Hello I am back! On a broken keyboard that barely works but I am here! I've been debating on returning multiple times but there's been so much going in my life it's kinda wild. I'm unable to mentally and emotionally digest stress properly so it all goes to my body and causes numerous medical issues that I have to deal with. Stress has been particularly bad with my new job and apartment--I constantly cry or spiral at work due to financial problems and the harsh learning curve at my job for like 2 months straight that it got to me so bad that I had to admit myself to an inpatient mental hospital. I don't want to get into details as it may be triggering but I experienced medical abuse and malpractice there and came out completely worse. I had a moment where I broke as a person and haven't been the same since. I got admitted on my birthday of all things, August 2nd, but forced myself to leave as soon as I could since I wasn't taken care of at all so it was a huge waste of time. The people there were wonderful though and I made some lifelong friends--unfortunately it was the only positive of that experience I had while I was in there. I will discuss it later, not here though, maybe on my main?
I had to take a resting period of sorts (not like I can relax since I work weekdays and weekends) after coming home but I'm still dealing with these new medical issues and more have popped up. I finally got tested for Autism and ADHD though and I have both! I thought I would just have ADHD, I've never really seen myself as autistic and thought the little autism I could've had would've barely scored me any points but nope! I was very wrong! I am apparently severely autistic, scoring 9/9/9 out of the DSM-5 rubric. My ADHD is a little less severe, but it still scores high on its test. I'm always glad to get these diagnoses because it gives me an answer I can work towards getting help for. I love things getting solved! :D I also have Hashimoto's Disease, which is an autoimmune disease that affects my thyroid and gives me hypothyroidism along with a lot of inflammation in my body. I've actually become anemic despite my somewhat high-iron diet because my hypothyroidism is causing my body to be unable to absorb certain chemicals like iron. I just figured this out a few days ago, but it explains my recent sensitivity to temperatures--especially cold despite me previously loving it. ;; I have to take a jacket with me to work no matter the temp because we keep it stabilized due to the medication (I'm a pharmacist technician) and I FREEZE in there so bad- 😭
I also have C-PTSD, but this is a more self-diagnosis because it's not recognized in my country's standardized mental illness system, though it's recognized in other countries! I never considered myself to have PTSD because I legit thought the flashbacks you get to traumatic events were purely visual (due to how PTSD is represented in media)--but no, I learned it was less visual and more so emotional--you go through the horrible feelings of your traumas, like you're re-experiencing it for the first time. That happens to me all the time! I also have been subconsciously separating myself into more personalized parts to understand and digest my trauma better… With my personas, they all represent different sides of me–and different times in my life. They're different in their unique ways, but no matter what, it's still all me. Like, I'm constantly talking to myself in second person and there's times where my inner consciousness has to stop me doing stuff, like going back to bad habits. I thought it was normal to have whole ass conversations with yourself? And them bring different things to the conversation–like a real person? The only dreams I had for the longest time were nightmares, reliving my traumatic memories. 99.9% of my anxiety is because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm always on edge, always ready to run or fight. I can never relax because, unless I'm around loved ones, I am in survival mode. Paranoid. I don't trust people who aren't my friends to treat me like a human being. Yelling and fighting freeze me up and remind me too much of my memories. I'm also a mess with relationships and disconnect myself from my trauma or I will be much worse. Fiction in both writing and art is somewhere safe that I have control of and am able to delve in and dissect my trauma without being hurt again. There's so much more I can get into but we'd be here all day...
Sorry for blabbing! Writing these things down helps me digest heavy topics. So, there's a lot going on in my life and I'm learning more about myself in the process, though! So, what updates are coming with this blog? I acquired a shared Carrd Pro account with one of my besties so I'll be overhauling my Google doc bios, rules, mains, ships, etc. etc. with a new site template that includes everything in one go--but it is a singlemuse template so I'll have to figure how that'll be done... I'm also adding new muses! Magnus/Wizard from Stardew Valley, Siffrin from In Stars and Time, Frieren from Frieren: Beyond Journey's End, Eternal Sugar Cookie from Cookie Run, Polyurethane from Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt, The Lamb and The Goat from the Cult of the Lamb, and Mr. Ant Tenna from DELTARUNE! All of the DELTARUNE and UNDERTALE muses will be moved over (I originally had them on a different blog because a lot of people I personally know have personal issues with the series and I didn't want to upset them, but they've gotten more comfortable being around said series so I can move them here! The account has been ignored over the multimuse and I feel bad about it too haha- 😭😭😭) to this account now. It never stops. :DDDDDDDDDD
However, the Lamb and the Goat will both be on a different blog due to the heavy content of the Cult of the Lamb, especially with the prevalent themes of death and cultism, which in itself is filled with manipulation being taken advantage of. I will do my best to portray such themes appropriately and in a negative light, and that I do not approve of cults whatsoever. I will also research reading materials to help maintain its portrayal in the right direction. The game doesn't shy away from explicit themes to explain its story, and it's up to the player entirely to be a good person or not. I always sway my characters positively no matter their alignment, but I specifically chose the Lamb and Goat to be benevolent shepherds because of this. They will deconstruct the cult over time and will create a slice of paradise where all can flock to for aid.
I was working on the COTL blog before I got admitted and it's almost done! I took my break for a while, but I just need to finish up the bio and a couple of other things. I'll try to finish that up whenever I get the motivation again, and in the meantime, I'll work in the background on this blog and the DR/UT one. So no roleplaying, today at least! Maybe though, because Tenna is a somewhat high level right now--we'll see. :3c Thank you so much for reading this if you have, and have a nice day! I love you guys! :DDDDD 💖💖💖
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I’m sorry. I truly am. but this is indeed another [ Spamton from Deltarune ]
Ladies and/or gentleman I am [trash], but please consider ❤ or ⤿ this post anyways if you would be willing to [turn off your ad block], thank you.
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“ I remember the day after my son died… The entire Underground was devoid of hope, the future had once again been taken from us by the humans. In a fit of anger, I declared war. I just wanted everyone to have hope… ”
I like to think once pap becomes apart of the guard he has regular meetings with asgore, along with his other knights and judge. His values at there core are genuine but his actions are just kinda warped with his level.
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