in Russian and then adds Shane’s coffee order to his own and pays for both before Shane can interject and like ? That was not the plan!

And then it’s like slowly, Ilya is dropping coffee off for Shane at the ward and leaving snickers at the desk for him sometimes and Shane is like ! Angry because he’s like well it’s unfair I owe him and he’s doing it to like piss me off or make fun of me I’m sure of it and then Ilya is trying to chat to Shane asking him stuff and Shane is always like ?? Why does he want to know so much I need to keep working he’s just annoying and his co workers are like 👀 Shane girl pls and he’s like shut up it’s nothing. And it isn’t anything and Shane hates the attention it’s making him feel. Looked at. And then on a night shift one of the girls says her friend on another ward hooked up with Ilya and like it’s whatever he doesn’t even care. At all. It’s just annoying Ilya who likes to pester Shane and won’t let him pay him back it’s just a game.

But then it’s like his co workers are wolf whistling when they see Ilya come on the ward when Shane is there and someone draws Shane + Ilya in a heart on the whiteboard and Shane sees Ilya see it and he wants to fucking die because this is all so stupid and Ilya is just making fun and he’s fucking that girl who works in ED and Shane doesn’t. He’s - he doesn’t do dates or. It doesn’t matter because he doesn’t see Ilya like that and it was never like that this is work and it’s stupid and he’s not going to be made fun of anymore. (He’s not going to out himself out there to be hurt) and then he’s short and distant the next few times Ilya tries to interact. He gives him the snickers back he left him and forces money into Ilya’s hand for the coffee and he doesnt really engage.

But Ilya just, doesn’t stop? He keeps coming by and he doesn’t say much or doesn’t care when Shane just says “hi” and “I’m busy” he just nods and takes what interaction he can get and leaves if Shane says he has to get back to work and he never pushes and he’s still bringing Shane coffees but he’s leaving them hidden at the nurses station with Shane’s name on them or making his co workers give them to Shane so Shane can try and pay him back and he smiles when he sees Shane and he hasn’t bought him a snickers bar since the last time and Shane doesn’t mean to but he kinda. He looks forward to seeing Ilya feels his absence on his off days and he’s on a fixed roster unlike Shane so Shane knows when he works certain days or nights he’ll see Ilya and he - he looks forward to it but it’s like. A friend.

And that’s cool Shane has some friends and Ilya is just a work friend like barely and that’s nice. And they start to talk more and more, and it’s easy to talk to Ilya, he never means to but words just spill especially when it’s night shift and Ilya always seems to find him on a snack run to the vending machine or when he’s on a hunt for warm blankets from another ward. But he keeps his eyes off his and only on the really really bad shifts does he let himself look at Ilya’s arms in his uniform. And then ok it’s been like 3 ish months? And Ilya finds out Shane doesn’t pay for the overpriced closer carpark he pays for the one that’s a fifteen minute walk away and Ilya is like why did you not tell me this ? And Shane is like idk? Cause why would I tell you where I park and Ilya is like it’s not safe when you finish late and Shane is like 8pm isn’t late and Ilya is all it’s dark and cold and snowy! Not safe and then Ilya starts walking Shane to his car after day shift and they talk more and ilya always listens to Shane about his day, wants to know and seems to know the right things to say to the hard stuff or when it’s better to say nothing at all but just let Shane know he’s listening with a hum and Ilya becomes part of Shane’s routine, finish work and walk with ilya to his car when he’s on shift. And he misses it on the days he isn’t there and it doesn’t really matter until Shane maybe starts picking up more overtime when it’s days Ilya is working and he tells himself it’s to save and it’s not like he’s doing much outside of work besides working out and seeing his parents twice a week for dinner and it’s not about Ilya.

But then- one night Ilya is lingering by the doors of Shane’s ward to walk him to his car and Shane comes out maybe half an hour late and he doesn’t expect Ilya there but he is and it makes Shane’s stomach churn even worse because why did he wait? And Shane made him wait. And Shane doesn’t have words for Ilya his mouth is shut and silent and he starts walking towards his car and he can’t get a single word on his tongue. He hasn’t stopped since he started at 7:30am and it’s 8:30pm and he’s peed once, had maybe half his bottle of water, half a protein bar and one single grape. He’s starving and his feet hurt and he’s sure there’s still vomit on his shoes and socks even and the back to base monitors were going off non stop today, chiming beeps and alarms and so many infusions on the ward so many fucking beeps and alarms and three rapids and a code on one of his kids who he’d ended up having to transfer to PICU and then a parent with a restraining order had tried to enter to ward and that had been a whole situation and there had been so much talking and fighting and frantic energy and Shane feels like a live wire shell. He’s alert and awake and wound so fucking tights and he’s one more request of him from shattering into one million pieces.

His skin crawls with the day and he’s sweaty and stinks like hand sanitiser and his ears are still ringing with sound and his teeth are grinding and Ilya is just walking beside him and Shane can’t even look at him and he wants to be alone and he wants to be ok and he wants quiet he doesn’t know how to. He is almost at his car and Ilya’s hand lands between his shoulder blades and Shane snaps away from the touch and Ilya is all wide eyed and quiet and he’s all “Shane, hey, hey I’m sorry I just- you’re shaking and quiet and” and he looks worried, genuinely and Shane feels so fucking stupid and small and used- drawn of every recourse and ounce of empathy and focus he has and he feels empty empty and not belonging to himself and Ilya is looking at him with his stupid kind eyes and he doesn’t know how to help himself after helping people all day and.

And then Ilya says the worst thing ever “are you ok?” His voice is so low and kind and hushed and just for Shane Shane himself and the tears finally fucking go and he’s crying and maybe laughing a tiny bit because he realises he still has a huge bluey sticker on the hip of his scrubs that one of the kids gave him and this is so stupid and embarrassing but work is so hard sometimes and Ilya is so kind with him and no one’s asked him that that isn’t his mum or dad in too long. And Ilya looks so confused and Shane wipes his face and he doesn’t have words but Ilya is so- he’s always so and Shane does the worst thing ever and leans in and kisses Ilya with shaking hands and it’s a messy ugly tear wet kiss and Ilya is so quiet and then “Shane-” and Shane’s ears ring because fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuckkkk. What had he been thinking? That he could be some easy fun hook up of Ilya’s? He wasn’t easy or fun and he had tears on his face and Ilya maybe just pities him and he’s fucked up another connection- read it wrong again and he just thought maybe Ilya could help him forget or. And then Shane is like I gotta fucking go and he’s in his car and Ilya is speaking to him, not touching him but hands hovering near but Shane is Not! Listening to a rejection right now after the worst fucking shift in the last year maybe so he says “just- forget all of it Ilya leave me alone please” because he doesn’t know what do do with Ilya he never did and then he did the worst most stupid thing of all. So then he’s in his car and he’s gone. He showers and eats and sleeps and comes back to himself. He calls in sick for the third time ever in his career and sleeps and works out and sees him family and friends and goes back to work a week later. Thankful to be in a good swing of days off. And he guessed Ilya listened cause he fucks off, he doesn’t see Ilya. It’s six shift back and he hasn’t seen him once and Shane’s days feel empty and weird and he didn’t realise how much space he’d made for Ilya.

Then his next shift it happens another code black and security gets called to ward and Ilya is there and Shane doesn’t even really register it due to the intensity of the code and the family member who is causing a scene about their kids delayed surgery threatening to come back with weapons and “get” the nurses which - Shane isn’t even sure how that’s going to help the whole delayed surgery problem if there’s no nurses to look after this guys kid but he doesn’t seem to be that in touch with logic really but the yelling is grating and he’s escalating and Shane’s stomach churns because he hates unpredictable people. Unpredictable, violent and stupid are the worst kind. And then the shouting is directed at him, a slur that doesn’t really surprise Shane but makes him go hot in his ears anyway, to be singled out and then he blinks and his view of the man is blocked by a pressed white shirt and curls and Ilya. Ilya is talking to the man, low and clear and persistent and the man eventually concedes to Ilya’s talking- agrees to go out for a smoke to calm down (Shane knows the police will be outside waiting for him) and then it’s all over and gone and he watches the man walk out with Ilya and he swallows and goes to the room to check on the kid and the mum and then answers the call light for his other patient because well, the work doesn’t stop and he’s out the feeling of that man’s words in the pit of his stomach for later. When he’s alone. It shouldn’t matter he’s been called worse. As least no one got hurt this time. Last year his co worker had been concussed by a kick to the head. He shouldn’t be that upset it’s just words.

And then an hours passed somehow and they’d kinda debriefed behind the nurses station. An older nurse- Lai calls the man a “freak” and pets the back of Shane’s head and that’s kind of enough. He loves lai. He also thinks she could have killed the man with her bare hands if it came down to it, she’s scary as fuck. Seasoned and tough and mother of six. She brings Shane veggies from her garden patch once a month, a full basket in his work locker. Calls him handsome.

Shane is in the storeroom refilling the syringes from the large boxes of them (he gets teased for being ‘obsessive’ about stocking but it’s a quiet calm task that can help him pull back to centre when it’s all too loud. The door to the store room is thick and keeps out most noise and is swipe access only. So he’s surprised when he hears the digital beep of the door and looks up to see Ilya. He stops what he’s doing and stares back at him with a handful of syringes and he’s so embarrassed. He feels- shame for the first time in Ilya’s presence. For making things so weird. For his being weird.

They stare at each other (Shane at Ilya’s shoulder, Ilya at Shane’s face) and then Ilya “I uh- I wanted to- um, wanted to make sure you were” Ilya waves his hand and he presses his lips together and his voice is so serious. Shane’s neck itches. “I know you said. I don’t want to annoy you. I just” he cuts off shaken again and Shane swallows.

“We can um- you know we aren’t allowed to, like actually. Put hands on people” Ilya says and his accent is thick. Words more fumbled than usual.

“I did not want to offer a smoke to that I wanted to- for what he said to you. And also he’s an asshole. Horrible guy but mostly because of. You didn’t deserve that” Ilya nods and Shane looks at his eyes for a split second and his fingers grip the stupid syringes so tight.

“Oh. Um. Thank you” Shane says and his stomach flips.

It’s quiet again and then Ilya says “ok. Well” and he nods and then “if you um- you know where the office is if you need me” and he nods again and goes to step away and Shane says

“Um” cause he doesn’t want Ilya to go. But he doesn’t know what to say either. So maybe “sorry” and he exhales “about the other night I got um. I was very- overtired overstimulated I wasn’t thinking and sometimes I kinda shut down and uh I’m sorry I made it weird. And like. Kinda just was so inappropriate with you. I appreciate you being nice to me. So I’m sorry I got it all really wrong” and ok. Shane hasn’t meant to say that much, but that’s always happening with Ilya.

Ilya is like “why are you sorry? I was the one who kept. I was always there annoying you and I know you’re busy and. I- when you. Um. When you kissed me you were very sad and not yourself and I was unsure what you meant. Or- what it meant and I didn’t really understand”

Ilya lowers his voice and his head “I like you. Very much. Shane and I thought. Well you rejected me and it is ok I understand you don’t like me the same. I was ok with friends. But then I was confused when you kissed me so I thought maybe it was all- my brain was mixed up about it and you were very sad and quiet and I was, worried. But I am sorry. I made this. Uncomfortable for you here I think”

And Shane’s head is like exploding clean off his body, because likes him???????? Very much??????? Rejected ??????? Shane has been living in a different reality ????? Maybe ??? And he’s like “huh” mouth open and Ilya is like “oh my god” I bought you a coffee like everyday for months and Shane is like “not everyday!” And Ilya’s like I drew a heart on the lid and Shane is like “I thought that was the barista!” And Ilya is like I bought you chocolate all the time too and Shane is like “well I don’t know I thought you were like teasing me?” And Ilya gives a long suffering sigh and is like “Shane I walked you to your car, we talked about so much- I’d tell you when my weekend was free and ask if you had plans and you’d always say oh yeah I need to workout and meal prep or see parents and then I got tired of being rejected I already felt like it was one sided” and Shane is like oh my god 😳 I’m an idiot maybe so he’s like

“Oh” and Ilya is like “oh” and the. Ilya says “but you kissed me but then told me to leave you alone and I was not sure what this means” and Shane nods cause yeah. “But you sounded very- angry, so I thought I had made you annoyed? Maybe pitty kiss? I do know so I think ok I leave him alone” Ilya explains and Shane would like say something back he thinks.

“I um. I am free this weekend. Um. On Saturday” and like not really what he was trying to say but ok. And Ilya nods.

“I am also free on Saturday” Ilya says and Shane nods and there’s so much more to try and explain about the kiss and about not letting himself see Ilya as anything at all and that he really didn’t realise what was going on but, not here.

Ilya pulls out his phone and Shane says his number and then feels his phone buzz with a text and he smiles and Ilya smiled back and they are both just standing there and then Ilya says. “I’ll see you at the end of your shift?” And Shane has missed Ilya walking him to his car so much and he says “ok” and Ilya says “ok” and stares at him in a way that makes his spine feel like champagne and then Ilya is gone.

Shane finishes sorting the syringes.

They go on a date on Saturday, a small quiet restaurant by the water and talk until it closes. Ilya kisses Shane after against his car in the quiet street until their lips are swollen.

They make a second date for the next afternoon. They going to the grocery store together because Shane needs to do his meal prep.

Back on my Shane Hollander bullshit again and needed to write down some more thoughts before I exploded.

I think Shane likely has experience with Echolalia and also repeats sounds and phrases he hears, and I like to think this extends to animal sounds which is where his mastery of the Loon-call comes from. So walk with me here, I really love the idea of David being a super outdoorsy kind of man. He likes camping, hiking, bird watching, fishing, and I think he adores animals. In my heart of hearts I just know that man grew up silently thinking animals were wayyyyy more chill and interesting than humans and that rubbed off on Shane in his childhood. So yes, Shane is also an outdoorsy, camping, hiking, kayaking kinda dude, and he also LOVES animals and animal fact. I think animal facts were a special interest as a kid before hockey took over his life, and David just absolutely adored teaching Shane random stuff about butterflies and geese and river otters and wood bison, and Shane COMMITS those facts to memory. I think they play a weekly game where each have to find the best facts they can to tell each other and David asks around at work to know if anyone knows anything about Rainbow Trout habits and Shane's got an Atlas of animals that he can't quite read yet cause most of the words are too big but damn does he try and use the pictures for context clues. While David cooks dinner Shane sits at the counter trying to recite the exact wording from the Atlas from memory to show that he's really learned the fact and David just hums and nods as Shane absolutely goes OFF about migratory patterns of monarch butterflies, which Shane loves, they are his favorite really because they are so ugly at first and they kind of look like worms but then they work really hard and become beautiful and everyone likes butterflies and Shane kinda wishes he were like a butterfly and he wants to go to Mexico to see them someday even when David tells him that would be a pretty far trip from home and when Shane is older maybe he still loves Monarchs but maybe hates them a little too because he can't understand how Monarch Butterflies know where to go and what to do to survive without anyone telling them and he knows its instinctually baked into their very DNA and adaptations which makes him realize that perhaps he was born without that specialized map which does NOT make a teenaged Shane cry with his new butterfly and moth book clutched to his chest.

Shane repeats all the facts he gets each week to himself under his breath and to Yuna and in the mirror because he wants to remember everything his dad tells him about animals, its important and he likes how all the different words feel in his mouth andI think he even tries to use this fact sharing strategy at school because this is how he learned to make conversation with his dad and its actually FUN and not frustrating and confusing and repetitive. I give you a fact and you gotta give me one in return. This of course does not work. He delivers his facts in a monotone so flat it sounds like a documentary, and the facts are violent and real and nothing that other seven-year-olds know like, "Did you know that Papa Otters will hold their babies ransom for food?" or "Komodo Dragons hunt with venom to weaken their prey so even if they get away they can still be tracked and eaten," or even "Ladybugs are cannibals!" and after he says it he smiles at the end all squinted eyes and pride ringing from his chest and waiting with baited breath and wiggling in place ready for a return fact, for wide eyes at this wonderful truth of nature, for someone to understand how amazing it is that "blue whales have a heart the size of car" to which David had expressed that they have big EMOTIONAL hearts too because Shane knows the difference between the blood pumping heart and the heart that tells him he loves his family, and then teaches him that "blue whales mourn their dead, Shane" and Shane is confused when he is only met with teachers telling him to focus or bland nods, or disturbed smiles and parent-teacher conferences and aside conversations after class about appropriate conversation topics and how he repeatedly "messes with his peers studies" and of course his peers walking away and mutter about how weird that Hollander kid is, and how violent and creepy he must be, and Baby Shane doesn't know the word for the aching in his chest, that loneliness of being misunderstood, that desire to reach inside of himself and take out his messy mind so he could have something to show to everyone else to make them see how much he cares and aches and how much he wants to connect and

Back to David and Shane's bonding over animals because I absolutely headcanon that David won Yuna's affection the second she saw him calling to a crow outside their campus library (in my mind they met in college) and David's just all in sitting on the steps trying to befriend this screeching bird by screeching back at it and Yuna in all her unfortunate time growing up trying to be 'normal' has never seen someone so unbothered by others' perception. So yeah, I think David makes animals noises and wins Yuna's heart, and then he makes a bird call in front of a four-year-old Shane while their hiking at a nearby park and Shane's eyes are just like saucers because "THAT IS BEAUTIFUL DAD!!" and thus Shane needs to learn it too and of course he is a natural and David doesn't know what he unleashed but all the sudden Shane is everywhere making bird calls and distinguishing the birds by their tones and starting to mimic them on his own, and of course it extends passed birds because of course it does, Shane is going to fucking talk to animals, and when Yuna says this to him he's like, "well he's not really talking to them, mom, because its not really a language exactly, and..." and Yuna just nods like of course my bad, and Shane goes back to practicing his calls.

Picture a five-year-old Shane loving zoos, and bird walks, and owns a little disposable camera so he can take photos just like his dad, and maybe he's got soft hair and a lightweight bamboo fabric blanket wrapped around his shoulders as he colors in his notebook a picture of an otter that Yuna looked up on her laptop for him to copy, just drawing away as David plays back sounds on his phone of Otter chirps and whistles, absolutely boyishly enamored when Shane mimics to perfection. For some reason Shane's eaching cheerios like chips in my mind as this happens because this is playing out like that Boo scene in Monsters Inc. in which David throws a Cheerio into Shane's mouth when he gets a sound right and Yuna is so god damned worried that they are fucking up so bad with their weirdo kid but David is just laughing away knees tucked under his chin as he scrolls to the next animal sound, a long-eared owl, and he's just like, "babe," with so much love because their kid is so smart that he can identify the difference between a snow and long eared owl just by the sound, and Shane's carefully coloring in his otter drawing with a specific brown Crayola pencil he'd been "saving just for this picture" and Yuna wants to contain her affection and hope in this moment, bottle it up and keep it without letting it build because it makes her want to keep everything as it is and never let anyone see the lovely little family she built because its small and weird and fucking perfect and no one will ever see it the way she does and she knows it can't last and then,

Part of socializing and having friends is being a good listener even when you don't actually give a shit about the subject.

Your are hurting other people's feelings when you bluntly respond with "Anyway..." and then change the topic.

It can not always be about your preferred topic.

maybe kevin walks in and with the serious look on neils face maybe assumes its a ravens game. what else would neil be that concentrated about if not exy? and he goes over to check and its two men just fucking. going at it, ruthlessly. neil has no shame about it, why would he? he knows others watch it and its common enough he knows kevin has dabbled in it even. and neil turns to kevin with an analytical look like, "how would that work" and kevins face is just beet red, fumbling words and embarassment thats not even his own