Growing up I always felt like I as alone and never fit it because I liked nerdy thing. I liked video games TOO much before they were popular, I liked anime before most people in the US even knew it existed. In particular I started with Sailor Moon and I was deathly afraid of the other boys finding out I liked a girl's show.
In my 20s things kind of looked up, the internet genuinely became a venue to meet others like me. I realized I wasn't alone and I actually managed to make some friends based on those interests.
Now in my 30s I feel more alone than ever. The friends I made are moving on and being proper adults, getting married, having kids, focusing on work. Obviously, I'm doing what I need to do but I still want to play games with people, talk about anime, have fun and that's not something a proper adult has time for. Unfortunately, now the internet as a third place for outcasts is long dead and I can no longer meet new people no matter how hard I try. I worked up the courage to try making a friend out of a new coworker, and it was wonderful until she said we couldn't be friends because of her husband (for some reason even though they later got a divorce we still can't be friends) which just broke me even more.
I see around me plenty of nerdy people have fulfilling social lives, big friend groups, relationships, successful as content creators and I realize ultimately there's just something wrong with me and there always has been. I'm the one that doesn't fit in, I didn't then and I don't now. I imagine it's at least partially likely a mental disorder but at this point what would finding out for sure even change? "Please like me, I know I'm different but it's for a medical reason." I worry I'm just too far gone.
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