Ode to Pedrazar

Balthazar put his ukulele to one side as Ben stepped into the dimly lit room.

“Hey Balthazar! Balthy – Balth. B-man. Stan the man. Stanley -”

“You alright, Ben?”

Ben stopped himself and gave Balthazar a considered look. “Wondering if maybe we might have a talk?”

“Urm… sure?” Balthazar gestured in a vaguely welcoming way then tucked his hands inside his jumper sleeves. “Is this going to be like a late night heart-to-heart?”

Ben smirked and sat down on the other end of the bed. “Maybe! I could get hot chocolate and Squiggles.”

“Squiggles? Is that a necessary…”

“Yes! You can’t have a sleepover with no Squiggles!”

“No?”

“Don’t you remember the Squiggles? They were the best part!”

“What did you want to talk about?” Balthazar asked. It was more to get Ben to the point than a genuine inquiry. He was fairly certain where this was going.

“Huh? Oh, right.” Ben’s brow knitted and he looked cautiously across the bed to Balthazar. “So we couldn’t help but notice that Peter is… sleeping on the sofa.”

Balthazar nodded in agreement and picked up his ukulele again. It was better to concentrate on that.

“And also that he had become this, well, really actually happy person recently, which was nice… for everyone.”

Balthazar made an noncommittal noise, his fingers carefully manipulating the taut strings.

“And that now he is not happy. In fact, he’s more of the other thing – sad.”

Balthazar smirked with a little bitterness. “Mmm… yeah.” He really didn’t love the idea that all of the others had been observing and discussing and speculating.

Ben was watching him warily as if Balthazar were a wild animal that he wasn’t sure how much he could prod. “Obviously it’s none of our business -”

“No,” Balthazar agreed, without looking up.

“But, we were wondering if there were any way that happiness could be more… present… with everyone.”

Balthazar shrugged. He wasn’t sure whether Ben realised that this was encouraging him to breaking to the rules or whether Ben realised that they in fact already had quite a lot. This was the part where Balthazar was expected to say something – anything. But he couldn’t commit to any course of action, either confession or stoicism.

“Something has happened between you…” Ben ventured when Balthazar didn’t respond.

This was so vague that Balthazar didn’t bother to deny it.

“Something of the romantical variety?”

“Actually,” Balthazar abruptly decided, “I, um, I don’t want to talk about it. It doesn’t matter anyway.”

“It seems to matter to Peter,” Ben countered.

“I don’t, I mean, it doesn’t.” Balthazar was really beginning to regret allowing Ben into his room.

“It matters if you broke the rules,” was Ben’s next attempt, to which Balthazar just smirked and shook his head dismissively. “I think you two need to talk bout this, is all.”

“We have. It’s fine, Ben. It’s fine. You don’t have to try to like, fix everything. There… there wasn’t really anything there anyway. Nothing to break.”

Ben looked on the verge of relenting but then performed one final attempt to make his point heard. “Look, mate. Balth. I know all about being an idiot in love. I know all about denying the obvious and refusing to communicate. I have been there!” He guffawed. “And you know what? It sucked! You’ve got to just say how you feel!”

“It’s not about how I feel…” Balthazar muttered.

“Then why the hell is there a Donaldson right outside this door crunched on the sofa with a look on his face as if his soul has been sucked out by a fucking dementor?” When Balthazar made no reply, Ben sighed and got to his feet. “Fine. Fine. Do the puppy-dog eye thing for the rest of eternity. I’m not going to stop you… But if you really doubt how Peter feels about you, maybe you should watch the videos.”

“I have watched the videos.”

“Watch the way he looks at you, like you’re… the snitch. Yeah! This precious thing always flying just out of reach.”

“Yeah, um, that’s probably enough Harry Potter metaphors for one conversation.”

“That was a good one! You’ve got to admit! I’m proud of that!”

Balthazar couldn’t help smiling as Ben got to his feet, clearly about to go and tell Bea about his amazing linguistic skills. “Ben?”

“Yeah?”

Balthazar tugged his jumper futher down over his hands. “Are you trying to make us break the rules?”

Ben pulled a face. “There’s punishment and there’s punishment. You guys really just seem to be punishing yourselves way too much these days.”

There was quick tap on the door and then Peter pushed his head into the room.

Balthazar felt his cheeks darken. How much of that conversation could Peter have heard from just outside the door?

Peter appeared surprised to see Ben though. “Oh, just wanted to – I think I left my charger in here.”

“Oh.” Balthazar immediately leaned across the bed in order to avoid any potential eye contact and reached for the charger that was plugged in next to Peter’s side. “Yeah, it’s here.”

“Night guys!” Ben said cheerily and had closed the door behind himself before Balthazar could right himself again.

Peter looked at the closed door and his features sank into a soft glower. “Were you talking about me?”

Balthazar shrugged. “Um, Ben was talking about you. I think he thinks that you…” But looking up at Peter took the words out of his mouth. Peter’s eyes were red. He did look sullen but there was a hurt that simmering beneath it all. Balthazar chucked the charger across the bed spread and muttered, “Whatever.”

“Thanks.”

It wasn’t the first time that Balthazar had considered that maybe he was wrong about Peter. But it was maybe the first time he thought that it might be more than wishful thinking that Peter could actually like him.

“Pete. I’m sorry.”

Peter stopped before the door and considered Balthazar with what was clearly intended as a disinterested expression.

Balthazar swallowed but decided that if he didn’t say it now, after Ben’s pep talk, then he never would. “I thought – I didn’t want to be just another one night stand.”

The disinterested expression fell and Peter shook his head as if he had completely resigned. He didn’t stay. He shut the door behind himself and left Balthazar alone with only two words ringing in his ears:

“You weren’t.”

.