GOLDEN.

– “WOULDN’T THAT BE SWEET? IF YOU WERE JUST GOING INSANE?” SHE LAUGHS, shaking her head, “ honestly, i almost like that better ! you could slowly lose your mind, trying to wash the blood off your hands in the bathroom until it doesn’t come out, you drive yourself so crazy you accidentally confess ! ” she shakes her head. “ no, i know i’m not that lucky, please. i might’ve been stupid once, but if there was ANY lesson not to underestimate you, i’ve had it. ” 

but she does wish she was valentine. not for the love triangle, not for the checkered past, not even for the ice queen persona – but for the way her chest rises and falls when she speaks, the way a soft sigh escapes her lips, the way that in a few hours, she’ll be able to drift off to sleep. all the most basic, human things that she no longer has the privilege of. she can no longer be a young woman. 

“ aren’t you missing something ? ” 

she lets out a mocking chuckle, one full of disdain and frustration and the wish that octavia would just go away. ghosts aren’t real, all her logic and reason pointed to that as the answer, but here octavia was, and no matter how many times she closed her eyes and reopened them, she refused to go away. “in your dreams, octavia, in your sick, twisted, spiteful dreams.

– IT’S DISGUSTING THAT VALENTINE CAN STILL SNARK ABOUT IT AT ALL. octavia wants to see her crumble, to see her cry, AT LEAST to see her shake with remorse – she is not so lucky, so…she’ll settle for fear. “ must be nice, to have homework assignments, ” octavia remarks, “ i’ve got NOTHING but time, and sweetie, that’s your fault. ” even if val didn’t drive the finishing blow, she’s the reason there’s no justice, no rest for octavia’s spirit – without val, cal would be locked up. octavia can be upset, but at the end of the day – she’s just a ghost. and valentine is flesh and blood and has homework to do. 

sometimes, ire is replaced by profound sorrow. 

“ so, what do you want ? want to end up like me ? ” she tosses the crown across the room and it disappears before it hits the wall. “ or do you want to rot in prison for the rest of your life ? i’m feeling BENEVOLENT, so – you choose. ” 

it takes her all her remaining self control not to reach for the crown as she watches it tumble to the ground. what a stupid concern to have, worried about a plastic reminder of one of the worst evenings of her life, but even despite her best efforts, she can still feel her hand twitch. 

waves: favorite music artist?

i have many !! i love lorde, dodie, and trixie mattel !

seaside: dream job?

i just wanna act for a living i don’t care in what snfdjkgsdfhkg

cove: do you have a special place that you go?

ocean: do you have a favorite painting?

i am a h o for starry night !!!

coral: do you like nicknames?

love them love them love them so much especially when they are personalized

pearl: what is your favorite album of all time?

sweet- what’s your favorite type of candy

i love peach rings, and sour patch watermelons (but specifically when they’re frozen)

makeup- what is your most heavily used makeup product

it’s a tie between black eyeshadow (i use it for my eyebrows) and black eyeliner !

chalk- what subject are you best at in school

cutie- what’s your favorite orange thing

does the sky at sunset count? if not, then clementines !

blush- are you easily embarrassed

extremely, i’m always blushing

water- when was the last time you cried

uM i think tuesday night bc quarantine is hard and i miss my sister

religion- do you practice religion - what religion if so

yes ! i’m a reform jew

baby- do you want to be a parent

26. What did you do for your last Birthday: i went to one of my friend’s on campus apartments and got stupid baked by breaking in the b*ng i got as a present

27. What time did you wake up today: noon lmao

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: to hug my sister : (

30. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time: today ! she came over and stood outside and we played a video game on local multiplayer together

FIRSTS:

53. First piercing - i got my nose pierced when i was 15 ! it’s not pierced anymore because i got super sick last fall and took it out but i miss it

54. First best friend - a boy in my kindergarden class named elijah ! we got married, it was real offical

55. First hookup - when i was 14, in this kid carter’s storage room basement, w/ this boy named lee. there were a bunch of santas staring at us because they were storing their christmas decorations, it was weird

56. First Bestfriend - i don’t know the difference between best friend and bestfriend i think they are the same fsgjdfhgkj

RIGHT NOW:

59. Eating - i just had a chocolate covered marshmallow !

60. Drinking - water

61. I’m about to - watch drag race with my dad

62. Listening to - my mom facetiming my sister

deep breath. tries to think about her mama again, reminding her something about kindness, but every time ilana sees valentine’s young, pretty face, she thinks of her mama in that hospital. she lets valentine wait for her answer, taking a few bites of her food and chewing it slowly. finally, she gets her shit together enough to plaster on a smile, strained. “who said anything about irrationally hating you? i was giving you an out so you wouldn’t have to pretend to enjoy sitting with the poor folk, just because we’re in the same society, love.”

of course it was some fucking money thing, it always was with these scholarship kids, expecting the worst of those who were more well-off than them just because they didn’t have as much money. total bullshit if you asked valentine, she treated everyone, even the...less fortunate the same way. her patience was running out. between losing her grip on her boyfriend and losing her grip on reality, this was just not something she had the time or capacity to care about. she was about to walk away when she turned back around. “well, for the record, i don’t want to sit with not because you’re poor, but because you've got a bad attitude and a vendetta against me for things out of my control.”