Kerr Manning

I feel like I’ve been going through a period in my life where I’ve been an expert bystander. I mean I’m a diligent third wheel in my own life. It’s like there’s this big production with the leading characters and assisting roles, the stage hands, the lighting crew and the whole nine yards and I’m just off to the side pulling the curtains. I’m there. Participating. But not the lead character. So here’s what’s happening: I’m going about my days, going through the motion, functioning – in one sense of the word. But my actions are not a result of any direct planning. And in essence, there’s no purpose to what I am doing. Scary. What is even worse is that I’ve only just realized this a few days ago. It’s a phase. It happens. We shouldn’t take life too seriously or we’ll end up stressing ourselves out (insert emoticon).

What’s more stressing than an unfulfilled life? We should be bothered about not being active in our own lives. After all we are the key ingredient in our success or failure. I found I’ve been developing a routine of “later”, “soon”, “maybe” and “I’ll try”. Procrastination 101. This is a sure recipe for failure, depression and jealousy. I mean, I think we’ve all been there when we see those persons that are our age who’ve accomplished so much already and are doing exactly what they wanted with their lives… and you’ve done absolutely nothing with your life. What does that lead to jealousy, depression?  Or… motivation! The persons who are getting ahead in life and who seem to have life figured out are persons who are actively and aggressively participating in their lives. Things don’t happen to them. They make thing happen. I’m no expert on how to be successful (except trust God) but I’ve gotten the active bystander thing to an art so I can tell you patterns to be wary of:

1)      Not challenging yourself

2)      Putting today’s work off for tomorrow (that’s like leaving tons of dirty dishes in the sink for the next day)

3)      Making plans and not sticking to them

4)      Not making plans

5)      Giving 50% when you can give at least 75%

6)      Not taking risks

7)      Excuses

Another thing: if your friends’ lives hold more appeal to you than yours then you’re a bystander in your life. Do things you love and love the things you do.

I’ve never been one for keeping journals. Don’t get me wrong – Oh, how I have tried – I’m one of those people who are particular about the date, time, the shade of blue in the sky and what I was holding in my hand when recalling an occurrence. So it would make sense that I kept a well-tended – a few even – journals. But the truth is I’ve never been very good at putting my true feelings, thoughts or anything personal about myself, really, in print (I have a theory for the reasons behind this but that’s for another story). Disclaimer: I do have in my possession a couple of journals – as in two (and don’t make funny faces for me specifying that a couple actually means two… there are places in the world where the word “couple” could range from two to a hundred, won’t say where lol) – but I only started writing in them because they were given to me as gifts. Besides, every “interesting” detail written in them is encrypted lol.

I like dates. Moments. The exactness of when change occurs, growth. So I am always compelled to document significant moments in my life. But that somehow has not been enough. ‘See my mind never sleeps nor vacations… even when I’m asleep I can hear my mind trying to have a conversation with me. Maybe this is why I’m always so tired… Hmmm. The point is I always have an event occurring in my mind. The kinds of things that cause spontaneous outbursts of laughter, sudden anger and just random hissing and huffing of wild degrees. My friends accuse me of being crazy when caught talking to myself – haha! I’d like to explore the option of someday being able to look back at my random crazy thoughts and ideas and see how much I’ve changed or remained the same. So I have challenged myself to take a bold step. The big chop! If you’re a girl then you know the excitement/horror of cutting off virtually all your hair and risk the unique new you, which could be anything from looking like a Vogue model or Billy from the hardware store. 

I will write! And not just stories. I’m fine with writing for hours, thousands of words, about made up characters. But the real feat comes when I am to write a paragraph about myself. So I will do this. And it will be fun. This is a journey I am going on and I am so excited that I’m doing the boldest thing and inviting you along.